Black Rose
by JMLHCPKSfan
Summary: Carlos and his stepbrother, James, live a strict life of insane safety precautions and sanitation rules around the house. When Logan Mitchell moves to town and brings a new, dangerous vibe with his shiny motorcycle and tough appearance, Carlos can't help but try to eat the forbidden fruit, finding that Logan is much more than he leads on behind his pierced lip and tattoo.
1. New Kid

**Hi, guys! Welcome to yet another adventure. :D I hope you enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Big Time Rush, despite popular belief. ;)**

* * *

"Did you see that a new family moved in to the house at the end of the road?" Brooke asked brightly at the dinner table.

"I only saw a lady and a boy. Maybe a man. I couldn't tell- he had one of those faces," James said. "Like he could be our age or 26."

"Like you?" Papi smirked, elbowing James. I giggled as James cocked a brow.

"I look 26?"

"Nooooo," Brooke interrupted sternly. She was so paranoid- like James would abuse that power. Like he had ever done anything bad in front of her.

"What about Carlitos?" James asked thoughtfully, staring at me and cocking his head in thought.

"Nah- Carlos has a baby face," Papi giggled, making me send him a death stare. Well, I guess I'm not buying alcohol or cigarettes anytime soon, right? Especially since my dad was a cop and my stepmom was a paranoid health-freak.

We finished the meal and it was mine and James' turn for dishes. We had to thoroughly wash the dishes with soap and steaming water before putting them in the dishwasher for a double cycle. James grew up with this as a formality, but my dad and I had never been worried about germs until a few years ago, when we moved in with the Diamond's and Brooke and my dad got married. They were a WEIRD couple- not sure how they're together. But hey, I got a step-brother out of it (to add to my three REAL brothers, all older and grown now). The downside is, with Brooke's germaphobic ways and my dad's natural cop instinct for safety, James and I were prisoners in our home.

"No video games!" Brooke said sternly as James and I went up the stairs to our room. "It's a school night!"

I rolled my eyes behind James' back. I hated Brooke. Well, she's a nice lady, but DAMN, her rules were stupid. We had to wash our hands with basically boiling water every time we entered the house, the dishes were to be spotless and germless. No video games on a school night. No grades below a B (which James and I struggled with). If you don't wash your hands and close the door after using the bathroom, you get grounded for a week.

James was used to this, but even after a few years I wasn't. Well, maybe I was USED to it, but I didn't like it one bit. James knew how I felt and helped me out a lot. Like right now, we were locking our bedroom door and were about to play video games, despite the risk of getting punished. Besides- if we were caught, my dad would stick up for us. He was cool that way, knowing what it was like being a teenage boy. However, he was a stickler for riding a helmet and elbow and knee pads on our skateboards and wearing seatbelts in the car and things like that.

"We should be studying," James said blandly from the bottom bunk- his bed- as we played.

"Yeah."

"Oh well."

I smirked from where I lay on my stomach on the top bunk- my bed- and played. James obeyed his beloved mommy most of the time, but sometimes he didn't. He really hated school, so that was a popular thing to ignore for him.

After a long time, there was a tap at the door. We knew it was Papi- he always knocked very secretively, while Brooke knocked loudly.

I hopped down from the bed and unlocked and opened the door.

"You better do good on that test tomorrow," Papi said sternly, looking past me to James playing video games. "Brooke'll be mad if you don't, and finds out you played games instead of studied."

"We will."

"Okay. Buenas noches, mijo," he smiled and I returned the favor. Ah, my dad. Sometimes when he got mad, he started ranting in Spanish and only I could understand, but even I couldn't translate sometimes. It drove Brooke up the wall, and James tried to keep up, knowing minimal Spanish from school.

"Night, Papi," I said softly.

"Get some sleep," Papi said sternly over my head to James. James threw a salute, not even looking up, making Papi smirk and roll his eyes.

"Love ya," I said to him.

"Love you," he smiled and went back toward the stairs. All that was up in the second level was mine and James' room, a bathroom, and Brooke's office. The thought of Brooke and my dad sleeping in the same bed gave me the creeps, considering I grew up with my mom being there. She lived in Florida now, though, so I don't see her much anymore. James was a bastard- literally. His parents weren't married when he was conceived and he's only seen pictures of his dad. Apparently his dad came to see him when he was a toddler, and there's a picture to prove it, but he doesn't remember it, nor does he want to. He's kind of resentful about it.

We finally decided to go to bed at about eleven that night, which really meant we turned off the lights and got in bed, but talked for a long time.

James had fallen asleep within about ten minutes and I was drifting off when I heard a loud rumbling sound outside. Curiously, I hopped down from my bunk and went to the window.

I squinted against the streetlight outside but focused on something rumbling down the street. A… Motorcycle?

I felt James stumble up behind me and look over my shoulder.

"It's the guy that moved in at the end of the street," he said gruffly. "What an asshole- doesn't he get that people are sleeping? It's late!"

I squinted to see the guy riding the motorcycle. He wore a black leather jacket and dark jeans, his hair dark and helmetless, something I could never get away with. I couldn't see his face, though.

"What a shit," I grumbled, going back to bed.

* * *

I gasped and punched the brakes the next morning in the school parking lot.

I hadn't seen the motorcycle parked in our usual spot until I just about ran over it and the rider- the same guy who was riding down the street the previous night.

The rider turned and flipped me the bird, flicking a cigarette to the pavement with his other hand and grinding it out with his boot. He had very neat hair, gelled up and almost black, a smooth and handsome face, and dark clothes, protecting him from the cool spring breeze.

James angrily returned the favor of flipping him off.

The guy swung off of his motorcycle and came at the car.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit," I whispered, hitting reverse to back up, but the guy pounded angrily on my window.

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" the guy yelled.

"FUCK OFF ASSHAT!" James yelled, leaning over me. I shoved him away and fearfully continued backing the car away. The guy rolled his dark eyes and shook his head, stomping off as I directed the car to a different spot.

* * *

I stared at the new boy sitting in the desk beside me, which used to be empty and used for my books in the seat, but was now occupied by the motorcycle guy. I was scared, I have to admit.

It was the kid with the motorcycle, who tried to kill me that morning. I looked at the top of his paper to see "Logan Mitchell" scrawled on the name line.

His head snapped up and his hard black eyes stared at me. I jumped and turned back to my paper, now afraid for my life.

Kids chattered around us, supposed to be working on their chemistry worksheets, but not doing so, since we had a substitute teacher that day. I was almost finished, and I saw that the Logan kid was, too.

My eyes ventured to him a few seconds later, and I saw that he was working again. Funny- normally his type would push the work away with a sneer, refusing to do it. That, or they would attempt, completely fail at it, and quit halfway through.

Now that I was closer, I noticed a lot of details about his appearance. Like that his hair was made extremely neat, seemingly impossible. He had a black ring hugging through his bottom lip, to the right, which he bit at as he thought. He had no chains or skull rings or earrings on- his dark clothes were neat and clean, black boots on his feet.

I saw a big mass of color on his right forearm and was stunned to see that it was a tattoo. Inked permanently onto Logan's arm was a noble looking army man, looking off in the distance, holding a big flag, drawn in a boxy cartoon form, still holding dignity and seriousness. How could he get away with a tattoo AND a piercing showing? Normally that wasn't allowed at school.

"Would you stop?" Logan snapped, staring up at me. My head zipped back to my paper, a blush crossing my face. I heard him sigh a little. "Hey. What did you get for number 7?"

Surprised, I glanced down at my paper.

"23.4," I said, head bowed.

"Rad," he nodded, closing his book. RAD? Who says that? "You're the asshole how almost ran me over this morning."

"I didn't see you," I said, starting to get defensive but quickly pulling myself back.

"You guys at this shithole of a town aren't used to having to look for bikes," Logan grumbled.

"Not used to hearing them late at night, either," I mumbled.

"Yeah? I woke you up at fucking 11:30 at night?" Logan snapped, taking me off guard. I said nothing. This guy was only an inch taller than me at most, but I was so scared of him. Logan was quiet for a while. "What's your name?"

"Carlos," I said softly.

"Who was that kid in your car?"

"James. He's my stepbrother."

"Tell him that I said he's a fucking shit."

I wanted to laugh, remembering how I had called Logan the same thing the previous night, but didn't dare crack a smile.

"Where did you move here from?" I asked, not knowing if he was okay with small-talk or not, but deciding to go for it.

"Cali," Logan said simply. "I hate it here- it's cold as shit, and the people are dumbfucks."

"Where's that?"

Logan gave me a frank stare, for the first time looking into my eyes.

"California," he said blandly.

"Oh," I laughed. Logan, needless to say, didn't laugh. I cleared my throat awkwardly and searched for something else to talk about. "I like your… Tattoo."

"Ink. Not 'tattoo'," Logan mocked, not even glancing at his arm.

"Right."

Suddenly the bell sounded, making me jump but Logan simply got up and left in one fluid motion.

I got up and followed everyone out to find James waiting for me, so we could go to lunch together.

* * *

"I talked to that Logan kid today in Chem," I said casually as I pushed a cart into the chain of carts at the grocery store James and I worked at- Sherwood Grocery Store.

"Logan?" James retorted. "Who's that?"

"The one with the motorcycle?"

We pushed the chain of carts through the parking lot, which was mostly empty on that day.

"Oh. THAT shitface," James nodded. "Why would you want to talk to HIM?"

"Personally, I want to be spared when he brings a gun to school and goes on a killing spree," I said smartly.

"Whatever- he doesn't scare me. I'm a foot taller than him, I can take him easy."

"He has a tattoo," I noted. "On his forearm. It's some army guy I think."

"How special," James retorted flatly.

"And he's actually really smart," I added.

"In our grade?"

"I think he's a senior, yeah," I nodded. "And he's from California."

"I think Carlitos has a boyfriend," James smirked. "I bet his lip ring turns you on, right?"

"Totally," I said sarcastically. Maybe his APPEARANCE was attractive to me, but his attitude sure wasn't.

"If you have a taste in guys, I feel like he's it," he said matter-of-factly. Great. James has to bring up the whole "gay" thing more than he should- which is never.

"Can we not talk about this here?"

"Nobody's around," he retorted. "C'mon. Let's talk guys."

"I'm not doing this," I smirked.

"I think if I were Team Hotdog, I would go for more… Kendall type, you know?"

"Why don't you?" I giggled. "You're basically an item anyway."

"He hasn't asked me to be official yet," James lisped. I laughed, rolling my eyes. James and Kendall, had been best friends since they were kids and now that they were teenagers, they were THAT type of friends, that acted like intense lovers because they can. I thought it was hilarious, when they talked in lispy voices and slapped each other's asses and kissed one another's cheeks, although I knew they were both straight as arrows. "Besides- this isn't about ME. I wanna find you a MAN, Los, you're my bubby, I care about your love life. And considering I'm the only person on this earth that knows about you being in-the-closet, it's practically my duty."

"I don't need a MAN," I insisted. "I'm just trying to graduate with passable grades at this point."

"Okay," he said, unconvinced, as he pushed the heavy chain of carts slowly. "But theoretically, what's your type, according to YOU?"

"What do you mean 'according to me'?"

"I know your type. I just wanna see if YOU do."

I sighed, rolling my eyes and thinking. What type of guy do I like? Had I ever even thought about this? I wasn't really ACTIVELY gay- I just found men more attractive than women, is all.

Well, let's see. There's the "Kendall type", which James mentioned, that played guitar and wore yarn bracelets and beanies- the cross between hippie, hipster, and punk-rocker. Then there's the "Logan type"- the bad boy. The "James type" is probably the pretty boy- the jokester, maybe. I really like the appearance of bad boys, I have to admit. The tousled, dark, I-don't-care look. However, of course, bad boys have bad attitudes, and there's a point where that stops being sexy and starts getting irritating.

"I dunno," I sighed. "Just… Someone sweet, you know? That isn't afraid to be romantic. And he's gotta be nice."

"Nyaaaaaw," James mock-melted. "So sweet."

"Okay, not talking about this anymore."

"It's so fun to have a gay brother," James said thoughtfully. "And it's especially fun when I'm the only person who can harass him about it."

"I know the feeling."

James laughed and socked me in the shoulder, making me wince and punch him back.

"But you're wrong," he said matter-of-factly. "You're describing yourself, and you can't date yourself. I've tried."

"So then, WHAT, dear lord James?" I retorted.

"You need someone who's gonna make you do adventurous stuff," he said as if painting a picture for me. "Someone BAD, but not TOO bad. Someone who's gonna make you LIVE, you know? Someone exactly like Logan. I bet Logan would take you outta your Goodie Two-Shoes shell and take you for a ride on his bike, in all ways possible, if you know what I mean."

"Except Logan scares me and I think he probably hangs the skins of gays he's killed on his walls to remind him of how much he HATES homos," I grumbled. "I'm positive he's one of THOSE guys."

"So you're not interested in him. Good. That just means I don't have to talk to him to try to set you up."

"You're not setting me up with ANYONE."

"Eventually- I'll find you a sexy bad boy."

"Not eventually."

"See, that's what you THINK, but you're so cute when you're wrong."

* * *

**What did you think of the first chapter? :D Next one we'll be meeting Kendall and get a lot more of Logan, of course. **

**I hope you all love this story! If you're someone who reads all my stuff, welcome back to this crazy adventure and thanks for staying with me! If you're new, I'm so excited for you to kinda get to know my writing style, and I have plenty more if you wanna check it out. :)**

**Okay, well I hope you all review and let me know what you think, and if you have any ideas or anything, I'm totally open.**


	2. I'm Not So Bad

**Yay! Thank you all for your support on the first chapter. :) I know a lot of you said you don't even like Cargan, which I don't understand- I LOVE Cargan- but thanks for giving it a chance anyway. :)**

* * *

"Sup, losers?" Kendall sang, plopping down in the seat beside me at lunch, his tray clanking to the table.

"Not much, just living life," I said.

Kendall, as you can imagine, is much more handsome than he thinks. He always jokes about his nose, which, yes, was a little odd, and his lanky appearance, but personally I thought he was really attractive. He had longish blonde hair, a unique color of yellow-green eyes, and dimples to kill, along with his great personality that can always make you laugh. He was the kind of guy that was easy to talk to. And if you catch him in a plaid shirt with his guitar, forget about it. He goes on a lot of dates with girls and he's had long-lasting girlfriends before, but really I think he's in love with his guitar and James.

"Twenty-four seven," Kendall agreed. "Hey, do you guys have to work tonight?"

"Nope," James said from across the table, popping the "P" sound. James and I normally had the same hours at the store we worked at- Sherwood Grocery Store- but not today.

"You know what that means," Kendall sang. "You two boobs are coming to my house! Friday night PAR-TAY"

Kendall rarely came to our house, simply because of our rules. He had been over a handful of times, all of which he had to scrub his hands and change his clothes when he entered, courtesy of Brooke, who I suspected purposefully tried to scare him away. Of course he also wasn't used to the rules around our house and Brooke got on him a lot. Needless to say, he hated coming over, so we normally went to his house.

"And by party you mean-" James began.

"I mean video games and pizza, yes," Kendall smirked. "You guys game?"

"I have to work," I said. "I'm getting a few extra hours in."

"Come ON Lo-Lo," Kendall pouted sarcastically. I told you about him and James acting gay together, right? Well Kendall did it to me sometimes, too, even thought he didn't even know about my sexuality. "If you call in sick, we can snuggle."

"Shut up," I retorted, shouldering him. "I need the money- I'm saving up for my own car."

"What a butt," James smirked.

"SUCH a butt," Kendall said in his lispy voice. "Guess it's just you 'n me, Jamie, and you know what that means."

I laughed and rolled my eyes as James wiggled his brows and bit his lip flirtatiously, acting the whole time, of course.

* * *

I have to say, I was pretty bored of being a cart-boy. James and I had been working at that store since the holidays and it was spring now, and still we weren't even considered for a promotion to baggers or cashiers. Being a cart-boy wasn't so bad now that it was warmer, but it was miserable in the snow and subzero temperatures, when we slipped and slid everywhere and had to wear heavy coats and scarves.

My oldest brother had an old car that used to be his girlfriend's that he wanted to get rid of, and he said I could have it for a thousand dollars. It was a lot of money for me, considering I was in high school, but I knew it was a great deal on a working car, so I told him I would get the money. James and I usually got places in Brooke's car, since she mostly worked from home anyway, but I thought that it would be cool to have my own car that I could go anywhere anytime in, and that James and Kendall could borrow when they wanted, too. It felt weird to be working without James, but I wanted those extra hours for a little extra cash toward the car.

James had dropped me off at work before he went to Kendall's, so I had to walk home. I didn't mind- it was a pretty warm evening, and although it was dark by the time my shift was over, I wasn't scared.

I walked quickly, hands in my hoodie pocket, trying to get home and get some FOOD. My headphones were stuck in my ears as I walked.

I was about a quarter the way home when I heard a rumbling through my music. I knew it was a motorcycle, and there was only one person in this town that rode a motorcycle around. I turned my face away from the road, hoping Logan didn't notice me. He seemed to be okay with me, but I was still really scared of him.

The rumbling became louder and I knew the motorcycle was right beside me. It seemed to stay with me for a second before something hit the side of my face.

I gasped and turned to him to see that he had stopped the motorcycle and was staring at me. I took out my headphones and paused my music.

"Leave me alone, Logan," I said strongly. I didn't know what he hit me with, but it kind of hurt.

"Okay, fine, I'll leave you alone to get kidnapped and raped," Logan retorted. "Excuse the fuck outta me for trying to be courteous to someone I know."

"This isn't California- it's safe to walk at night."

Logan turned the motorcycle off, making the loud rumbling stop, and was walking it with his toes on the road, still sitting on it.

"Why're you walking?" he asked.

"My brother has our car."

Logan was silent as he walked the bike beside me.

"Are you like a faggot or something?" he asked suddenly, sending ice into my stomach. My head snapped his way and I tried to give him the most defensive face I could muster. Why would he think that? I mean, it's TRUE, but I thought I was doing good to hide it.

"Why would you think that?" I demanded.

"There's a lot of them in Cali," Logan shrugged. "I'm kinda good at spotting them."

"I assume it takes one to know one," I hissed.

"Maybe," he shrugged simply, taking me off guard. "Are you, though?"

"No," I lied angrily. Logan didn't seem embarrassed or anything. We were silent for a while, my anger building a little. Why was he following me? "You can go now," I said irritably.

"Go WHERE, though?"

"Away."

"The one time Logan tries to be nice to someone, he gets told to fuck off," Logan laughed sarcastically. "Fuck this."

"Well it's dark and you're a mean guy on a motorcycle, I frankly don't feel very safe right now."

"I'm not MEAN. I'm nice to you."

I was silent, knowing he was right.

"I'm not gonna MUG you or like force you into sexual favors or anything," Logan retorted. "You don't have to be scared of me."

I was silent, just wanting him to leave.

"So do you want a ride home?" he asked impatiently, like he had already asked the question and I was yet to answer.

"No."

"You live close to me, right? If you heard me ride home the other night?"

"Unfortunately."

"C'mon. Just hop on- I'll get you home really fast."

"Do you have a helmet?" I asked.

"No?"

"Then I'm not getting on."

"I'll go slow."

"Nope."

"Kay," Logan sighed. "Well I'm not leaving you alone, so I guess we've got a while."

I groaned to myself, just wanting him to leave. I was tired and hungry and really cranky, and I wanted Logan gone.

"This'll go a lot easier if you let me give you a ride," Logan said simply.

"My dad would kill me."

"So? Rules are meant to be broken," he shrugged. "What kinda life will you have if you always obey?"

"Hopefully a long, safe one."

"I'd rather die young and live big than die old and not live at all," Logan smarted. "People say play it safe, but I don't wanna live that way. I say take a chance and change the game, you know? Show em that you're not afraid."

"Why do you even care how or if I live?" I snapped. "Just go."

"I guess I don't REALLY care," he said thoughtfully. "I just have nothing else to do."

I was silent, staring ahead as I walked, praying for him to ride away, but he didn't.

"Why do you all assume that because I have ink and a piercing and a bike, I'm automatically dangerous?" Logan asked simply. "You're all so judgmental here, like, I'm really not that bad, I don't think."

"You tried to kill me for almost running over you with my car," I said flatly. "Not the best first impression. Then you walk around school like if someone so much as looks at you, you'll knife them or something. It scares people- especially around here."

"I guess I can be a little defensive," he said after a while of silence.

I said nothing and planned on not saying anything else for the rest of the walk in hopes he would get bored and ride off.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Logan look up at the stars as he walked his bike, taking a deep breath.

"You're the only one who has really made an effort to even talk back to me," he said, looking over at me. "Like, if I think a person's nice, I try to start conversation. They all roll their eyes and walk away, but you didn't."

I felt bad now for not talking to him, but I wasn't giving in.

"Back in Cali, I wasn't a big whoop. Practically everyone at my school had ink or piercings," Logan said. "I thought I could survive around here being the way I am… But I think I might die of boredom if SOMEONE doesn't start talking to me."

"You don't have to conform," I said softly. "If this is the way you, are, roll with it."

"But nobody likes me," Logan retorted. "I mean, I'm no social butterfly, but everyone needs friends, right?"

I sighed, twisting my lips.

"Maybe if you just tried to be nicer."

"Nice isn't my strong point."

I said nothing, and we were left in silence again.

"It's still a long walk home," Logan said simply. "Just hop on, we'll be there in like two minutes."

I groaned and gave in, going to him. Surprised, he stopped the bike as I approached.

I felt my heart pounding in my throat as I looked down at the shiny black metal. I was afraid, okay? Motorcycles are big and loud and dangerous, and I wouldn't have head protection. I wasn't even sure if I trusted Logan with my life- one sharp turn and we were dead.

He scooted higher on the seat as I slowly straddled it behind him.

"This is probably the gayest thing I've ever done," I said, trying to lighten the mood for myself. Hey, we were two guys on a motorcycle and I would have to hug his back. It was pretty gay.

"Not me," Logan said simply as the motorcycle roared to life. I jumped and suddenly had a death grip around Logan's waist, hearing him laugh as I pressed my forehead to his back.

I didn't even feel the motorcycle start to move until I dared to lift my head and see that we were riding smoothly down the road. We weren't going as fast as I saw that he usually did, which I appreciated.

"You okay, Carlos?" he called over his shoulder, surprising me with his remembrance of my name.

"Eyes on the road," I called back, making him laugh.

After a second, I seemed to relax and enjoy the ride. My grip on him didn't loosen, for "safety reasons", you know. His leather jacket smelled really good, like just a spritz or two of cologne. The back of his head was neatly buzzed and I saw that the long hair up front was held up and back with gel in a seemingly impossible fashion. You could tell he wasn't from here just by his haircut, which I had never seen before.

As the cool air blew past us, his words rang in my head.

"Not me."

As in, this wasn't the gayest thing he's done. As in… He's done worse with a guy? Earlier when I said that it took a homosexual to know one, he just shrugged and said "maybe". Was he… Coming out to me?

"Are you gay?" I found myself calling to him.

The bike jerked to a stop, slamming me into his hard frame. Suddenly he was turning the bike off and unboarding. Oh gosh. I made him mad. Oh gosh. This is the end!

"Get off of my bike," he said simply. I hesitantly got off, my legs feeling weird from the vibration that just stopped with the bike's engine.

"I'm sorry, man, it just slipped," I pleaded. "I'm sorry!"

Logan's brows knitted in confusion.

"Go home," he said, puzzled. I looked around, realizing that we were in a driveway. This was Logan's house, and I could see my own house just down the road.

"I thought you were mad," I said in relief.

"Not really… But you can't just ASK a guy that," he said. "There're boundaries."

I wasn't sure if that answer meant that he was gay or not, but I didn't dare push it.

"You asked me," I pointed out.

"And you lied about it."

I opened my mouth to say something, then stopped in realization. Logan held my eyes with his for a second before he started backing coolly toward the house.

"I think you're safe now," he said, opening the door to the house, which was dark inside. "But be careful."

I watched him disappear into the house, my mind jumbled and confused.

* * *

**Woo! And the Cargan begins! :D**


	3. True Colors?

Papi and I were out in the garage that Sunday afternoon cleaning up his police motorcycle. I know it seems ironic- he wants me away from motorcycles even though he has to ride one every day. Anyway, we were cleaning it with the radio playing the Spanish channel. My dad spoke fluent Spanish, having grown up in a whole other country, and he, like my mom, had an accent. I was pretty good at Spanish, too, but not as good as my older brothers, who grew up in a Spanish neighborhood.

Anyway, I was shining up the leather while he worked on the chrome engine.

"Have you seen that kid's bike that lives down the road?" Papi asked. I hesitated, feeling like he knew how much I had thought about last night and my ride with Logan and was testing to see if I would lie to him.

"I've seen it," I nodded. "He's a senior like me."

"Really? I would have thought he was in his twenties."

Normally I would consider the possibility of a boy like Logan being in his twenties and still in high school, but I decided he was too smart for that.

"He's pretty nice. To me at least," I said.

"He's sure got a noisy bike."

"He likes to show it off. He's from California."

"That explains it," Papi smirked good-naturedly. Pretty much everything Papi did was good-natured. "He doesn't even wear a helmet."

I wanted to steer the conversation away from the topic, so I decided on a little joke to let him know that I was on his side.

"He's got a thick skull and wears enough hair gel to make up for it," I grinned, making Papi laugh.

"I don't think he's the type that a nice boy like you should be hanging around with, though," he said in that way parents talk when they're dropping you a hint.

"He isn't. But I feel bad for him- he's kind of an outcast."

"You've been cursed with the Garcia Heart Of Gold," Papi sighed.

"A blessing and a curse."

"Do you know if he's into drugs or anything?"

"He doesn't seem like it. He just has a horrible attitude."

"Good- I don't want to have to arrest him and then we get our windows knocked out with rocks," Papi grumbled. "It's happened to officers before."

"I'm one of the few people he likes, I think," I assured. "He wouldn't do that."

Papi got up and slung his shop-rag over his broad shoulder.

"She's looking good," he said, looking down at his white police motorcycle. I got up, too, not ready to stop talking about Logan for some reason, but agreeing anyway. "How much would it cost me to get you to wash the car now?"

"You don't have to pay me, Papi."

"I wanna help you get that car," Papi said. "How about a big fat twenty?"

I smirked, secretly loving Dad slipping me cash here and there, and nodded. He did the same thing with James, too. He's got the "Garcia Heart Of Gold", after all.

I had to agree with my dad- I shouldn't hang out with Logan a whole lot. Then again, could I foresee us hanging out a lot at all? I didn't think it was a big deal and decided not to worry about it.

* * *

It was a warm day, so I had no problem getting a little wet as I washed the car. I had my sunglasses on with gym shorts, a t-shirt, and bare feet, and I have to say that I was happy to be in that attire from that harsh Minnesota winter.

After I had wet the car down, James and Kendall pulled into the driveway in Brooke's car.

"Awe, man, I was gonna ask if I could do it," James groaned as he got out of the driver's side. "I was gonna take someone on a hot date tonight."

"I'm busy tonight," Kendall said casually with a wink as he slid over the hood of Brooke's car. "Maybe another time."

"You can help and we can split the money," I offered.

Within minutes, Kendall and James were helping me scrub the car. They had turned the radio on in the garage and it was blasting now, making things much more entertaining than it would be without them, as usual.

"Incoming," I heard Kendall say lowly, and I followed his eyes to see someone walking down the sidewalk, hands in their jeans pockets. I could tell by the tattoo on the forearm that it was Logan, and although a part of me started to get self-conscious (Do I look okay? Oh gosh, I bet I'm sweating!), I was also nervous about how James and Kendall would act toward him.

I turned back to the car, deciding that it would be best that Logan don't talk to me. Not only would James no doubt give me a hard time about it later and insist I had a crush, but I didn't want he and Kendall to be mean to Logan.

"He's so creepy," Kendall whispered.

"Agreed," James murmured.

I heard the sound of boots hitting the sidewalk, getting louder by the step.

"Don't even look at me, that's cool," Logan said simply, making me feel bad. I looked up, finding that Kendall and James were avoiding him, too.

"Hey, man," I said brightly, deciding to play dumb. I looked up to find him passing by, taking a cigarette from his lips and blowing smoke into the air.

"It's fine," Logan mumbled as he kept walking. I sighed and looked across the car to my friend, seeing that James was making kissy faces to me and Kendall kept ignoring Logan.

"Logan!" I called. "Come over here- I have something to show you."

"Bon-chicka-wow-wow," James sang, making Kendall crack up and me roll my eyes. Logan hesitantly stopped and looked over his shoulder at me before following me to the garage, eyes not even glancing at the other two.

"You don't have to acknowledge me," Logan said as I lead him into the garage. I shrugged and stopped before my dad's motorcycle, putting my sunglasses atop my head. The radio was loud, but he was close enough that we could talk normally and still hear one another.

"It's kinda lame, but I thought you might like it," I said. "Definitely not your style, but you're into bikes, you I figured you'd be interested."

"Maybe if you took the 'MSPD' off and painted it some rad color- maybe like silver and black or shiny red," Logan said, his fingertips caressing the leather seat. "It's pretty sick. Whose is it?"

"My dad's."

"Your dad's a cop?"

"Yeah. So don't do anything stupid at your house," I joked, making him smirk a little. It occurred to me that I had never seen him actually smile.

I looked past him to see James and Kendall already forgetting about us as they continued washing the car and "flirting" with one another.

"What're you doing out? Doesn't sunlight burn vampires?" I asked with a smile.

"I put sunscreen on," he said smoothly. "I'm actually breaking in these new boots."

He lifted a foot from the ground so that I could see his new black combat boots.

"Those are nice. Were they expensive?" I asked. "I've only ever seen them go for like two hundred dollars."

"Oh yeah, they were pricey," he shrugged. "But I look cool, right?"

"You always look cool," I smirked. Logan seemed to beam a little and acted like he was popping an invisible collar.

"Who's blondie over there?" he asked, tilting his head over to Kendall.

"He's Kendall- mine and James' friend," I explained. Logan nodded a little and looked around the garage.

"Well I guess I should get going," he said after a second.

"Okay."

I followed him out of the garage and stopped at the car as he kept going. The little talk made me wonder if he had really had a conversation with anyone since he had been here in Minnesota.

"Don't get too close," I heard James say under his breath as Logan passed behind him.

"What was that?" Logan smarted, stopping his smooth pace. James turned and Logan's eyes burned like coals up on him, like he wasn't half a foot taller than him and didn't have about fifty pounds on him.

"Just beat it," James said softly.

"I'll just beat you," Logan retorted, getting closer. I knew what James could do- there was a hole in our bedroom wall, covered by a poster to hide it from our parents, from where James had punched through the plaster out of anger.

I know I probably should have said something, but I didn't think of it at the time. I just stood there, watching like an idiot.

"Do something," James challenged. "PUNK."

Logan's hands connected with James' chest, shoving him back against the wet car. That's all it took before Kendall was in defense mode, shoving Logan away roughly and yelling at him.

"What the hell is your problem?" Kendall was screaming. "Get the fuck off of their property!"

Logan's eyes boiled black up on Kendall, challenging him, once again not even acknowledging the difference in size. It seemed like Logan had a bit of a Napoleon Complex- like he thought that he was bigger than he was.

"Hey!" I heard Papi interrupt, coming out of the garage. Logan's eyes flicked to Papi in his police uniform (he was about to go to work), and suddenly he was backing away. I wasn't sure how much he saw, but I think that if he knew that Logan had attacked James he may have been angrier.

Logan looked at me, almost offended that I hadn't stood up for him, before he turned and stormed away.

"ASSHOLE!" Kendall yelled after him, making Logan flip him the bird over his shoulder.

"Watch your mouth," Papi said simply as he casually rolled his bike out of the garage.

"Sorry, Mr. Garcia," Kendall said.

* * *

Kendall went home that night alone, leaving James and I at home in our room playing video games.

I wasn't able to get the motorcycle ride out of my head. You know when something exciting happens and you think about it so much that it just kind of morphs into this extravagant thing that it wasn't originally? That's exactly what happened to me.

By the time Saturday night rolled around, suddenly Logan's body was hard with muscles when I held onto him and the breeze was heavenly through my hair. Suddenly I was deathly afraid when I got on the bike, but Logan's presence made me feel safe. Suddenly it was like my two-minute bike ride with Logan was something from a romantic novel or one of those fanfiction things on the internet. In my mind, it was like it was "love at first sight" or something, like we were two characters meant for each other and came together in some stupid, unrealistic way.

"I have to tell you something," I said from my seat on the floor against James' bed, James on his bed above me.

"I know."

"You know?"

"I know you're excited about something," he said smartly. "So spit it out."

James and I were only step-brothers, but I swear sometimes he was like my twin. We always knew weird things about one another, like right now, when James could tell something was on my mind.

"Yesterday after work I was walking home and Logan came up on his motorcycle," I began, and immediately James paused the game to stare intently at me.

"Did you make out?" he urged.

"What? No!"

"Did he confess his love to you?"

"Noooo."

"Then what?"

"He offered me a ride home, and of course I said no."

"WHY? A motorcycle ride with a hot guy? WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM, LOS?"

"Shut UP!" I retorted, hating it when he got excited and interrupted me, like right now. "I turned it down, and Logan said that it could be dangerous alone at night, and that he was gonna walk me home. At that point, I was pissy from work and just wanted him off my case, so-"

"SO YOU RODE HIS BIKE?" James whispered excitedly.

"For like two minutes."

James practically peed himself with excitement, while still trying to be quiet, since my parents were downstairs.

I opened my mouth to tell James about mine and Logan's little talks about being gay, but decided that James would take that as "Logan's a fag!" and might tell everyone, and I didn't want that to happen to Logan. Instead, I went the other way.

"He knows I'm gay," I continued. "He just GUESSED, and I tried to lie about it, but he doesn't believe me."

"You guys are meant to be," James melted. I loved how supportive he was of me. It was easy for him to reject me, reject Logan, and try to convince me that I liked girls, but instead he loved me all the same. "I ship you two. Cargan. That's what people'll call you two. 'Oh, look- there goes Cargan.' 'Aren't they so cute?' 'I love Cargan.'"

"Come ON. I don't do this about you and Kendall, and I'm pretty sure you're closer to in love than Logan and I," I laughed. "What would your name be? KAMES?"

"That's amazingly sexual," James said proudly before snapping back to the point. "But how did Logan act when he found out about you?"

"Just casual," I shrugged. "He said there were a lot of gays where he's from."

"I think he likes you," James sang. "He watched your lips a lot when you talked to him. That's a sign, you know."

"Lots of people do that."

"It's sexual body language, Los, take it from the expert."

"It doesn't even matter. Even if he was gay, he wouldn't risk his ego as 'bad boy' to date me. Even if we WANTED to date. We barely know each other."

"But you like him," James sang happily.

"Do not."

"Carlitos has his first man-crush! I'm so excited!"

"I don't like him!"

"But he likes you."

"No he doesn't. He just TRUSTS me for some reason," I said, more to myself than him. "There's a difference. Besides- you shouldn't want him to like me, considering he tried to kick your ass today."

"Yeah, that was scary," James said, eyes wide. "He's so little, but DAMN."

"See? So then you don't want us to date."

"No, I do. When are you gonna tell Kendall?"

I sighed, knowing that I would be seeing Kendall for the rest of my life and he should probably know about my sexuality. I just… Didn't find it necessary for him to know. I wouldn't be dating any guys, so why did it matter?

"When are you gonna tell Mom and Papi?" James asked, seeing that I couldn't answer his first question.

"When and if I ever get a real boyfriend that I want to be serious with," I reasoned. "Until that happens, there's no reason for anyone to know."

James nodded thoughtfully and twisted his lips.

"Are you gonna, like, be his buddy?" he asked.

"Papi told me that he doesn't want me even talking to him…"

"So what?"

"SO, he's my dad and I have to listen to him."

"Oh, for God's sake, Carlitos. Sometimes you have to go against your Daddy and live your life!" James groaned. "And besides. I KNOW your golden little heart can't bear to watch Logan walk around lonely and friendless."

I sighed, knowing he was right.

"AND if you don't hang out, how will you ever fall in love?"

James laughed as I tossed a dirty shirt from the floor back at him.

* * *

**Alrighty, let's get this Cargan ball rolling! :D**

**Thank you, thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for all your support! I love this story, too! :)**


	4. Confused

"Hey. Wanna see something cool?" Logan smirked beside me at the lab station, where we were to be doing an experiment like the rest of the class.

"We need to put the magnesium ribbon into the hydrochloric acid and- what're you doing?" I questioned, my eyes drifting from the paper in front of me to watch Logan pull the Bunsen burner to the center of the table.

"Just watch."

Logan lit the burner and held the magnesium carefully, putting it into the flame. Immediately blinding white light erupted from the action, making me squeeze my eyes closed and turn away.

I looked up to see Logan's black eyes mesmerized on the light. I jerked his hand away from the flame to make the magnesium ribbon stop burning, and he smirked and dropped the charred ribbon to the table.

"Are you blind now?" I asked angrily, turning the Bunsen burner off.

"Hell yeah I'm blind," he said smoothly, looking around. "There's a blue blob in the middle of my vision now."

I sighed, realizing that now we had no magnesium to do the assignment with.

"What're we gonna do about the experiment now?" I questioned angrily. "The magnesium's unusuable and we have to write stuff down about what we did.."

"We can just stick our fingers in the acid and see what happens," Logan shrugged. "Or, better yet, let's find a bug! There's plenty of them around this shithole."

I crossed my arms angrily at him. I was glad that he was comfortable around me- to an extent, at least- but now he just seemed STUPID. Like he just wanted to have fun and really didn't care about consequences.

"I already know what would happen," Logan retorted. "It's gonna bubble and fizz and make magnesium chloride."

"You don't know that."

"Yes. I do."

"How?"

"I just… Know," Logan said stiffly, seemingly getting angry.

"How did you know about the burning thing?"

"I just DO, okay?"

I didn't want to make Logan too mad and lose his trust, so I dropped the matter.

Logan looked down at his paper, biting at his lip ring.

"Did they say anything about your tattoo and piercing?" I asked.

"What does it matter?" he snapped. "I'd get expelled before I hide them."

Alright, I guess I pissed him off, then, didn't I? He had obviously closed himself off for some reason and didn't want me talking to him anymore.

I sighed and turned to the questions we were supposed to answer, and Logan did the same. His dark eyes flicked over the words and he growled to himself before lighting the burner again. I said nothing, just watching, as he lit the corner of his paper on fire, then set the burning mass into the sink and walking away.

"Logan!" I hissed. He looked at me over his shoulder and shrugged before collecting his books and simply leaving the room.

* * *

Later that day, I was in my car in my spot, which Logan gave up for me, alone in the car. James stayed after school with Kendall and they were going to David's Bridal to get fitted for prom tuxedos. I wasn't going to prom- I know, I was a senior and should go, but I had gone the previous year and didn't think it was anything special, especially without a date.

I started the car and immediately there was a knock on the passenger side window, making me jump. I looked over to see Logan looking in at me and I opened the window.

"Hey… Can I have a ride?" he asked. This was weird. First off, I thought he was mad at me! Second, Logan was asking me for help?

"Um… Yeah," I said, startled, and unlocked the doors. "Hop in."

He slumped into the seat and closed the door. After a second, he looked over at me expectantly.

"Put on your seatbelt," I said simply.

"Seatbelts are for pussies."

"Well you're gonna look like a real pussy when you're in a car accident and you slam through the windshield. Only pussies can't control their limp bodies through impossible impact," I smarted. Logan stared blankly at me, seeing that I was serious, and he sighed and put his seatbelt on.

"Happy?"

"Sure am," I said, putting the car into reverse and started to pull out. "Where's your bike?"

"She wouldn't start this morning," Logan sighed. "I guess I have to see what's up when I get home."

"She?"

Logan gave me a frank look and I shrugged in surrender.

"I didn't wanna walk home- that's a long-ass walk- and I figured you live close to me and you're a nice guy, so maybe you'd give me a ride," he continued.

"It's no problem. Where's your backpack?"

"I don't have homework," he shrugged simply.

"What? I'm loaded with homework."

"I already did mine."

"LOGAN does HOMEWORK?" I teased.

"Believe it or not, Logan has a 4.0 GPA."

"DAY-UM," I smirked. I was surprised. Sure, I knew he was smart. He DID know about the magnesium-in-the-fire thing, after all, and the outcome of the experiment. But I had no idea that he was serious about school.

Logan reached up to change the radio station, which I didn't mind, and I noticed writing on the inside of his middle finger, between it and his index finger.

"What's on your finger?" I asked with interest. I thought he might have doodled on it or something.

He lifted his middle finger to show me really fancy black writing starting at the bottom of his first knuckle to a little above the web of his finger.

"It says Alexander," he said.

"Who's that?"

"My little brother."

"You have a brother? I've never seen him," I said, but then realized my mistake. What if Alexander was DEAD or something?

"He lives in Cali with my aunt," he said, almost softly, which surprised me.

"Why?" I asked like an idiot. Man, I must really like to push it with Logan.

"My mom has breast cancer and she had to move here for the hospital, and she needed someone to take care of her, so I had to come. It was best for Alex to stay with my aunt in Cali because he was going to a really good school," Logan explained softly. "I mean, he's only in kindergarten, but still."

I could tell that Logan was close with his brother and missed him a lot, so I didn't push the conversation about him.

"Is your mom okay?"

"She's going through chemo… So no."

I was silent, not having the slightest idea what to say to that. I sort of understood why he was the way he was- so closed off and tough. He was going through a lot. I wondered how it was all effecting his little brother.

"Where's the other idiot?" Logan asked after a while. "Your brother?"

"Him and Kendall went to get tuxes for prom," I said. "Are you going to prom?"

"Yeah. Right," he snorted.

"What's wrong with prom?"

"Well you tell me. You're obviously not going."

"Touche," I smirked.

"Maybe it's the dancing, or the constant grinding on everyone, or the dressing up, or the money spent on pointless shit," Logan shrugged. "It just doesn't scream fun to me."

"I bet you look good in a tux," I found myself saying. Logan's head snapped my way, but instead of looking confused he looked slightly pleased. "But dancing is fun, right?"

"No."

"Then you're not doing it right."

"Then show me how," Logan said, almost seductively. I decided that instead of making it awkward, I just smirked and rolled my eyes at him, although I knew I was blushing.

"Wow. You're beet red," Logan said simply. I laughed and shrugged. "So if you like dancing, why aren't you going to prom?"

"Who would I go with?" I retorted.

"You don't have to go with anyone."

"What fun is that?"

"Point taken. But it's your senior year."

"Yours, too," I pointed out.

"Fine. I'll go if you go."

"Who would you ask?"

"I dunno… I might just fly solo. Unless you wanna hang."

I opened my mouth to answer, but stopped.

"Did you just ask me to prom?" I laughed.

"How else are you supposed to teach me to dance?"

"Aren't you scared everyone else will think you're gay or something?"

"'Or something'," Logan smirked sarcastically.

"What does that mean?"

"Where are we going?" Logan asked instead of answering the question, realizing that we were on an unfamiliar road.

"I'm taking the long way. It's a pretty day- why not?"

"Okay," he said timidly.

"I'm actually just taking you into the woods to kill you."

"Hm. Seems more likely."

I guessed that Logan was kidding about the prom thing, since he didn't push it any further. I looked over to see him nipping at his black lip ring his dark eyes flicking at the scenery. I rolled the windows down to let in the warm spring air and Logan rested his elbow on the windowsill and gripped the top of the car, his big tattoo glowing in the sunlight.

"That's a nice tattoo," I offered. He looked over at it and nodded.

"I got it a few months ago," he said. "For my dad."

"Your dad?"

"Um… Yeah… You're just full of questions, aren't you?"

"Sorry. I'm just trying to figure you out."

"My dad was in the army and he hit a landmine and died a few months ago, around the time my mom was diagnosed," he explained. "It was a rough time."

"That's horrible," I outburst, catching his attention. I sighed, almost angrily, and shook my head. I had no idea how hard Logan's life was until now, and it made me mad!

"Um… Yeah. So it's an army guy with his birth and death dates," he explained. "For him."

"I'd never be able to get a tattoo. My dad wouldn't let me."

"Who cares what your dad says?"

"I do."

Logan said nothing, and I appreciated that he didn't preach to me.

We were silent for the rest of the ride until I pulled into his driveway.

He unbuckled his seatbelt and went for the door handle before he stopped and looked over at me.

"Thanks," he said. "Do you wanna come help fix my bike?"

"Yeah," I said, a little too excitedly. "When?"

"Now?"

"I have homework…"

"Oh… Yeah. Okay," he said sadly. I sighed to myself, and decided I was being a jerk.

"It can wait," I gave in.

"Cool," Logan nearly beamed.

* * *

Logan led me into his house, which was pretty big for only two people. It smelled like flowers in there, which made me want to sneeze.

"Sorry about the smell," Logan said bashfully. "Mom like craves the smell of lilacs lately."

I followed him into the living room, where a small woman was curled up on the couch watching TV. She had on a toboggan and I could tell that she was balding.

"Hey, Ma," Logan smiled- I had never seen him smile and I had to note that he had dimples. He bent down to kiss her cheek before gesturing for me to come over. "This is Carlos. A… Guy from school."

I noticed that he didn't say "friend", and I didn't know what that meant.

I shook her frail hand.

"Hi, Carlos. Sorry about the mess," she laughed.

"Oh, it's fine," I assured.

"It's just… Not every day that Logan brings someone home with him."

"We're just gonna take a look at my bike, Ma," Logan said.

"Is something wrong with it?"

"Wouldn't start this morning."

"Were you late to school?"

"Yeah," Logan sighed.

"I would have driven you."

"You need to rest."

Logan's mom sighed and shook her head at me, making me laugh. I expected her to be weak and fragile and unable to talk, I guess, and it surprised me that she was so spunky.

"Oh, your aunt called," she said to Logan. "Her and Alex are coming down for a few days."

"When?" Logan asked quickly.

"Not sure yet. But I miss them."

"Me, too."

Soon we were out in the garage, which was completely bare save a little car and Logan's motorcycle. There was a big tool chest against one wall, and that was it.

"Your mom's great," I said as he closed the door behind me and opened the big garage door to let air in.

"Yeah. I love her to death, you know, but she's a character."

It was great to watch Logan do something he loves. He worked on his bike with such care, using tools like an expert as he dissected it.

After a while, he smirked a little and looked up at me.

"I don't know why I invited you. I guess I just wanted company."

"It's okay," I shrugged.

"Will you get on the other side of this wheel and push on this?" Logan asked, touching the place on the bike he wanted me to push on. I got to my knees in front of him, where he was on the opposite side, and did so as he pushed on something else.

Immediately black oil spilled from it and splattered onto the floor.

"Well fuck," he laughed. I had never heard him laugh, and I have to say I liked it. "I think we found the problem."

I watched him clean up the mess.

"So… was that a no on prom?" he asked suddenly, still wiping black goo up.

"I didn't know you were serious."

Logan shrugged and looked up at me.

"You confuse me," I admitted.

"How?"

I didn't know how to say to him "You keep insinuating that you're gay, but I don't know!" or "Why do you keep hitting on me?!", so instead I shrugged and laughed.

"Well I guess you don't have to decide right now," he said, tossing the soiled rag away and starting to put the pieces back together. "I just thought it would be dope to have someone to hang with."

"I feel bad, but I just… I don't want people to think things," I admitted.

"Why not? Would you not want them to think that you and dumbass Logan are doing it up the butt? Why NOT? Am I that bad?"

"No!" I said quickly. "I just… I don't want people to think that I'm gay or that you're gay."

"You mean you don't want people to KNOW."

"See? Stuff like THAT," I said simply. "What does that mean?"

"It's your senior year, Carlos. What does it matter if they know you're gay?"

"Are YOU gay?"

"We're not talking about me right now."

I paused, staring lasers at him, and he looked up innocently.

"Who even cares if we went together?" he persisted. "It's not like we'll be making out or anything- we're just two guys keeping each other's company. What're you afraid of?"

"Nobody knows about me."

"Join the club."

"What the FUCK does that mean?" I almost growled.

"It means that there are people that you know that are in-the-closet or maybe they don't even know about themselves and never will, and if you just admit it to yourself early on, your life will turn out so much better," he said with equal intensity.

"I have admitted it to myself- that doesn't mean I want everyone to know."

"WHY NOT?"

"Why don't you want me to know about you?" I shot back.

"If I didn't want you to know I wouldn't have hinted it so much."

"So you ARE gay."

"I'm Logan!"

I growled in frustration and shot up. Why was Logan getting me so worked up? I rarely EVER got angry!

"You don't have to put labels on everything," Logan said angrily. "Sometimes you just have to accept something for what it is! I'm not asking you to be my prom DATE, I'm asking you to just go to prom WITH me. And-"

"Speak ENGLISH!"

"I don't have to come out and SAY something. Do I have to tell you that I'm a rebellious prick? No! That's obvious! Do you have to tell me that you're a goody-two-shoes? No. Did you ever have to tell me that you're gay? No. You're not GAY. You're CARLOS. And Carlos happens to like boys. That's it."

I paused and stared at him with hard eyes.

"Great. Another person that hates me," he said sarcastically. "Thanks, God!"

"I don't hate you, Logan," I said, still angrily. "I just wish you would stop being so confusing."

Logan sighed and started to wipe his hands.

"I like you, Carlos. There, is that up-front enough for you?"

"Not really," I said. I didn't know how he meant what he said- there were so many ways I could take it.

"If I didn't like you, I'da punched your lights out by now. But you're just too damn adorable to hurt."

I was silent. Nobody had ever called me adorable before.

"I don't care if you don't give a shit about me. But thanks for acknowledging me," Logan finished.

We stared at one another, me not knowing what to say. Of course I didn't want to abandon him- I was the only friend he had, whether he wanted to call me that or not.

"I'm sorry for pissing you off," he said softly. "I guess I'll see you around."

"How about we got Friday to get fitted for tuxes?"

His brows knitted in confusion.

"It'll be fun. You need some chill time with a buddy," I offered. "Just come over after school and we'll go in my car."

"You call ME confusing?"

"Are you in?"

"I guess so."

* * *

**Aaaawe. Next chapter's gonna be good! :)**


	5. Made Up Mind

**Yay! Our James did so good on DWTS. He was so nervous he looked like a kid and it was adorable. :D And Kendall's (AND DUSTIN'S) new song! Yes!**

**I haven't had interweb for a while, so I'm gonna go see what's up on Twitter- I bet like James is engaged to Peta and Kendall and Logan came out as together and Carlos had a baby (not Alexa, him.) So we'll see EVERYTHING that I missed. :D**

* * *

"Breath check," James said excitedly, bending his knees and closing his eyes, waiting for me to let him smell my breath.

"I'm not gonna breathe in your nose," I said frankly. "C'mon- I think he's here."

James hurriedly smoothed down my hair, straightened my clothes, and looked up my nose for any bats in the cave. He was beyond excited about Logan and I going to prom "together", although I told him that Logan himself said that it was just friendly. Now Logan and I were going to the tuxedo place and James had made sure to spritz me with his cologne and made me brush my teeth and comb my hair in the two minutes I had between getting home from school and having to leave.

"Don't burp at dinner, don't pick your nose, don't tell crude jokes, don't-"

"I never do those things anyway," I laughed as he followed me to the door.

"And Carlos, do NOT make the first move."

"What move am I gonna make?" I asked flatly.

"I'm serious. You wait for him."

"No moves will be made," I assured as I reached the door.

"I'll text you topics to talk about."

"I don't need TOPICS."

"Okay. And flirt a little? Just a LITTLE."

"I'm not gonna flirt. This isn't a DATE, James!"

I opened the door to find Logan about to knock on it. He froze and looked at me in surprise. I could feel James beaming behind me, although Logan stared daggers at him.

"Take care of him," James sang, nudging me forward. "Use protection!"

"James!" I hissed.

"Real mature, asshole," Logan spat. I rolled my eyes and hurried past Logan, hoping he would follow instead of try to pick a fight with James.

"Remember what I said!" James called after me. I shot him a look to kill as he closed the door.

"I'm sorry," I sighed as I opened the driver's side door of the car. "He's a bit of an ass."

"Think so?" Logan retorted as he got into the other side. I was about to get into the car when the front door opened. I expected to turn and see James there, but instead it was Brooke.

"Carlos?" she called as she came out of the house. "Where are you going?"

"I figured Dad would tell you- I'm going to get fitted for a prom tux," I said. Brooke bent to look into the car and her face changed.

"Is that the motorcycle boy?" she whispered.

"Brooke, we have an appointment."

"Why are you with him?" she hissed. "Didn't your father say you couldn't see him?"

"He did."

Brooke's hazel eyes turned serious.

"If you don't get in the house right now, I'm going to tell him," she said sternly.

Now I was torn. I didn't want my dad to know that I was hanging out with Logan, because then he would be mad and might punish me. But I couldn't just tell Logan to beat it- I could tell he was excited for tonight, and I was, too.

"I don't want you with him, either," she whispered.

"Brooke-"

"I'm a legal guardian," she said. "And what I say goes."

I took a deep breath, thinking about Logan in the car waiting, getting impatient. I was impatient, too. We had an appointment at the tuxedo place, and then we were going to grab something to eat. We were going to have fun!

"Well I'm going," I said. "Do what you want."

"You can't go. You're not 18, so you have to obey me."

"And you're not my mother."

Brooke's mouth fell open as I got in the car and started it.

"Everything okay?" Logan asked.

"Nope."

I whipped out of the driveway and down the road.

"Fucking Brooke is trying to ruin my life, I swear she is," I growled to myself.

"Who was she?"

"James' mom, my stepmom," I explained. "She makes us wash our hands when we come into the house and all this other bullshit, and I hate it. I hate living there and I hate her and I hate all those stupid rules."

"Wow," Logan laughed a little.

"I'm sorry. I'm just so mad."

"Well what did she say?"

I opened my mouth to tell him the whole story, but then realized that I couldn't tell him that my family had judged him and didn't want me around him. He was really counting on me to hang out with him.

"She just said that I had to stay home because I have C's and D's in some classes," I lied.

"You look like you're about to cry."

"I've never disobeyed her or my dad, and I did both. And I yelled at Brooke," I said, realizing that he was right and trying to compose myself.

"Oh, I think they'll forgive you," Logan retorted. "This ONE TIME. You'll get your grades up."

"But I never EVER go against them."

"Does James?"

"Yeah. All the time."

"Then what's the big deal?"

"I just feel bad."

"Well… At least you have a dad and a stepmom that cares," he offered. I suddenly felt horrible- his father was dead and his mom was close to it. "What about your real mom?"

"I guess it's your turn to ask all the deep questions?" I laughed a little, my mood easing with his careless attitude.

"Yup."

"My mom lives in Florida," I answered.

"Do you have siblings?"

"Three brothers- all older and moved out. Then there's James."

"Okay. So Carlos has problems, too, eh?"

"A few. But I have nothing on you."

"Some are dealt better cards than others," Logan shrugged. "Do you like your dad?"

"I love my dad. He's awesome. But he's a cop and a huge safety freak."

"It seems like you refrain from a lot of stuff because of him."

"We respect each other, so I have no reason to disobey," I sighed. "But lately I have a lot."

"Since you met me."

"Right."

* * *

It took a long time at the tuxedo shop, and I had to refrain from drooling over Logan in a suit before we left. We had to pick our suits up a few days before prom. It was getting dark when we got out, if that tells you how long we were there.

"So now what?" I asked. "What are you hungry for?"

"How about pizza?"

"I'm a sucker for pizza," I said excitedly. "We can just walk across the street to Mario's."

We got to the sidewalk and hit the walk button, waiting for our turn to walk through the traffic. As I looked both ways at the street (something I had been doing not twice but THREE times since I was a kid, thanks to Dad!), I felt cool fingers brush mine and struggle for access between them.

My head snapped Logan's way and I jerked my hand back in surprise.

"I was just trying to help you across the street," he shrugged simply. "Wanted to be a gentleman."

The "walk" bell dinged and I hurried across the street. I had no idea how to react- nobody had ever tried to hold my hand before, ESPECIALLY not Logan, who seems to hate EVERYONE.

I reached the restaurant and turned at the door to see Logan casually walking across the street, not caring about the cars waiting on him to get to the other side. Okay, I HAD to calm down! This wasn't a big deal to him, why should it be for me?

Logan reached me and I opened the door and we went in. He said nothing about what just happened, and just remained cool and composed as we found a booth.

"Are you mad at me?" Logan asked after we ordered drinks.

I shrugged, wanting to shrink behind my menu. I wasn't MAD. I was freaked out!

Logan cleared his throat awkwardly.

"So what are you ordering us?" he asked.

"Why don't you decide? I have to pee," I said quickly, sliding the menu to him and getting up. I had to talk to James about this.

I hurried to the bathroom, calling James on the way there.

"Lolo!" Kendall answered. "What's up?"

"I need James NOW," I ordered. I heard a faint "Is that Carlos?" in the background and the phone was snatched.

"Carlitos! Are you making out yet?" he asked.

"He tried to hold my hand," I said quickly. "And now I don't know what to do. We're at Mario's."

"What exactly happened?" he asked, and I could hear him leaving the room to get somewhere private.

"We were trying to cross the street and I wasn't looking and he just like TRIED. And I jerked my hand away and practically ran across the street. Now he's waiting for me at the table and PLEASE help!" I replied. "Tell me that I have to get home or something!"

"WHY? This is AWESOME, Los!" James said excitedly. "You just have to show him that you regret your reaction and you have to show him you're into him."

"What do I do?"

"You go back to the table and you say 'Sorry, I've been holding it all night' and then he would think that you ran across the street to pee. Eye contact is KEY. Bite your lip when he hits on you. Say something about how good he looked in is tux. And he'll take care of the rest. REMEMBER- don't make the first move."

"I don't wanna do this."

"Carlos, I know the feeling he's going through right now. He's showed you he's into you and he doesn't know if you like him back. You have to SHOW him."

I knew he was right. Logan had given me endless hints and I knew he must feel bad that I hadn't shown any interest in him. I still wasn't sure what I wanted with Logan, but I knew that there was no chance that it could be anything romantic if I don't do something soon. It was time for Angel Carlos to come out of his shell.

"I can't do this. I'm gonna throw up."

"Carlos! Come ON!"

* * *

"Sorry… I've… Been holding it all night," I said awkwardly as I sat, avoiding looking at him.

"Did James tell you to say that?"

"Yeah," I admitted.

I looked up to see Logan twisting his lips and nodding.

"Are you mad?" he asked.

"No."

"Are you sure?"

"I've never been involved with a boy before," I admitted. "I just wasn't expecting it."

"That doesn't mean you didn't disapprove."

"So what are we getting?"

Logan smiled a little and looked down at the menu. I was using his flawless way of avoiding questions with another question against him.

"How do you feel about onions?" he asked.

"I'll eat anything at this point."

"Cool. Medium supreme?"

"Sounds good."

_Eye contact is key._

I leaned my chin on my hand and looked up at him, his eyes turning up to mine. They were practically black- I couldn't tell where his pupils were, representing his coldness and emotional shield perfectly.

His eyes dropped as he took a sip of his drink.

"Have you ever dated a guy?" I asked.

Suddenly Logan seemed to go on guard, and I could tell it was a sensitive subject, and I sort of regretted asking. I just assumed I could ask anything, since he didn't seem to get emotional about his family.

"Next question."

"I don't have one," I said.

Logan sighed and twisted his lips.

"I dated a guy for about five months," he said. "We were a complete secret- we both dated girls during it. Then my dad died and my mom was diagnosed and I got the news that I was moving across the country."

Before I could ask anything, the waitress came up and asked what we wanted to order, making us both jump.

I could tell that Logan was still on edge and was desperate for something else to talk about as the waitress left after we ordered.

"So you broke up when you moved?" I asked.

"Yeah," he said softly. "Plus a whole lot of other stuff."

I could tell that it wasn't something he wanted to talk about, so I dropped it, figuring that I would find out eventually what happened between them.

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm being a horrible date."

"Date?"

"Don't you love how I just smoothly named this a date?"

"I do," I laughed. I had to admire how he switched from deep and dark to smooth and charming.

* * *

"What happened with your ex?" I asked as I parked in Logan's driveway. It had been bugging me- I knew there was more to the story!

"I wouldn't want to ruin your image of me," Logan said simply, turning to me. My brows furrowed. "You'd be afraid of me."

"Did you kill him?"

"No," Logan grinned, making me smile, too. He didn't smile a lot, but I loved to see those dimples when he did. "I'll tell you when you're older. But you don't have to worry about it."

"Did you rape him?"

"Noooo," Logan laughed. "Goodnight, Carlos. Thanks."

My eyes widened when I realized he was leaning in for a kiss. I could tell he wasn't going for my lips, but my cheek or temple. I decided it wasn't a big deal- Kendall and James kissed each other's faces all the time. I let it happen, his lips pressing to the right side of my face, making it heat up and my heart skip a beat.

"Are you okay?" Logan asked, pulling away.

"I'm great," I said, a little too wistfully.

Logan reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a set of a few keys with a black Sharpie on it. Taking my hand in his cold one, Logan scrawled out some numbers on the bottom of my palm.

"Nobody else in this state has this number," he said to me, recapping his marker. "Except Mom and I. So be careful with it."

I smiled a little and I think I could actually see a bit of blush on Logan's cheeks through the darkness.

"I had a lot of fun," he said.

"Me, too."

"I'll see you later."

I watched him get out of the car and sighed as he went into the dark house. I knew that he had just made up my mind, told me what I wanted.

I definitely wanted more of THAT.

* * *

It was only about 9 by the time I jiggled my key into the lock of the front door and stepped inside. I was incredibly light-hearted and a bit gitty, planning on going up to mine and James' room, turning on some music, and maybe doing a little dancing.

Like usual, I went straight to the kitchen and turned on the hot water, scrubbing my hands. In the back of my mind, I kept thinking that I shouldn't be doing Brooke's rules and that I was mad at her about something, but I couldn't get myself to really acknowledge it. I heard feet racing down the stairs and suddenly James and Kendall were at my sides.

"SO? What happened?" James demanded. I didn't know that they were over.

"Did he beat you up?" Kendall asked. I was surprised that he was over- normally he avoided visiting our house because of the whole "Kendall is a germy outsider" thing with Brooke.

"No, he didn't beat me up," I laughed as I dried my hands. I turned and leaned on the sink. James looked about to pee himself with excitement and Kendall looking curious, waiting for me to talk. "I had a lot of fun. We-"

"Carlos?" Papi said, entering the kitchen in his PJ's. His tone wasn't angry or anything, but the solemn look on his face sent ice into my stomach. He looked at James and Kendall then. "Boys, can we have a minute?"

James picked up on what was going on and gave me a sorry look, leading Kendall upstairs, where I knew they would be listening.

I forgot about my little talk with Brooke until now, when my father approached me, standing a few inches taller. He wasn't as scary as he would be in his police uniform, but my dad can be scary when he wants. I knew he hated yelling at me in particular, so he tried to control his tone of voice, but sometimes he lost it. I knew exactly what this was about.

"You said some bad things to Brooke today," he said, turning a chair toward me and sitting. He knew that I was okay with Brooke- I respected her and all- and knew it was out of character for me to be rude to her. For a second, I thought he would do that parent thing where you do something bad and your dad comes and sees why PHYCOLOGICALLY you did it. Are you being bullied? Are you stressed out? But then I remembered that I went against what he said about staying away from Logan, something I knew he was serious about.

"Yes, sir," I said quietly.

"I want you to apologize to her for that. She was trying to help me out."

"I know." My head was bowed like a kicked puppy, but I knew that he knew I was listening. It was a tactic that I learned from my second-to-oldest brother, who ALWAYS got in trouble. Act innocent, obey, say "yes sir" and "no sir", and bow your head. Mom was always Dad's backup, but she rarely ever lectured us.

"Who were you with, Carlos?"

I didn't want to say. Saying Logan's name would mean that I had messed up. Purposefully defied my father.

"Who were you with?" Dad repeated, almost angrily.

"L-Logan," I said. He didn't know Logan's name, but he already knew who I was with anyway so it didn't matter.

"I thought we talked about this."

"We did."

"And?"

"And I went against you," I said softly, a lump in my throat, staring at the linoleum floor.

"What did you say?"

I raised my chin and looked him in the eye, and I knew now he saw that mine were tearful, which destroyed him and showed him that I was sorry.

"I disobeyed you," I repeated, voice cracking.

"I've never had to worry about you, mijo," Dad said, using his name for all of his son- "mijo"- Spanish for my son. "You have always been such a good boy. But this… This seems like something James would do. And get away with, too."

I nodded, bowing my head again.

"There is a reason why I want you to stay away from him," Dad said. "Do you want to hear?"

"He's not as bad as he leads on to be- I swear," I pleaded.

"I did a background check on him and his mother," Papi said, shifting in his seat seriously.

"And?"

"His mother is clean. But he- Logan Mitchell- he is not a boy you want to be involved with."

Thoughts of what Dad could have found in his police files ran through my mind. What could Logan have done? Curiously, I peered up at him.

"By the time he was seventeen, he was arrested four times," Papi said seriously.

"For what?" I found myself asking.

"I don't know, Carlos."

"Then you have no right to judge him! What if he was arrested for being at the wrong place at the wrong time and they thought he killed someone? What if he just had an unpaid parking ticket? You don't KNOW!"

"Carlos!" Papi scolded.

"It doesn't matter, Dad," I said frantically. "I'm his only friend! YOU taught me to look out for others!"

"There is a reason why he doesn't have friends," Papi lectured.

"No there isn't! Everyone else just judged him, just like you did! He's so nice and so sweet and funny and nobody else will give him a chance!"

I could tell Papi was surprised that I was fighting back. I was, too, and frankly I was about to burst into tears.

"He tried to fight with James and Kendall! What kind of a chance could I give him after that?"

"And besides that, you can't tell me who I can and can't hang out with!" I said, reaching hysterics. "It's not like we're going out and getting drunk together or vandalizing buildings! We just hang out as friends!"

"Do not raise your voice at me!" Papi said angrily, his English limited although he was fluent.

"WHY NOT?"

"Respect! Something you do not seem to have anymore."

Papi's words stung me and sent a tear streaking my face, which I angrily swiped away. I looked away, catching sighed of James and Kendall sitting on the stairs watching us through the banister.

"Are we done here?" I asked weakly.

"You know I hate it, but if I don't lecture you now, I am afraid you will fall into the deep end."

"What deep end?" I asked.

"The one that he has fallen into."

I was silent, waiting to be dismissed.

"Do not see him anymore," Papi said, obviously finished with his lecturing.

"We're going to prom together."

"Not anymore."

I wanted to just yell at Papi, tell him "Well I like him! He kissed my cheek today and it almost made me pee myself! You can't keep us apart!" but I knew I couldn't. He may accept me as a gay, but things wouldn't be the same. I liked my secret world, which only James, Logan, and I knew about.

I wiped my face and went for the stairs, Papi not stopping me.

Kendall stared at me as I climbed the stairs, a solemn look on his face. I hated that he had to witness that. I tried to hide my tears and go as fast as possible so I could lock myself in mine and James' room, but of course James was on my tail.

"You're not really gonna stay away, are you?" James asked.

I was torn. I never wanted to be yelled at like that by Papi again, and I never wanted to yell at HIM again. But if I kept seeing Logan, I was risking that. Maybe it was best I stay away…

But that kiss lingered on my cheek, burned and tickled and reminded me of what I wanted since the moment it was placed there. I wanted HIM.

I reached the top of the stairs and turned into our room, trying to close the door in James' face, but he caught it.

"Carlitos, I think you need a hug. C'mon, man-"

"Just leave me alone," I said, climbing up to my bunk and slumping down, facing the wall.

A few more tears slipped and I felt James rubbing up and down my arm. I knew Kendall must be really confused, not knowing that Logan and I were romantically involved. I was upset about my fight in general, but I was more upset about not knowing what to do about Logan.

After I had calmed down, I flipped over to look at James, waiting so patiently.

"What's going on?" Kendall asked, obviously puzzled.

"He kissed my cheek in the car," I said to James. "It's nothing big, but I can't stop thinking about it."

James grinned excitedly and nodded.

"It's big," he said.

"I don't want to stay away, but I can't leave him alone again either. And maybe I want more."

"Wait-" Kendall began.

"Kenny, shut the hell up and read between the lines," James said, rolling his eyes. I laughed a little and sniffled.

"Am I overreacting?" I asked.

"For Carlitos? No. For a normal person? Big time," James laughed a little. "Anyone else would just say 'fuck it' and go behind Papi's back."

"You're too much of an angel," Kendall said.

"And that's great and adorable and stuff, but sometimes you have to get what you want!" said James. "Sometimes you have to stop thinking about consequences and think about NOW."

"What if Papi finds out?"

"What's he gonna do?"

"I dunno."

"I feel like if he finds out and is mad, you can sit him down and just TALK to him about it. He'll understand and you know it."

I stared down at the black numbers on my palm, faded from washing my hands.

"And at least he didn't get so mad he went all español on you," Kendall pointed out, making me laugh. He was right- at least Papi wasn't THAT mad.

"Kendall and I will go on double dates with you guys," James said. "You know, once he realizes I'm cool after I let you two fuck in the top bunk."

I burst into laughter, giggling away the rest of my sadness.

"Cause we'll be fucking in the bottom bunk," Kendall whispered scandalously, making us laugh harder. I was proud of him- he just found out that I was gay and still he didn't act weird, didn't really even react at all.

For the rest of the night I lay in my bunk watching James play video games and listening to Kendall lightly strum his guitar and experiment as we talked. I had put Logan's phone number into my phone, but deciding against texting him now.

* * *

**Yay!**

**I'm thinking prom next maybe? Don't be disappointed if it isn't!**


	6. Progress?

**Thank you all for your endless love and support! :D I love this story, too!**

* * *

The next week was spring break. Of course my family wasn't going to the beach or anything cool- we never do- and Kendall was over (Brooke didn't know this- she was out). Kendall had asked me a lot of questions about my sexuality and I was honest- they were stupid questions like "Have you ever done it with a guy?" and "Have you ever had a boyfriend?" which were of course "no's".

All three of us we on the front porch. I was sitting on the railing, Kendall and James on the front steps. James was messing around on Kendall's guitar, Kendall trying to teach him some chords but not succeeding. I had to note the way Kendall's fingers moved James'- so carefully and almost lingering. Sometimes I thought that they weren't ACTING gay- that there was something there- but I knew better. They were both taking girls to prom. James had Lucy Stone (TOTALLY not his type, but he likes her) and Kendall was taking his "on again off again girlfriend", Jo Taylor.

"Would you two stop?" I joked. "I can smell the love from here."

"Says the gay kid," Kendall smirked, but stopped when James licked his cheek seductively. Kendall groaned and wiped his cheek. "Honey! I told you not to do that outside of the bedroom!"

"You just taste so good," James joked back. I smirked, rolling my eyes. I was glad that now that they both knew about me, they didn't refrain from their usual antics to try to avoid offending me. It didn't offend me- it more made me wonder about them.

I watched a taxi shuffle by down the road. It caught my eye because, well, it's weird for a taxi to be around here. I turned my body, seeing it pull into Logan's driveway.

Kendall and James continued talking, but I was watching the taxi.

Logan came out of the house in a t-shirt and jeans, actually SMILING- really hugely. The door of the taxi opened and a little boy climbed out carefully. Logan smiled even bigger and squatted down to meet the boy in a huge hug, melting my heart. Was that his brother?

A woman came out of the taxi and it left. The lady said something to Logan and he looked up and talked back, standing and picking the kid up. He turned his head to the kid and the kid gave him a sloppy kiss right on the mouth.

"CAAARLOS?" James sang, snapping me out of my daze. He had obviously been trying to get my attention but wasn't succeeding, and now he was tracing my gaze.

"What were you looking at?" he asked. I looked over to see that the people were gone.

"Nothing."

* * *

James and I were working that afternoon, collecting carts once again.

"How far are you from getting the car?" James asked.

"Only a few hundred dollars," I said proudly. I had almost saved enough money to buy my brother's car from him and I was excited. "I'd say I'll have it by summer."

"Badass," James beamed. "I can use it, right?"

"Duh. But you're buying your own gas."

James nodded excitedly. My new car wasn't anything special- it was just an older model car in that silvery-gold color.

He opened his mouth to say something, but stopped, cocking his head.

"Your boy toy is coming!" he said excitedly, turning to look around. I laughed, hearing the rumbling of Logan's motorcycle nearing. He was the only person around here that I knew of that owned and rode a motorcycle. "I'll leave you two alone."

James hurried away with the few carts we already had and sure enough Logan pulled into the grocery store parking lot. I smiled a little, heart melting, when I saw a little kid sitting on the bike in front of him, wearing a big helmet.

Logan smiled when he spotted me and neared, making my heart flutter. I wanted to smooth down my hair, check my breath, you know all that, but didn't.

He parked in a nearby spot and I watched as he helped the kid off of the bike and out of the helmet. Logan motioned for me to come over and I did.

The kid held Logan's hand as I neared. They looked a lot alike- they both had the same colored hair and eyes, except the kid was a bit tanner- probably because he lived in California. He seemed to withdraw behind Logan's leg a little, but Logan welcomed me with a cool smile.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," Logan smiled. "Al, say hi."

The kid peeked out from behind his brother and waved a little, making me wave back.

"Carlos, this is my little brother- Alex. He's staying her for a few days. Alex, this is my friend, Carlos," Logan said.

"Is he good or bad?" Alex asked.

"He's very good."

The kid came from behind Logan's leg and looked up at me. I realized that his and Logan's eyes weren't all that different. Of course they were the same color, but they both held such sincerity, a bit of friendliness, and a lot of "I'll kick your ass".

"I see you let HIM wear a helmet," I teased.

"Well how about we go for another ride soon and you can wear it, too," Logan winked, making me blush a little. "But of course he wears it- he's just a baby."

"I'm not a baby!" Alex argued with sass.

"You ARE."

"Am NOT! I'll beat you up!"

I laughed, surprised, and Logan smirked and rolled his eyes. He made a sudden movement and bent to shake his fist at the kid, and Alex didn't even flinch- only did the same.

I loved to watch Logan with Alex. It wasn't everyday that you saw such a "tough" guy go all soft for a kid. Even I hadn't seen that side of him.

"What're you guys doing here? Did you come to see me?" I teased as Logan straightened up.

"We're getting ice cream and candy," Alex said simply.

"I spoil him," Logan admitted.

"Come ON, Logie," Alex said irritably, starting to pull Logan toward the store.

"Logie, eh?" I giggled.

"Mom calls me that, too," Logan laughed.

"Stop TALKING!" Alex demanded.

"I guess I have to go," Logan said apologetically. "But hey- we're gonna go to the movies tonight. If you wanna come along."

"I get off at 6," I said.

"So… We'll catch a 7 o'clock?"

"Yeah," I beamed. I knew it wasn't a DATE. His little brother would be there! But I was still excited to spend time with Logan.

* * *

By the time I sat in the seat beside Logan in the movie theater, I had remembered the whole "arrested four times" thing and was itching to talk about it. I didn't know if it was something he wanted Alex to hear about, so I wasn't sure when to ask. I definitely needed to know- it was a big thing to talk about if you are about to get romantically involved with someone.

WERE we "about to get romantically involved"? What did that even mean?

We were at the top row, Alex on Logan's other side, facing us. There was quite a while before the movie started, but we had to get there early to sit up top, like Alex wanted.

"Logie, do it," Alex said excitedly, sitting on his little knees.

"Do what?" Logan obviously knew what Alex meant.

"THE THING! Do the thing with the ball!"

Logan smirked mischievously and leaned forward to dig in his leather jacket pocket. He retrieved a little red bouncy ball, about the size of a ping-pong ball.

"Just a regular ball," he said casually, holding it up.

"Do it!" Alex beamed. Logan looked over at me and I nodded, interested in what was going to happen.

Logan then closed his hand around the ball and opened it again, revealing that the ball was gone. He looked over at me proudly as Alex inspected his hand with interest.

"Where did it go?" Alex asked.

"I dunno, stinker, check your jacket pocket," Logan said smoothly, tearing his eyes from me. I was amazed when Alex pulled it out and excitedly asked his brother to do it again. Okay, magic really shouldn't confuse me so much, since I'm almost a legal adult, but how did he do that?

"How-?" I began, beyond confused.

"A magician-" Logan began, but I rolled my eyes and finished the sentence with him.

"Never reveals his secrets. I know, I know. You do magic?" I smirked. "You don't seem the type."

"Stick around, sweetheart, I'm full of surprises."

Alex yawned and rubbed his eyes, the red ball in his hand.

"You better not fall asleep during the movie," Logan said to him, taking the ball and putting it back in his pocket.

"I won't!" Alex mumbled. I could tell he was just full of attitude- especially toward his older brother. He was a handful- the type of kid that was adorable, but could run for DAYS.

"I know you're tired," Logan sang.

"I taked a nap!" Alex said angrily. "I won't sleep."

Logan smirked and rolled his eyes at me.

"He's so sassy," he said. "I don't know why I love the little booger."

"Because he's exactly like you?" I suggested smartly. Logan's face turned angry, setting off alarms in me.

"I'm NOT sassy! YOU'RE sassy!" he said in mock anger before smiling good-naturedly. He then turned to Alex and poked him. "Al, tell Carlos who you wanna be like when you're older."

"Like YOU," Alex said, swatting his brother's hand away. "Asshole."

I burst into laughter, Logan laughing, too.

"Don't say that in front of Mom," he said to Alex. I thought it was sweet that Alex wanted to be like Logan, but I knew it wasn't a good goal to have. Four arrests, remember?

Soon the movie started and Logan took his phone back. Alex took his shoes off and curled up in the seat- I wished I was small enough to do that, it looked comfortable. There weren't a lot of people in the theater, since it was a weekday.

"Thanks for coming," Logan whispered to me casually, putting an arm over the back of my seat. "I'd be bored outta my mind if you didn't."

"You don't like Disney movies?" I smirked.

"Do I LOOK like I like Disney movies?"

I laughed a little and shrugged.

"SH!" Alex hissed. "I'm watching!"

"Well if you don't watch, it's a waste of 9 dollars," I pointed out quietly to Logan.

"Not really. Cause I get to hang out with you, right?"

"Why do you like hanging with me?" I asked. I couldn't imagine anyone going out of their ways to just be with Carlos.

"I dunno. I like messing with you, I think. And maybe you're insanely cute when you're embarrassed. Like right now."

I laughed a little, looking away, knowing I was blushing yet again.

"I'm never like this with anyone. Like, talkative and loose. I guess that's a reason why I like being with you, too," Logan said. "Now I just have to get you to loosen up."

"Good luck with that. Even as we speak I'm worried someone'll see me and tell my dad that I'm with you."

I realized my mistake when Logan's face got confused.

"Why would he care?" he asked. When I was silent, he took his arm from the back of my chair and crossed his arms. "I'm so glad that people judge me so harshly that they don't want their kids even being friends with me."

"I'm not listening to him," I offered.

"Which is killing you, isn't it? You don't have to hang out with me for charity, Carlos. Think about yourself once in a while."

"But I like you," I said, like it was something he already knew. He looked over at me, seemingly beaming. I loved how he seemed to get excited about little things.

"You do?" he asked.

"Maybe," I mumbled, embarrassed.

"SHHH! SHUT UP!" Alex hissed.

"Hey! You shut up!" Logan snapped.

Alex huffed and got up, going to sit another seat over and curling up again. Logan giggled and turned to me, his black eyes reflecting the movie screen.

"You don't make a lot of moves, do you?" Logan asked quietly.

"James told me not to."

"Why?"

"I dunno. He insists he's the romance king."

Logan laughed at this- a real laugh that showed his dimples and wrinkled his eyes.

"No, that's me," he laughed. "Who else could just kiss a boy in the movies and get away with it?"

"Can YOU?"

My heart thundered in my throat as Logan's eyes dropped to my lips. I remembered what James said- lip-watching is a tell-tale sign of sexual interest.

"Can I?" he asked gently.

Like an idiot, a lovestruck idiot, I just gave a sort of whimper-hum "Mm-hm".

I jumped when his cold fingers touched the bottom of my chin and he tilted it up.

"Are you nervous?" he asked, breath warm on my face.

"Yeah," I said, barely even a whisper. He smiled a little and suddenly he was closer, his nose barely touching my cheek.

"Still nervous?" he whispered. No. I was impatient.

I sprang up gently to mash our lips together, my breath catching. I was sure he could feel my heart booming, my lips trembling.

And suddenly it was over with a small suction sound.

"Breathe," he said softly, face still close to mine, hand caressing just above my hip.

"I can't," I whispered pitifully. Logan smirked before pressing our lips together again- another swift one. But I wanted MORE than that.

I got a quick breath in before my hands shot up to pull his face to mine again. James told me NEVER to do that- that it was forced love- but what did HE know? I WAS kissing the romance king, after all.

I had never taken charge like this before, and I could tell that Logan liked it. He liked the way I nibbled down on his lip ring to pull on it a little before reinitiating. I think he mostly liked it because it reassured him. It showed him that I felt the same way for him, and that I was hungry. He tasted like sweets and cigarette smoke. I didn't know how much he smoked, but I think I had only seen it twice, and the taste wasn't too strong.

After a while of… Well… Making out… Logan's hand landed on my upper-thigh and squeezed a little. The surge of lust through my chest forced me away from him and I was suddenly standing. I had never felt that feeling explode in my chest… And pants… Before and it made me want to throw up.

My heart was basically humming now, brain scrambled. Logan looked up at me and grinned, running a thumb across his lower lip seductively. Damn that was hot.

He knew what he was doing.

He was no stranger to seduction, no stranger to sex and reeling in any guy or girl he wants.

He was no stranger to do whatever he pleased.

Which reminded me…

"Can we talk about something?" I asked, sitting down slowly, cooling down gradually.

"We just made out- I think you shoulda told me this BEFORE that," he said, putting his arm over the back of my seat again. I knew he thought I was going to tell him I hated him or that I didn't want him back.

"No- it's not that," I assured.

"Okay," Logan said gently. A whole new level of eye contact was evident between us- like when he looked at me I had all of his attention. "What's going on?"

"My dad's a cop," I started, turning my body to face him, feeling my shoulder touch his arm on my seat and liking the subtle contact. "And… He looked you up."

Logan sighed, taking his arm away and twisting his lips, knowing what was coming.

"What were you arrested for?" I asked seriously.

"I don't want you to look at me different. I thought we were doing really well…"

"We are… That's why I need to know."

"But in my head I was planning to tell you like, if you ever fell in love with me. So that it would be hard to just walk out on me."

I looked at him seriously and he took a deep breath, looking over at Alex a few seats down. Alex was curled up in the chair, completely absorbed in the movie, which we didn't even know the title of. I liked that Logan was open about insinuating that he wanted us to be in love with me- not many people would do that.

"I really like you, and I don't want this to be a deciding factor for you. I've changed," Logan said softly.

"So it doesn't matter what you did."

He looked over at me, seeing that I was serious, and sighed.

"You won't like it," he said.

"Please?"

"When I was 15, I was caught at a party drinking," Logan said slowly.

"That's not bad."

"I wasn't DRUNK, I was just drinking."

"Okay."

"I was let go for that- my parents weren't happy."

"Logan. C'mon. What else?" I urged.

"Then when I was 15 again, I got into a fight at school and they found a knife on me, which I didn't use. I went to juvie for that, even though they only found the knife when they were pulling me off the kid."

"Okay."

"Then when I was 16 I was caught drunk roaming the neighborhood, and I apparently said some really bad stuff to the cops and tried to fight them. I went to juvie for a little bit on that."

"What else?"I didn't think that the other three things were too horrible- they were crimes that I could live with knowing. Teenagers drink all the time- even I- goody-two-shoes-son-of-a-cop Carlos- has had a few drinks before. And the knife thing isn't anything huge, either. I was more concerned about him fighting with another kid.

"Nothing else," Logan said quickly. "Only three times."

"Logan. It can't be that bad. The last ones weren't."

"But I know it'll scare you a lot."

I was prepared to let it go. If he was so sure it would scare me and make me not want to see him anymore, maybe it's best left unsaid.

"I beat up my boyfriend," he said, staring at the seat in front of him.

Okay, Carlos. Keep calm and let him finish.

"My dad had just died and my mom was sick. I found out that I was moving away from Alex and my boyfriend and everything I knew. So me and Matt- my boyfriend- we got wasted together. I don't remember what happened, but apparently I beat the living snot out of Matt and put him in the hospital. The cops came and arrested me. I was charged as an adult- was just a few weeks away from 18- and spent a few nights in jail. If he had died- if I wasn't stopped- I'd be in prison for life."

I was silent and he took a deep breath before looking over at me.

"I haven't talked to him since," he said.

I slumped into my seat, facing forward, seeing the movie on the screen but not watching.

"So… I guess that makes you want to not be involved with me anymore," he said. "I knew this would happen. Who wants to even get close to dating a guy that beat his ex? But I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since. I swear."

I couldn't respond. I didn't know how. Maybe I should have asked about this before we made out and I decided then and there that I wanted every god-damn inch of him.

I knew he SAID that he was sober now… But alcohol was obviously a big problem in his life previously. What happens if he and I DO start dating and we go to a party and have some drinks? Can I trust him to keep me safe from others and himself?

I faintly heard Alex come up to Logan.

"I have to pee," he said quietly.

"I'm gonna go take him to the bathroom," Logan said to me. I didn't look up as they left.

I never thought I would be the type to leave in the middle of a date, but that's what I did. Logan left for the bathroom and I bailed.

* * *

"What's the big deal?" Kendall asked, confused, after I told he and James the whole story at Kendall's house. "He said he was DRUNK and that he hasn't drank since. So that means he wouldn't do that to you."

"It's just the fact that he did it," James argued for me. "It shows that maybe to him, boyfriends aren't something awesome to give hugs to. They're like an OBJECT- a DISPOSABLE object."

"Exactly," I said. "And I know that he doesn't think that way sober, but when someone's drunk, inner tendencies come out."

"And obviously he's violent, if he was arrested for being in a fight," James pointed out. "I dunno if I wanna risk our Carlos to someone like that."

"Know what I think?" Kendall asked simply.

"What?"

"I think Carlos is afraid and needs an excuse not to date him."

"What? No way," I argued.

"You're scared of what people will think, and you don't want them to know. Hell, I didn't even know until a few days ago! You don't know what it's gonna be like dating a guy and you're scared."

"That's bullshit," I spat.

"Yeah. I'M not afraid of him dating Logan. I'm AFRAID of Logan getting mad one day and taking it out on sweet little Carlitos," James added.

"James! YOU'VE been in fights before!" Kendall argued. "You've beat the shit out of ME. Does that mean that Lucy should be afraid to date you?"

"Lucy'd kick my ass if I tried to hurt her," James grumbled.

"Does that mean Los and I should be afraid of you?"

"Noooo."

"Look. I'm no expert on guys, but I AM one, and I know that Logan made a mistake. AND he was drunk. AND he's really sweet to you, Los, and could you imagine him trying to hurt you?"

"It's not so much that," I sighed.

"Then what?" James groaned, head toppling over into Kendall's lap sleepily.

"It's just the fact that he almost killed a guy he LOVED," I said. "Drunk or not, it's not okay. And I can't date someone that's so violent. I don't want him to beat up a guy for getting my order wrong at a restaurant or something stupid like that."

"Then talk to him about it," Kendall said simply. Wow. There's a thought that never dawned on me.

"I know! I just… What if I just happened to be the first boy to show any interest in him lately, so he figured he should settle in case nobody else comes along? I can't imagine him actually liking me, you know?"

"TRUST ME, Los. He likes you."

"Yeah. You just need to sit down and TALK to him about this," Kendall said simply. I noticed his fingers stuck in James' hair casually.

"Yeah. If you talk to him about it, you'll know for sure. And he'll know how you feel and maybe he'll know what to do," James agreed.

* * *

**Awe. :D I mean, not the conversation after the making out, but the making out itself. :D And I threw some Kames in there, too, just for you! ;) **


	7. Shout It From The Rooftops

I sat out on the porch a few days later at sunset, just thinking.

I heard the familiar rumbling of the shiny black motorcycle that belonged to the house at the end of the road. My eyes rose to see Logan and Alex riding slowly down the road. Logan's eyes caught mine hopefully and he smiled a little, but I quickly looked away, not even showing him that I saw him.

Ignoring isn't really my strong suit, and neither is being rude. I hadn't talked to Logan since our "date", and that was the day before yesterday.

I guess he knew that I was avoiding him- he only texted me a few times to see why I left him- he was really mad about that- but later he sent me a few messages like "I know you're there, and if you just talk to me I won't be mad".

James and Kendall were mad at me for avoiding Logan. I was mad at myself for being so rude. But I didn't know what to say to Logan, because I really sort of didn't want to say anything.

* * *

The next afternoon after work, I decided I should go to see Logan and talk to him. I didn't know what to say or what I wanted, but I figured I couldn't just IGNORE him. I at least owed him an explanation.

Logan answered the door and stared at me accusingly.

"I know. I'm sorry," I said softly. "Can we go for a walk?"

He searched my eyes for a minute before stepping out and closing the door. We started down the sidewalk slowly.

"Where did you go?" he asked angrily. I knew he was talking about the movies. "I've been stood up before, and I've had girls leave before, but never in my life have I had such a sweet person dis me like that."

I stopped walking and waited for him to do the same and face me.

"You said you wouldn't be mad," I said.

"Yeah, a day ago!"

"Don't yell at me."

"I'll yell if I wanna yell!"

I crossed my arms and started walking again quickly.

"I'm not listening if you're yelling," I said as he caught up to me. That's how I knew he wanted to make up- he came after me. If he wanted nothing to do with me, he would have left me alone. I know because that's exactly what I did.

"Just tell me why you left," Logan said simply.

"I left because you told me that you almost killed your last boyfriend and maybe I wasn't sure if I wanted to be with someone who did that," I retorted.

"For God's SAKE, Carlos!"

"You're yelling."

"Well you're frustrating!"

"I'M frustrating?" I stopped again and he reeled to face me. "Are you KIDDING me?"

"Yes! You are! Carlos, we MADE OUT. And now you hate me- you're abandoning me- because of some stupid thing in my past that'll never happen again."

"It's a big deal."

"No it's not. Look. Matt was a tiny guy- smaller than me. Believe it or not, YES, I know I'm small! He was tiny and weak and was totally against violence. If he fought back, I would have stopped. And he was hurt really bad, but he was ALSO really small and weak. So this means nothing! I know that if I tried that with you, James or Kendall would spontaneously come out of the bushes and slit my throat or something."

I stood there, listening, arms crossed.

"Besides that, I was drunk at the time. I drank a LOT in the past, and I shouldn't have. The fact that I completely stopped drinking after this happens HAS to tell you how bad it affected me! The considering that I'm hounding after YOU- a son of a cop- should tell you how different I am now."

I twisted my lips, knowing that everything he said made sense. Being a man, though, I couldn't just admit he was right and move on. I had a little too much pride.

"This is why I didn't want to tell you," Logan said, softer now. "I thought about making something up, but I couldn't lie to you. That's my past. I was a drunk and at the end, an abusive boyfriend. But this is the present and you know I'm different."

I looked up into his dark eyes, seeing that he didn't care about pride. He cared about trying to make things right between us. He really snapped everything into perspective for me. He was right- this wasn't a big deal. And now I felt like crap.

"I sent him an email a while ago, apologizing and telling him that I changed and everything. I never got a reply," Logan said. "He wasn't much to get over, but I couldn't just forget about what I did to him."

"I'm sorry, okay?" I sighed. "I'm sorry I left you in the movies, and I'm sorry I avoided you all this time. I feel really bad about it all."

Logan bit his lip ring and nodded a little, almost like a kicked puppy.

"Were you afraid of me?" Logan asked.

"Just of what you can do."

"Carlos, look," he said softly, and I looked up at him. "I'll never lay a finger on you. Not one that isn't caressing you or holding you or playing with you. That came out REALLY creepy, but you get it."

My lips parted in shock. Wow. That was deep. Yeah, it woulda been creepy if it were anyone else but him, but he made everything sound so chivalrous and romantic.

"I still like you. A lot. And I'm not saying we have to BE together, but just don't leave me alone again. I can't open up to anyone else. I can't trust anyone else."

"Do you forgive me?" I asked softly.

"There's nothing to forgive," he answered.

"Does Alex forgive me?"

Logan laughed and rolled his eyes.

"Alex doesn't give a shit about anything," he giggled. "He's a mini badass. He just took your seat and cuddled up to me and fell asleep, just like I told him not to."

"Of course," I laughed. Logan smirked and stared at me for a second, obviously thinking.

"Do you wanna go for a ride somewhere?" he asked.

I hesitated, knowing that I shouldn't. However, I knew that Logan had a helmet he would let me wear, and maybe riding his bike was a lot of fun the last time.

"Let's go run wild," Logan pleaded. "Please?"

I smiled a little and reached out for his hand, which he snatched and immediately started running toward his house, making me laugh and struggle to keep up.

* * *

I decided against wearing the helmet after all. I trusted Logan- he told me he would keep me safe, and I believed him.

It was less awkward this time- I was able to sit closer behind him and hold onto him and lay my cheek on his back without even thinking.

I was afraid of someone I knew seeing me on the bike and telling my dad, so I kept my sunglasses on. Believe it or not, Logan put some black aviators on, too, and he looked unbelievably sexy in them.

After a while of riding around town, we stopped at a stop light.

"You okay back there?" Logan asked me over his shoulder.

"I'm great," I called over the noise of the motorcycle. He smiled and nodded as we jerked back into motion.

Soon we parked in an ally, which I was apprehensive about.

"Don't worry," Logan said softly as we unboarded the bike. "I wouldn't leave my bike somewhere I thought was unsafe. And I certainly wouldn't bring YOU somewhere like that."

I smiled a little, remembering that Logan would keep me safe. He turned and started walking, me following, until he reached a dumpster. He immediately started climbing atop it.

"Logan!" I hissed. He turned and smiled, reaching out a hand for me. "I'm not getting up there."

"Please? I have a great idea."

I crossed my arms and shook my head. He shrugged and turned to the building, where a ladder was bolted to it.

"LOGAN!"

"Carlos! Come with me, or you'll be here alone."

I looked around, goosebumps pricking my skin. I knew that he was right- he wouldn't leave his bike somewhere that he thought it would be messed with, but homeless people lived in alleys. I'm not trying to sound mean or anything, but I hear they can mug you for money and stuff.

"I'll keep you safe," Logan said softly.

I reluctantly climbed atop the dumpster with him and he ordered me to climb the ladder to the top.

"Um… That's like 15 feet," I said nervously.

"Probably more. It's okay- I'm right behind you."

I took a deep breath and he boosted me up so my feet could latch onto the first rung.

"This is stupid," I said.

"But it'll be fun. You'll see."

We climbed the ladder, me warning him about slippery spots or broken rungs on the way and him reassuring me and telling me not to look down. I thought that if I looked down, by grip would loosen and I would fall. Finally I hit the top of the small building and thankfully pulled myself up. Logan soon came up after me.

"How're we gonna get back down?" I asked.

"Same way we came up."

"No way!"

"Don't worry about it- c'mon."

I followed Logan to the edge of the building, looking out over the dimming town.

"I'm sorry I made you do something you didn't want to do," Logan said to me. "But sometimes you have to do things you're afraid of, so you can LIVE."

"It's okay," I smiled a little. "It is kinda cool up here."

I looked out over the town, where buildings didn't come much higher than the one we were on, which wasn't very high at all, and the sun was setting. Some kids played in the street a little ahead and there were a few walkers out.

Logan smiled and went further to the edge of the building, sitting down without hesitation and dangling his feet.

"Logan!" I hissed, images of Logan somehow falling over the edge invading my mind.

"C'mon, Carlos. Let's talk."

"No way. I'll stay here."

"If you fall, I'll pull you back up."

"Yeah right."

Logan winked over his shoulder and reached for me. I timidly went to him and looked over the edge. We were definitely not on the Empire State Building- only about thirty feet up-but it was still scary.

"It's not bad," Logan said. I sighed and slowly sat beside him, letting my feet down carefully. I smiled a little, looking down, realizing that it was pretty cool to sit on the edge of a building. It wasn't everyday that I faced a fear, and I had to say that it felt great.

"See? Sometimes living on the edge- LITERALLY- is fun," Logan said, softly.

"I've never done something like this before."

My mind flashed back to when James was telling me that I needed someone to push me to do things that I would never do otherwise. Like this.

I glanced over to Logan to find that he was already looking at me.

"Sorry… I just… It'll take a minute for me to stop being googly-eyes over you," Logan said bashfully.

"No one's ever been GOOGLY eyes for me," I laughed.

"I don't see why not. You're gorgeous."

I blushed and looked down over the edge of the building again.

"And adorable."

"Well I think you're pretty astonishing, too," I said timidly.

"You say that like I'll be mad."

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Logan groaned. "I'm Logan. You don't have to be POLITE to me."

"But I'm Carlos. And I'm always like this."

"Touché."

We stared at one another for a second before he smiled bashfully and dropped his eyes to the sidewalk below us. I loved that big bad Logan was sheepish sometimes.

"Do you miss California?" I asked.

"Sometimes. But I mainly just miss Alex, and now I have him back for a few days," Logan said, reaching into his jacket pocket for a carton of cigarettes.

"You're cute around him." I watched as Logan lit a half-smoked cigarette and took a long drag, cooly letting the smoke out through his nose. I'm not gonna say the smoking really bothered me too much. He didn't do it a lot, and obviously when he did he only smoked half. Other than the slight taste and smell of smoke, I didn't think it was a big deal. Would I prefer he quit? Of course. But that's not my choice.

"Well, he's mini-me. Almost exactly," Logan laughed. "He acts like tough-stuff, but at the end of the day he just wants to be loved."

I smiled a little, not missing the hint of Logan opening up to me, telling me that he's not as tough as he leads on to be. Although I already knew that.

"How does your mom like having two little shits around the house?" I teased.

"We're okay around her. She doesn't like it when my aunt calls and says that Alex got in trouble at school."

"How was it between you and your family when you used to drink?"

Logan hummed and twisted his lips in thought, eyes on the sunset as he took another drag of his cigarette.

"At one point I got kicked out," he said, smoke exiting with his words. "Because I was a filthy drunk. But then I came back and I was sober for a while, when my dad came home for Christmas. I respected my dad like crazy and I knew that if he saw that I hadn't straightened up, there would be consequences. My mom was afraid of me sometimes and she would keep Alex away. Of course no matter what, I was Alex's hero and he loved me to death even when I was drunk and yelled at him. He was really little then, so he didn't understand."

I was silent and he looked at me.

"Then Dad died," Logan said. "And Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, and the thing with Matt happened and I stopped. Actually, by then I had slowed down a lot to just drinking once or twice a week. But then my life turned to shit and I stopped. I had to be the man of the house, I had to take care of my mom. So that's my life."

"That's… Terrible," I said, shaking my head. "Nobody should go through that."

"It was my choice."

"I know… But I meant the whole thing with your family."

"Yeah. Sometimes I get afraid that we'll lose Mom, too. That's why we moved here- they have a dope cancer center here and she's getting better."

"Good. How's Alex with all this?"

"He doesn't really understand," Logan shrugged. "There's an insane age difference between us, obviously, and he never really knew our dad. He doesn't understand Mom's disease. All he understands is that I'm not with him anymore and he misses me. I talk to him over the phone a lot, but that's all."

I nodded and started shifting kicking my feet against the building, feeling so ALIVE by being up here against the rules and against my fears.

"Did you want some?" Logan asked, like it was a formality to offer a drag of your cigarette to a friend. I stared down at the mere butt, thinking _What if I did? _ But before I could answer, Logan laughed a little. "No. You're not getting any. Never ever. Don't start this shit."

"Why did you?"

"Because I thought it made me look cool. Which I guess it does," Logan said, grinding the butt out and flicking it over the edge of the building. "I try to do it minimally, though, and never around Mom or Alex. Does it bother you?"

"Not really," I shrugged.

"Are you lying?"

"I mean, it would be best if you quit, but I'm not gonna tell you to," I said. Logan smiled a little at that and nodded.

"Well, maybe I should quit while my lungs are still pink and I can still talk like a normal person," he said to himself.

"Probably." Logan smiled over at me before looking out over the town again.

"So tell me about Carlos. I don't even know your last name," he said.

"It's Garcia," I laughed. "What do you wanna know?"

"Like… I dunno."

"I have no story compared to you."

"Well… Your parents are divorced. What about that?" Logan suggested. "Wait- I'm sorry- is your mom dead?"

"No," I laughed. "No, she lives in Florida. I don't see her a lot, but I miss her. I have three older brothers- all moved out and in their twenties. Um… I dunno, Papi and-"

"Papi?"

"My dad."

"Oh, that's adorable. Papi. Okay, sorry."

"ANYWAY," I laughed. "He somehow married Brooke, even though she's a witch, and we moved in with her and James when I was in middle school. We kinda became best friends and him and Kendall have been best friend since they were kids, so I got Kendall, too."

"Why do you hate Brooke?"

"Well, she's my stepmom, so that's part of it. She's totally wrong for Papi- it's stupid. She's a crazy germaphobic and makes us wash our hands when we come in and makes our friends change their clothes if they come over. It's insane. But my dad's not much better- he's all about safety. You know, wearing pads and a helmet when you skateboard and looking both ways THREE times before crossing the road. I was in a booster seat in the car until I was twelve. So… It's sort of like prison at home."

"Man… That sucks."

"I didn't care so much about it till I met you," I smirked. "Until I wanted a taste of the rebel side."

"You can taste me anytime," Logan said casually.

"Not what I meant, but okay."

"So… You hate breaking the rules. Obviously."

"Well, yeah. You love breaking the rules. Obviously," I mocked.

"I love it," Logan grinned. He got up and helped me up before standing on the edge. This I wasn't so comfortable with, so I stood back a foot.

Logan took a deep breath, looking over the town, almost empty.

"I HATE THAT EVERYONE HATES ME!" he yelled at the top of his lungs, making me jump. After that, he took another deep breath and let it out with a little smile. "Now you try."

"No way. You're CRAZY."

"That's been established, sweetheart," Logan sang. Is it bad that him calling me that all the time kind of made me happy? I don't think that it meant anything to him. "C'mon. It makes things feel better."

"No."

"I HATE THAT CARLOS WON'T DO FUN THINGS WITH ME!" Logan yelled.

"GOOD FOR YOU, ASSHOLE!" some pedestrian yelled and Logan held up two high-and-mighty middle fingers to the world.

"Can we go?" I pleaded.

"Not until you try."

"No!"

"Come ON, Carlos! Break out! Get a little loud! SHOUT IT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!" Logan yelled the last part. "Tell the world what you hate."

I crossed my arms and shook my head.

"I HATE THAT CARLOS IS SO AFRAID OF EVERYTHING!" Logan yelled to the world.

"I hate that you're making me do things I'm afraid of," I growled.

"WHAT? I didn't hear you."

"I'm not yelling it."

"SCREAM IT!" Logan sang.

"I HATE THAT YOU MAKE ME DO THINGS I'M AFRAID OF!" I screamed at him. Suddenly a weight was released from my chest. Logan grinned at me and gestured for me to near the edge.

"What else?" he asked.

"There's too much."

"We've got forever," Logan said smoothly. "I HATE THAT EVERYONE AROUND HERE GIVES ME DIRTY LOOKS!"

"I HATE THAT MY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND RULES!"

"I HATE THAT I LIVE ACROSS THE COUNTRY FROM MY BABY BROTHER!"

"I HATE THAT MY DAD'S MARRIED TO A BITCH!"

"I HATE THAT I ONLY HAVE ONE FRIEND!"

"I HATE THAT MY DAD DISAPPROVES OF WHO I HANG OUT WITH!"

Logan didn't say anything, and I was glad because I was out of things I hated. I stood there, breathing heavily and laughing a little, not believing what I just did but feeling so lighthearted and FREE.

"Do you feel better?" Logan asked from behind me. I turned, realizing I was on the edge of the building now.

"I feel so… ALIVE," I said, breathless. Logan smiled a little and his arms were around my waist, making me feel unstable and stable at the same time. "I feel like I need to laugh and cry and break something all at once."

"Do you like it?"

I grinned and nodded.

"Can I get away from this ledge now?" I asked. I knew he wouldn't, but call it instinct to automatically assume that Logan would shove me over the edge.

"Why?" Logan asked, stepping closer so our bodies were together. "Don't you trust me?"

My breath caught and suddenly his lips were on mine. I forgot about the huge drop just behind me and focused on the strong arms around me and warm lips on mine.

Once again, he broke it to be just a short one and looked up at me with the most gentle eyes.

"I had fun," I said softly.

"Me, too," Logan smiled. "I like you more than I should."

"Is that bad?"

"It is if you want nothing to do with me."

"Would I let you kiss me if I wanted nothing to do with you?"

"Well you didn't have much of a choice. It was kiss me or jump over the ledge. Are you scared right now?"

I paused, thinking. I didn't have that nagging in my stomach- I felt SAFE.

"No."

Logan smiled a little and backed up, bringing me away from the edge.

"I should get you home," he said.

"Everyone's probably wondering where the hell I went," I agreed.

"What are you gonna tell them?"

"I'll tell James the truth, he'll fangirl a little, and I'll tell Papi and Brooke that I was working or something."

"What would they say if they knew you were gay?"

"Papi would accept it and Brooke would have no choice. Unless they knew that I was with YOU. In which case… I don't know what would happen."

"But… They would know at some point, right? If we were together?"

I looked doubtfully at him and he nodded sadly.

"It's not you… It's what they THINK of you," I said.

"It's cool… I'm used to it…"

"I'm not even 18 yet… They can make me do anything."

"I get it," Logan snapped. I cocked a brow at him- he should know by our previous conversation in our neighborhood that I don't like to be yelled at, even if he wasn't yelling at me. "Sorry."

"Does your mom know about you?"

"She knows about Matt, but only because of what happened. She would be thrilled if we got together- she'd be happy that I had someone to tell me not to do stuff, even if I didn't listen."

We were hinting around "Are we dating or not?" and we both knew it. The fact of the matter is, I didn't know what to tell him.

Logan's eyes dropped to my lips and I bit my bottom one, not BELIEVING that I did so, and he smirked.

"I guess next time it's Empire State?" he asked, eyes one mine again.

"No way. This is too high," I laughed.

"This is nothing, sweetheart. This is an apple tree in your front yard," Logan said smoothly. "Are you glad you came up here?"

I smiled and nodded. I was glad that I dared to come up here, because it was unbelievably romantic and I had taken a lot of risks.

"Good. I used to do this at home, when it all became too much. Particularly around the end. I'd go up on a building and yell at the top of my lungs."

"It felt good," I said. "I didn't know how bad I felt about things until it stopped feeling bad, you know?"

"I know."

* * *

I was careful to keep my face out of sight of my house as we parked in Logan's garage. It was dark in there and the sound of bugs outside and the spring breeze cut through the silence left by the bike.

"Prom's coming up," Logan said as we stood there.

"I'm excited," I beamed. "Are you okay with going with James and Kendall and their dates? Because if not..."

"I… Guess?" Logan almost asked. I knew he could tell it was important to me to share the night with my best friends, even if he wasn't entirely comfortable.

"They like you. At least James does," I assured.

"Who's there dates?"

"Lucy Stone and Jo Taylor?"

"Oooh, Lucy," Logan hissed. "Yeeeah… That's not a good idea."

"Why?" I laughed.

"Weeeell… Lucy's kinda into me, and I dunno how to tell her to fuck off."

Of course. It made sense- they were the same type. Plus James said that Lucy was REALLY into bikers and leather.

"Well I guess going with me is a good way," I laughed. "Maybe I can throw in a few kisses, too. For effect," I added with a wink.

"You can throw in as many as you want," Logan sang.

I opened my mouth to say something, but suddenly the door to the house opened and a small figure stood there.

"Logie! You missed dinner," Alex said angrily. "Me and Mama and Aunt Linda had pizza!"

"Awe, pizza?" Logan groaned. I smirked and rolled my eyes. Alex suddenly caught sight of me and he was stomping at me, angry.

"Hey! Butthead!" he said angrily.

"Aaaaal," Logan warned. It was too late- the kid was already trying to punch me in the "jewels" as James called them. Logan caught his tiny fist and pulled him back. "We don't hit Carlos. He's a good guy."

"I'LL BEAT YOU UP!" Alex said to me angrily.

"Alexander!"

"You leaved us and made Logie cry!"

Logan pulled Alex off of his feet with an arm around his stomach, but I didn't even care if Alex hit me or not. I felt HORRIBLE. Logan CRIED?

Logan basically tossed Alex back into the house and held the door closed.

"Sorry," Logan apologized quickly.

"You cried?" I asked absently.

"Well…"

"I… I feel so horrible."

"I cry all the time," Logan said, like it was no big deal, holding the door closed despite the wiggling of the knob. "It's just not every day that it's in front of Al."

He could see that I was still upset about it and he sighed.

"You weren't supposed to know about that. But hey… I'll tell him you got sick, okay?" Logan offered. "Now he's about to bust this door down, so I need to go…"

"Oh… Yeah…"

"So this is me fumbling with my keys," Logan said, like I was missing something. I gave him a confused look and he rolled his eyes and snatched my hand.

He jerked me to him and pecked my cheek, before letting go and started to go inside.

"Wait!"

Logan stopped and turned and I basically pranced up to peck his cheek right back.

"You missed," Logan said softly before stealing a kiss on my lips and disappearing. The kisses heated my lips and cheek all the way back home, until I entered and suddenly my parents and James were looking at me. Then the kiss burned like fire, pricked my skin, tore at my flesh.

Did I dare wash it away because of that feeling of guilt and pain?

No way.

* * *

**This chapter just made me so happy. :D I loved writing it and I loved coming up with it and editing it. I just love this story! It's one of those stories that everyone reviews and tells me that they love this and love that (by the way, i LOVE long reviews, like, instant orgasm) (just kidding thats weird) (but i do love them) i finish a chapter and post it and immediately start on the next one. I like it. :D I know you guys do, too, and I may or may not have stalked some of your profiles (I did) and saw that a lot of you don't even like Cargan, so THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS! That's awesome! :D I happen to love Cargan. I love gay in general. I wanna be a gay man. What other kinda man is there? ;D**


	8. Prom Night

I couldn't get over how… SEXY… Logan was that night.

He was in his black tuxedo with the dark grey tie and vest, his hair made up like usual except a lot neater and less wind-blown. He smelled like heaven, with a different kind of cologne than usual with a splash of aftershave. His teeth and eyes, like usual, were sparkling and his skin flawless, a formal silver ring in the hole in his lower lip. I sort of felt ugly around him, plus James looked like a god and even Kendall was looking even better than usual.

It wasn't too hard to go to prom with Logan. Kendall had picked him up in his car and brought him to his house, so that we could all get REAL pictures taken with our dates, versus the ones Brooke took where I was alone.

Logan didn't smile or talk much at dinner. I know that if it was just me and him, he would be more chattery and jokey, but not around them. I kept catching Lucy staring at him, but could I blame her?

"So, like, are you guys…" Jo said from across the table, eyes darting between Logan and I.

"Yes!" James said happily for us, at the same time that Logan said "Sure" and I said "No". All eyes turned to us and Logan's eyes dropped accusingly back to the menu.

"They're totally in love," James said.

"Shut up! You don't even know!" Logan growled across me.

"Oh, come ON!" James agrued.

"Guys!" I interrupted angrily. Logan had a habit of bickering with EVERYONE, and he shouldn't do that with James- James was being nice. Logan looked at me and I gave him a stern look.

I wanted to give Jo a clear answer, but didn't know what to tell her, so I dropped it.

Logan was tense from then on, not saying anything since everything he wanted to say was rude. I leaned over to his ear, facing away from the table.

"Please try to have fun," I murmured.

"I'm having a blast," Logan said flatly. "It's fun to be unwanted."

"I want you," I said, pulling back to look at him.

"Damn right," James smirked from my other side, making me elbow him.

"If I didn't want you here, I wouldn't have agreed to come with you," I said to Logan. "C'mon- dinner's almost over, then we can be alone."

"Alone in a crowd."

* * *

I was really nervous as we stood in line to get into the prom venue. My stomach was churning and maybe I was shaking a little.

Logan knew what I was nervous about, and he was, too. We were afraid of everyone seeing us together, of everyone knowing we were involved. He was afraid of everyone looking at him differently once they knew.

"Don't worry," Kendall said to us, James and Lucy and Jo behind us, James desperately trying to woo Lucy, Jo looking through her bag for her ticket. "Nobody will even notice. It'll be dark and there'll be flashing lights, and everyone'll be too mixed up in themselves to even look around."

I looked up at Logan to see him gnawing at his lip ring, which he does when he's excited, either good or bad. I wanted to touch him in some way, tell him it would be okay, but I was sort of afraid he would shrug me away with a glance around to make sure nobody saw. Big bad Logan is afraid of rejection.

"Do you have your ticket?" Logan asked me suddenly, turning to me.

"Yeah," I answered, holding up my little movie-ticket-thing. He plucked it from my fingers and combined it with his, giving me a sly little smile. "It's what all the other gentlemen are doing for their dates," he said with mock chivalry, making me laugh. Good. So he wasn't acting like he weren't here together.

FINALLY we got in and immediately the other two couples we were with disappeared.

Kendall was completely right. It was dark with flashing lights everywhere, the music so loud it shook your bones. Everyone was having fun on the dance floor, dancing and talking and laughing, nobody even looked at us.

We started to make our way through the crowd, getting pushed around, and I reached over to weave my fingers with Logan's to keep from losing him. He seemed to beam at that and I found myself winking before pulling him deeper into the dance floor.

I found us a tiny spot and he stopped, looking around skeptically.

"I'm not dancing!" he yelling into my ear over the music. I was already touching his hips, though, dancing to the beat, not really caring how dumb I looked.

"Yes you are!" I called back. He pulled my hands from his hips, but I turned it around on him by weaving our fingers together, palm-to-palm, and continued grooving. Maybe I had no idea how to dance, but who cares? He laughed and shook his head, refusing to move.

After a while of Logan being like a wall, I pouted to him. He smirked and shook his head again, and the song changed. It was a slow song, and a bunch of girls cheered because it was "their jam".

"I'm out," Logan said quickly, turning to leave but of course I pulled him back.

"Logan! I love dancing," I pouted.

"Then let's go find James. He'll dance with you," Logan suggested. I pouted again, pulling him closer and making him groan like I was making him write me an essay or something.

"You made me climb a building and sit on the edge of it, and you won't even DANCE for me?" I asked, pulling his body to mine with my arms around his waist.

"I don't even know where to put my hands," he grumped.

"Just AROUND me. This isn't hard, Logan."

"It is too."

I smiled a little, looking up a little at him. He was only a little taller than me, but he likes to act like he's six foot three. He hesitantly put his arms around me and I grinned at him as we started dancing.

"Dancing is one of the most intimate things you can do with another person," I said to him.

"I'm feeling REAL intimate right now," he said sarcastically. "I don't even know how to do this."

"That's the beauty of dancing. You just do whatever the hell you want to. And I know you're good at that."

"I feel like I'm being castrated," Logan groaned. "Can we stop?"

I pouted out my lower lip and made my eyes big, making him sigh and roll his eyes.

"You know you're cute, don't you?" he said.

"I do," I said happily.

Logan sighed and looked out over the other people, realizing that all the other guys out there were dragged into the same thing and they were all just as humiliated as him. Except, I think he secretly enjoyed it.

"I told you when we first decided to come together that I love to dance. You were warned, so you can't whine."

"I'm not whining," Logan gave in. "It'll just take a minute for me to loosen up."

"Well the song's almost over, so you better make it quick."

He smiled a little and pulled me even closer so that our cheeks were almost touching and I had to look over his shoulder.

"You smell good," he said softly, knowing my ear was right there.

"You do, too."

My hairs pricked up when I felt his head move and his nose brush my neck, inhaling. Normally I didn't wear much cologne if any, and tonight James was sure to spritz me in just the right places, one being my neck.

Logan's warm lips pressed to the skin on my neck so softly and gingerly that I almost wasn't sure he was kissing me. It was strange how such a sweet gesture made me want to shove him against a wall and tear his clothes off with my teeth. Again, he knew what he was doing as he pressed two more soft kisses to different places on my skin, a few painstaking seconds apart.

The sweet moment and soft flute music playing in my head was shattered as the song changed to a quick, upbeat song. My life, which had been in slow motion for about thirty seconds, instantly snapped back into fast forward, breaking my heart. Logan slowly let go of me, and I think he knew I was hypnotized before he even looked at me.

"How do you do that?" I asked.

"Do what?" he asked, although I knew he was playing dumb.

"You get so gentle and sweet and mesmerizing…" I said. "How do you do that?"

"I know what I'm doing," he shrugged with a little smile. "I need to sit down for a sec."

"Me, too," I said. He grinned and took my hand again, towing me through the people.

* * *

Logan stayed back at a table a lot with Lucy, to his dismay, who didn't like dancing, either. It was either go dance with Kendall, James, Jo, and me or stay with Lucy and get hit on. Surprisingly, he chose the latter.

I was having a lot of fun without him, though. Most of the songs played we fast party music. James danced with me and a lot of girls who just sort of showed up around him. Kendall and Jo were just having fun showing each other stupid dance moves. James and Kendall, of course, had their fun slow dancing the few times they played slow music (leaving me with JO) and sometimes even play-grinding on one another during fast songs.

Sometimes I would glance over to check on Logan and see that he was talking to Lucy, or that Lucy was laughing at something he said. Okay, maybe I was a little mad. Logan chose to stay with her over dancing with me, and he seemed to enjoy it a little. AND she was totally flirting with him. Who did she think she was? She was here with my brother and yet she was flirting it up with MY date.

"Why isn't Lucy dancing?" I called to James, who was with me now. He glanced up to where his and my dates were and his face changed.

"She's having too much fun," he muttered.

"I agree."

I followed James over to them and Logan and Lucy stopped mid-laugh when they saw us.

"Heeey, LOGAN," James said. "Whatcha doing?"

Logan glanced up at me, and I didn't want to show him that I was a jealous bitch, so I smiled a little instead.

"Are you kidding me?" Logan growled to James.

"We were just TALKING," Lucy said unconvincingly.

"Well now you're dancing," James said brightly, pulling her up and away. I sat in her place and smiled over at Logan.

"I wasn't-" he began.

"I know," I assured. "James is just kinda territorial. Especially since he's liked Lucy forever and he just now got her to even look at him. He's not mad- he's already forgotten."

Logan smiled thankfully and stood.

"Let's go dance," he said, reaching his hand out for me. I beamed and stood, letting him pull me.

We found a spot and Logan jerked me and pulled my back to his chest, making me giggle. He had obviously loosened up. His hands gripped my hips in a gentle way as he started to sway his hips to the beat, making mine do the same. Wow. I liked THIS. I leaned back into him with my head on his shoulder and his neck bent forward and sideways, his breath hot through his nose on my throat. I had to get over that childish instinct to be ticklish there, because, well, I didn't wanna ruin this.

My hand came up to touch the back of his head, loving the texture of the short hair, and letting it slide.

I gasped, inaudible to him over the music, when his hands slithered from my hips downward, then upward, then down again to latch onto my inner thighs, getting hold of something that I wasn't sure I was okay with him touching, but I don't think he knew he had it.

"Logan," I groaned, lifting my head, almost sexually, and his head lifted. Suddenly his tongue was on my skin, making my heart start to vibrate, licking for just a second before kissing me. I had never had my neck kissed, and now I understand why all the movies show the people doing that- it was REALLY arousing. An unfair advantage, if you will.

His hands rubbed back up to my hips, then back down to their previous position. His perfect teeth nipped down on my skin and tugged a little before he kissed me again.

Okay, this boy was ballsy. He didn't even know where I stood with sex and he was feeling me up, pressing himself against me, licking me and biting me, seducing me. At this point I would be perfectly fine with him stripping me down right here and… Well, you know.

His head moved again and this time his lips appeared against my jaw, then just below my ear, then under my jaw, his lip ring cold at first, then warming. I knew he had to feel my groan through the vibrations, and I felt him smile deviously. His hands pulled me closer against him by my thighs.

My hands darted down to his, fingers sinking between his and starting to pull them upward and in…

The song changed to a slow one, starting with graceful piano. Our hips stopped moving, and I half-snapped out of it, moving my head to press my cheek to his.

"That's not fair," I said softly. Logan smirked and dragged his hands up my legs and hugged my stomach, making me let go of them.

I looked up to see James beaming, Lucy in his arms. We made eye contact and his eyes got even brighter as he gave me a thumbs up. I grinned and pulled from Logan's arms to hurt around so we could slow dance.

"Sorry I wasn't playing fair," Logan said in my ear deviously. I'm sure he said that because he felt the effects of what he had done press against him through my pants.

"I can play dirty, too," I said.

"You drive me nuts anyway."

I turned my nose into his neck and inhaled, the smell of him setting me off.

My hands dropped from around his waist to his ass, squeezing a little and making him jump. I felt my way back up to his back, pulling him closer.

"You better quit that," Logan teased.

"Quit what?" I murmured, nipping at his ear and making him hiss.

"Mmm, Carlos," Logan said, obviously trying to warn me but not succeeding in being firm.

I got close to his ear and hissed air in through my teeth seductively.

"Logan," I whispered in a moan. Why was I doing this? I TOLD him I could play dirty!

My tongue darted out of my mouth to drag against his skin. The bitter taste of cologne hit me first, then a sweet one.

Suddenly Logan's mouth was absolutely attacking my neck, his finger pulling back my collar for more. Every kiss began with an open mouth and quickly shrunk to nothing, and started again in a different place immediately. My legs went weak and he held me up, every kiss coming fast and sending whimpers out of me. I was suddenly really hot- I needed to take my jacket off.

My fingers gripped at him until I found his pants zipper. One of his hands caught both of mine as he stopped kissing, holding my hands between our chests.

"I don't think we can do this here," he said jokingly, but still seductively. I had to hesitate for a second, looking up into his eyes, trying to organize my thoughts again. Trying to remember how to talk.

"You're an assface," I got out, my voice shaking from my pounding heart.

"I dunno- I think it was pretty awesome how you went to seduce ME and I turned it around on you."

I gave him an unamused look and he gave me a simple peck on the lips.

"But you still got me going," he sang. "I swear."

He gave me another peck before the song ended and the DJ started talking over the microphone.

* * *

We were all sleepy on the way home. Logan, me, Kendall, and Jo were in Kendall's car while James was taking Lucy home in our car, and I suspected he had other plans. Hey- he didn't want any more sexy Kendall dreams.

Logan and I were in the back seat, my jacket off and over me like a blanket, head on Logan's shoulder sleepily. I was watching Logan do magic tricks in his lap with his dang ball. He still wouldn't tell me how he did it.

He even made his finger-tattoo or "Alexander" disappear with a few rubs, then reappear with a simple flick of his hand. He wouldn't tell me how he did THAT either.

I thought it was adorable, personally. He's so bad on the outside, but such a sweet little dork on the inside. You would never expect magic tricks from him.

"How do you do the ball thing?" I asked again.

"I'm never gonna tell you. I want you to be amazed by it till we're old."

"You're so sure about us being old together."

"My dad used to tell me that the way you pick up chicks is confidence. Most of the time they're unsure, and if you just make up their minds FOR them, you've got em," Logan said. "I mean, you're not a chick, but I think it's working."

"Smooth," I laughed sleepily.

"But I have to have your opinion on something."

"What?"

"I mean… I know that we kiss and stuff, but that doesn't mean much. And, like, sometimes I think that it doesn't really MATTER- titles and all- but then I think that it does," Logan said quietly, almost nervously. "And, so I decided to just TALK to you about it. And now seems to be the time. You know, after we basically fucked on the dance floor."

"What?" I laughed. "Just say it."

"I don't wanna seem too confident or like I missed something that you got, and I don't want you to feel PRESSURED, I'm just asking."

"Okay?"

"Are me and you, like… Boyfriends?"

I giggled sleepily. I don't think I was all there at that moment, but that's okay.

"If you wanna be," I said.

"Well I do. But I didn't know about YOU."

"I've never had a boyfriend before," I said thoughtfully. "I've barely had a girlfriend. I don't know how this goes. You'll show me the ropes?"

"I always do."

"Cool," I said, nestling into him more. He was silent for a second before talking.

"Is that a yes?" he finally asked.

I hummed a yes, closing my eyes.

I walked him to his door through the garage, so I didn't have to worry about Papi seeing.

"Are you glad you came now?" Logan asked, holding his black jacket over his shoulder, his tie loose around his neck and a few buttons undone.

"Very glad," I nodded. "Thanks for dancing with me. The few times you did."

"It was actually kinda fun. You're like putty in my hands, you know," Logan said slyly. "Maybe we can dance on our building sometime. Then we wouldn't have to stop."

I felt my face heat up and I rolled my eyes at him.

"You know… My mom would never know if I never came in," Logan whispered seductively, in my ear, his body close to mine now.

"Stop doing that!" I whined, shoving him backward playfully. He grinned happily and shook his head.

"I'll see you later," he said, leaning in for a kiss that I met him for.

* * *

**AAAWE. Yay. :) That's all I have to say.**


	9. Drag Races

**So originally in the last chapter I had this part where James had a sexy dream about Kendall and he panicked and asked Carlos what it meant, and Carlos said that it didn't mean anything, but I took it out cause it was kinda random. I THOUGHT that I took out all traces of that part, but damn you guys, you caught that one tiny little part where it said that he had a dream about Kendall, and I'm sure you were really confused. So let's pretend like you didn't read that. Kay? Kay.**

* * *

_I was approaching a bed._

_Logan sat on the bed, shirt off, giving me a seductive smirk. I smiled and hurried to the bed, sitting beside him. He wasted no time in kissing me, and I welcomed it. Somehow I got to a straddling position as we kissed._

_I stopped kissing him and looked over to see fire. I traced the fire in a circle around the bed- we were no longer in a bedroom, but in a field. Logan continued kissing my neck and chest, but I was preoccupied with the fire._

_"CARLOS!" I heard someone yell, and my head snapped to the other side to see Papi outside of the fire ring._

_"Dad?"_

_"Carlitos!" James called, at another point of the circle. I unstraddled Logan and got to my knees on the bed._

_"Hey! Los!" Kendall yelled beside James._

_"Carlos!" Mom called._

_"Carlos!" Brooke called._

_"Carlos!" my brothers called._

_I went to get off of the bed- went to see why everyone was calling me, but Logan caught me around the waist and pulled me back down onto the bed._

_Now everyone on the outside of the ring was yelling, talking, calling to me and I couldn't understand what they were saying. I struggled against Logan, telling him I would be back, but he kept staring accusingly at everyone else._

_"Stay here with me," Logan said, his voice a ghost. "If you leave, I'll be alone forever."_

_I reached a hand out to James, and he did the same, trying to step over the flames. He caught fire then, turning to ash. I screamed and screamed, and Logan held me from behind gently._

_Soon everyone else was trying to get to me and turning to ash, until in the end only one person remained. Papi._

_We stared at one another as Logan kissed my back._

_"You've changed," Papi said._

_"No I haven't! I'm still me!"_

_I jumped as Logan's teeth sunk into my shoulder. I turned around, hand to my shoulder and dripping blood. _

_"You're one of me now, sweetheart," Logan said sweetly. "Now we can be evil together forever."_

_"NO!"_

_I looked over to Papi to find that he was turning to ash._

_"It's only you and me now," Logan said, putting me on my back and kissing my skin. "Forever."_

* * *

I jolted myself awake and bolted upright, taking a gulp of air. Around me, birds sung and the sun shone.

"Carlos?" Logan asked softly, sitting up on our blanket with me. We were lying on the blanket in the grass at the park- that's right. I must have fallen asleep.

I turned to Logan, realizing everything was a dream, and he looked really concerned. He was cute when he cared.

"It was just a dream," he said, smoothing down my hair. Yes, a dream that told me that my boyfriend was turning me evil. A dream that told me that I had changed for the worse and that everyone I loved hated me because of Logan.

He didn't press on about what the dream was about, which I was thankful for. I was falling for Logan over the few weeks we had been together, and my subconscious was afraid that I was turning bad because of it. I hadn't told Papi or Brooke, and I didn't plan on it. His mom knew about us- I had been over a few times.

"Are you good?" he asked.

"Yeah," I breathed, calming down. "Just a freaky dream."

"You're just stressed out about graduation," he assured.

We lay back down, my head on Logan's bicep. It was a pretty spring day, two weeks after prom. Our senior year was wrapping up, and he was right- I was stressed about graduating. About growing up and moving out and being an adult.

"Sorry I dozed off," I said, embarrassed as I looked up at him. "I hope you weren't talking to me."

"I was for a while, then I realized you were unconscious," Logan laughed, telling me that it was okay. "I was almost asleep, too."

"It's a pretty day. Not too hot, nice breeze, not too many kids," I said. "Perfect cloud-watching day."

"It's better than I imagined," he admitted. "I'm kinda glad we did this."

"See, this is what's so good about opposites dating. You do things you would never do otherwise."

"Like dancing at prom?" he muttered.

"Or climbing on a building and yelling off the top."

"And I guess I get to add 'cloud-watching' to my list," Logan said, sweeping a bug from my face gingerly.

I have to say, it's weird having a boyfriend. I mean, for me it is. Suddenly I'm the girl in the relationship. When we hug, there're no boobs between us. Sometimes when he doesn't shave, his kisses are prickly. I'm not supposed to be the protective male anymore- Logan is. I mean, I like it- I love him taking care of me and everything- but it just takes some getting used to.

"But that means I get to show you something new," he said brightly. I groaned. "What's that for?"

"Every time you show ME something new, it's always life-threatening and illegal," I said.

"But AWESOME."

"What is it?" I sighed.

"There's a party tonight," Logan said. "It's sort of a drag-racing thing."

"Drag racing… Like… Cars?"

"Bikes."

"Logan, no!" I said sternly, propping myself up on my elbow to look down at him. "You're not doing that."

"I'm not. But I like to watch."

"Is it illegal?" I asked.

"Not if we do it on a track."

"Is it on a track?"

"No. It's on a street in the middle of a sketchy neighborhood thing."

"Logan," I whined. I didn't want to go to something that was illegal and full of testosterone-stricken men, who would be bound to fight.

"I'm going with or without you," Logan said. "But I thought maybe you'd like to see what my life was like in Cali. That's what I used to do- drag race. And since you pulled me out here to watch clouds with you in the middle of the park, I thought you might want to do something for ME."

"You're guilting me into it."

"It'll be fun," Logan smiled, getting up on his elbow to kiss me. "You'll see."

"But you're not racing. Right?" I confirmed.

"Right."

* * *

The dream that I had kept bugging me. I knew exactly what it meant- Logan was bad news and he was changing me. But he WASN'T bad news, and he was changing me for the better, right? Even though we were doing something illegal that night…

"You're going in that?" Logan asked doubtfully as he opened the door to his garage, where I was waiting. I looked down at myself- jeans and a yellow Beatles t-shirt. What's wrong with that?

"Oh, sweetheart. C'mon, I'll fix you," he said, pulling me into the house.

"What's wrong with this?" I asked.

"We're going to a place where either you're like me, or you're from the ghetto. There's no cute Latinos from the suburbs there, wearing yellow shirts. Know why? Because he would have been beaten."

I pouted as he pulled me along through the house.

"Hi, Mrs. Mitchell," I smiled, waving to Logan's mom on the couch, looking tiny.

"Hi, Carlos," she smiled half-heartedly. I think she knew about Logan and I, but I wasn't sure. That, and I don't think she was feeling very well lately.

We came into Logan's room, which I had never been inside before. It had plain white walls, clothes everywhere, a stereo system, a bed, and a desk with a bunch of textbooks and novels on it. He was secretly really nerdy- he liked to read for fun. Ha.

"Can't we just stay in here all night?" I asked hopefully as he let go of me to go to his closet.

"I went CLOUD-WATCHING, Carlos," Logan sang.

"Yeah, well MY stuff isn't terrifying!"

"It is for me."

I rolled my eyes and laughed, watching him rifle through the closet, then the clothes on the floor. Finally he picked up a shirt from the carpet, shaking the wrinkles out.

He went to me and pulled the hem of my shirt up and over my head. I felt weird being shirtless in front of him in his bedroom. It was no big deal, but I noticed his eyes linger on me while he handed me the deep red shirt.

"I decided against black. I know how you like your colors," he smirked as I pulled the shirt over my head, the smell of Logan invading my nose.

It was a little big, but I didn't have time to think about it before he was giving me his leather jacket.

"It's gonna be chilly," he said.

"Then you wear it."

"I'll be okay."

I melted a little as I put his beloved jacket on, the pockets on the inside and out heavy with things from a pocket knife to a deck of playing cards to gum. We were about the same size, so it too fit pretty well.

He looked me over, biting his lip ring and pulling me to him by the zippers of his jacket.

"Do I look good?" I purred.

"Sexy beyond belief," he murmured, kissing me.

I laughed as his hands pulled my hips to his, him kissing me again and again.

"Maybe we SHOULD stay in here all night," he said, lips moving to my neck now. I hummed, my hands running up his chest to his shoulder.

"Are we allowed to be gay where we're going?" I asked, not sure if Logan wanted to be "with" me around "his kind".

"Oh, yeah," Logan said, hands sliding down and around to my ass, making me giggle. "They don't care."

"Logan?" we heard Mrs. Mitchell call from the living room.

"Yeah?" Logan called back, still kissing my skin.

"Can you two get out of there, PLEASE?"

"Maaaaa," Logan groaned. "The door's OPEN."

Mrs. Mitchell didn't respond and Logan pouted and pulled himself from me, tugging me out of the room. I never marked his mom as one of those who is paranoid that her son and his boyfriend are doing nasty things in his room, but apparently she was. The few times I had been over, we hadn't gone into his bedroom.

"We're leaving," he said.

"Have fun. Don't get hurt. Keep Carlos safe."

"I will. Love you."

He bent to kiss her cheek and I waved at her before we left. I guess she knew where we were going and didn't mind. That, or she thought we were going somewhere else that was slightly dangerous.

* * *

I stayed close to Logan as we got off of his bike, the sound of loud rumbling audible through the darkness and bugs chirping. I clutched his hand, staying slightly behind and close to him as we neared voices just around a building corner. I found comfort in feeling his heavy pocket knife in the pocket against my chest. Not that I would use it.

The fact that he never said "there's no reason to be scared" or "you'll be fine" told me that I NEEDED to stay close. Not to mention Mrs. Mitchell's casual "keep Carlos safe" earlier on.

Logan led me to an area on the other side of the building, an area that was suddenly alive in contrast to the darkness of the other side. People sat on cars and motorcycles, some with saggy pants and cornrows, some with leather jackets and ripped jeans. There were some girls there- groupies, if you will.

I jumped and squeezed Logan's hand as two dirt bikes roared by on the street, and Logan squeezed mine back. Okay, I was FREAKING out. This was illegal, and my dad was a cop, for one. And for two, these people didn't look very friendly. We were in a NEIGHBORHOOD type deal, and nobody called the cops. Ratty women stood on their porches with their babies to watch. BUT, this is what Logan wanted to do. And he DID go cloud-watching with me, after all.

There were a lot of people with bulkier bikes like Logan had, who had groupies sitting on it with them, but I couldn't imagine Logan bringing his here. He would be afraid it would get scratched or something.

"Heeeey, baby," a girl sitting on a motorcycle sang to Logan with a wink. I giggled a little, despite my fear, when Logan smirked and did a "sup" nod to her and we kept moving.

"Have you been here before?" I asked.

"A few times."

"Did you race?"

"Hell yeah I raced," he smirked back at me. "Where do you wanna sit?"

I scanned the area, knowing Logan wanted to watch, but not seeing anywhere open for us to sit. My eyes fell on a dumpster and I smiled, tracing up to a small building.

"Up there," I said, pointing up to the ledge. He looked, seeing that there were a few people already up there, and beamed.

"You're learning," he said. "Let's go!"

* * *

"Oh," Logan said in surprise as I helped him atop the building. "Makeout corner. Good CHOICE, babe."

I loved when he called me things like "sweetheart", which he always called me even before we were dating, and "babe" and "baby".

I looked around, finding couples making out and a few that I wasn't entirely sure if they were having sex or not.

"Can we sit on the edge?" he asked. I opened my mouth to say that I didn't want to, but then I realized that I wasn't opposed to it. I was feeling really badass in my leather jacket with my badass boyfriend at this illegal event.

"Of course," I smiled. I was used to it by now- we went to our building all the time. We didn't always yell about things we hate, sometimes we just sat up there and kissed or talked or looked at the stars.

We sat just as a fight broke out below over who won the last race.

"Did you ever fight like that?" I asked Logan.

"All the time," Logan said. I nodded, a little disturbed.

"Was it like this in California?"

"Yeah, except there were better bikes and better babes," Logan mumbled. "Maybe sometime this summer we can go and see Alex."

"You would take me?"

"Yeah. There's a lot there that I think you would like. Like the Hollywood sign and the celebrities and the big houses and the boardwalk."

"I've never been to a boardwalk before," I beamed. "Is it fun?"

"Oh, yeah. I'll take you to one."

"I can just picture us holding hands on the boardwalk. Perfect date, out late making small talk."

Logan looked over at me dreamily, smiling a little.

"We can fall asleep on the beach with our shades on," he said. "I've always wanted to do that with someone."

"Then we'd have tan lines," I said, crinkling up my nose. My heart fluttered when he pressed a kiss to it, relieving it back to normal.

We watched the races for a while, taking friendly bets on the winners. He always won- he knew more about dirt bikes than I ever will, but that was okay. I liked to see him smile when he won.

After a few races, another fight broke out.

"You look sexy in that jacket," he said softly, bored with the fighting.

"Do I?" I asked charismatically.

"Oh, yeah. And you wanted to come up here and sit on the edge of this building- which is hot," he said. "And you're not even scared."

"I'm not," I beamed.

"I think the only thing left is going down there and racing."

"No way," I laughed a little.

"I can't imagine you high on testosterone and adrenaline anyway," he laughed.

"Me either."

He gave a lopsided smile, eyes dropping to my attire again. I was thankful for the jacket- it was chilly tonight.

He hummed a little, pulling me by the jacket to meet him in a kiss. After the kiss, I nipped at his lip ring and tugged lightly, making him whimper and kiss me harder this time. Over the past few weeks, I found that I didn't need seductive dancing or neck-kissing to get him going. The smallest things made him want me, like wearing his jacket or something so small as pouting to him.

His lust was contagious. When he kissed me like this- so rough yet passionate- it drove me insane. We were yet to take it farther than making out, and I was glad for that because I was a virgin, but when he kissed me this way and got me turned on, I wanted it, and he never gave it to me.

"You drive me insane," Logan murmured against my lips. I hummed in content as we kissed more, my lips eventually moving to his neck, which I rarely ever did.

Logan let out a flustered groan, fingers in my hair as I placed powerful kisses on his pale skin.

I have to tell you, making out on the edge of a building is intense. Little did I know, it was only the start of all the intensity tonight would hold.

"Hey, man! Not cool!" someone atop the building with us was yelling. After a while of him and someone below on the other side of the building yelling, Logan grunted angrily and looked over to see what was going on. "Don't mess with that bike! Not cool!"

Another race started, so Logan's attention was caught again. Fine- I guess we're gone making out.

I got up carefully, my hand in the leather jacket pocket around the pocket knife, now in the outside pocket, and went to see what was going on.

I looked over the edge of the opposite side of the building to see someone on a familiar bike, another guy stumbling nearby. That was Logan's bike-I knew it was because of the rims that I always thought looked really expensive and were kept super shiny. That guy… He was carving something into the top of the gas tank, the first thing you see when you get on the bike. Maybe I got a little mad- I liked that bike and it meant to world to Logan.

"Logan?" I called, and got no response. I raced to my boyfriend and tapped him urgently, knowing he probably would like to know about this. "Logan there's a guy messing with your bike."

"What?" Logan snapped, eyes accusing on mine now, like I was lying. He saw that I was serious and bolted up and to the ladder to get down from the building. That fire in his eyes… It kind of scared me.

I didn't know what he was going to do. That guy was obviously drunk, but he WAS carving into Logan's beloved black paint. I wouldn't blame him for getting a little rough with the guy- I was a little mad myself. I knew it was expensive to get repainted, and what if he had to replace the tank itself?

I followed him down, but by the time my feet hit the dumpster he was already storming around the building. I ran to catch up, finding that Logan wasted no time in pulling the guy off of his bike by the shirt, the guy stumbling back.

"Woah, man, take it easy!" the guy's drunk friend slurred, joining the other one. I slowed to a walk, stopping just past the building, not wanting to get involved at all.

The people atop the building were now looking down at them, chanting for them to fight.

"Get outta here!" Logan yelled to the guys.

"I just thought your paint needed some art!" the first guy slurred. Logan's eyes grew, and I did NOT want to be on the receiving end of that fiery gaze. EVER. It wasn't smart for the guy to tell him that he messed up the paint- he could have gotten away scott-free!

The two drunks laughed like idiots and immediately Logan's fist pulled back to strike. I thought that maybe he was bluffing- just trying to scare the guys away. Nope. I didn't process that my soft, sweet Logan had punched the first drunk until the guy had fallen to the pavement.

The second drunk yelled and went to hit Logan to avenge his friend, but Logan caught his hand and hit the guy in the stomach.

Okay. I'm outta here. I don't want to watch this. I didn't want to see the guy who was so sweet and gentle to me beat the living shit out of some drunks for touching his bike. I didn't want to see that side of him. The side that WAS him when he lived in California, where he was violent and angry.

It was already scary as all hell to see him that mad, and I didn't want to see that first punch to the face, but I did. I didn't know he had so much force in those knuckles.

* * *

I clutched the pocket knife in the leather jacket pocket as I sat on the curb beside some of the "Logan types", which I looked like. I didn't feel safe at all, but I felt better than being over behind the building trying to calm Logan down.

I knew he wouldn't hurt me… Right? If I tried to break up the fight going on?

I watched the drag racing for about twenty minutes, wondering what was going on with Logan that was taking so long.

Finally, I decided to get up and try to find Logan. What if he was hurt?

My heart pounded as I got up, looking around. I didn't even know where I was- I had wondered away from the building we were on.

"You look lost," a guy with saggy pants on a car said to me, surrounded by other guys of his kind.

"Nope," I squeaked, then cleared my throat before repeating, "Nope."

The guys laughed like idiots, making me clutch the knife harder and walk a little faster. I didn't even know if I was going the right way. This wasn't typical for me. Maybe James, not me. Normally I would pay attention to where I was- actually, I wouldn't even wonder away.

I kept my eyes down, ignoring the people talking to me everywhere, picking on me. I felt like crying at this point, but that would definitely get me killed. I think they could smell that I was an imposter- that I was really a helpless little Latino, son of a cop (which would get me killed if they knew) who hid behind his big bad boyfriend.

As I walked, a group of guys came up and surrounded me, me not even noticing until I bumped into one.

"Hey, kid, you look lost," one of them said- one with saggy pants and a bandana.

"Nope," I said as strongly as I could, trying to get past. The guy shoved me back and I stumbled a little, heart pounding out of my chest. My mind flashed to the knife in my hand, but I was scared to death to whip it out. What would LOGAN do right now?

Logan would let his mouth run and get himself into a fight, is what Logan would do. And he would be able to defend himself. Not me, though.

A heavy hand landed on my shoulder and I swung, my hand connecting with the attacker's jugular vein, making him wince, as my leg flew to collapse his knee. It was something my dad taught me… I guess his bullshit DOES come in handy sometimes.

The guys erupted in yelling, hands grabbing at me. I whipped out the knife now, letting the blade swing out.

"GET BACK!" I yelled, whirling around with the knife out in front of me.

"You won't use that," one guy smarted. Another thing my dad taught me- if a guy calls your bluff, make them think you were never bluffing. DO it. But I couldn't CUT someone.

Suddenly a smooth and collected voice interrupted.

"He's with us," the voice said, and a hand grabbed the back of my jacket and towed me out of the gang, making me whimper softly. This is the end, isn't it? I should have known not to wonder away. "If you have a problem, take it up with me."

I looked behind me and up to see a tall and thin guy dressed like Logan. Well, I guess dressed like ME.

The gang disappeared and the guy let go of my jacket.

"We saw you with Hollywood," the guy said as I backed away a little, noticing the rest of his gang behind him. "We guessed he wouldn't like it very much if you were hurt."

"Hollywood"? Is that what they called Logan?

"Where is he?" the guy asked.

"I don't know," I said softly. I didn't know if it was wise to say that, but they DID save me, why would they beat me up?

"Stay with us till he finds you."

I sat on the curb with the guys and their bikes, a little away from them, and pulled out my phone to call Logan.

Immediately he answered.

"Logie?" I asked quietly, looking around pitifully.

"CARLOS where ARE you?" Logan demanded.

"I don't know," I whined, looking around. "I'm with these guys that call you 'Hollywood'."

"Don't move. You have my knife, but you won't have to use it."

"Okay," I said quietly, deciding against telling him about me close-encounter a few seconds ago.

The guys didn't talk to me anymore as I sat there quietly, watching the races.

I was sorry for wondering off- I should have stayed in the alley and waited. Logan would come to me after taking care of business and apologize for scaring me, and we would go home. Now I was in a mess.

I wondered if Logan came from a neighborhood like this- dangerous and grubby and vandalized. Are there places like this in California? I knew he was from the scandalous part like Hollywood, so maybe he didn't live somewhere like this. He sure didn't talk like these people. He wasn't so vulgar.

"Hey, Hollywood! Long time no see," the guys beside me started chirping.

I jumped as a hand touched my shoulder. I looked up, gripping the knife, but my hand relaxed when I saw a worried-looking Logan.

"Are you okay?" he asked. I whimpered to myself as I jumped up and hugged him, burying my face in his shoulder. He held me tightly, shushing me. "Don't do that to me, Carlos. ESPECIALLY not here. You coulda been beaten or raped or killed."

"I didn't mean to."

He pealed me away from him and looked me over.

"Are you hurt? Did anyone touch you? You didn't talk to anyone, right?"

"I'm fine," I mumbled softly. "I almost died, though. They saved me."

"He had a run-in with the neighborhood punks," one of the guys said to Logan. "We knew he came with you and he was helpless."

"Thanks, man. I owe you," Logan said to the guy.

He hugged me again making me relax a little, feeling safe with him now.

"You must be so scared," Logan sighed. "I'm sorry."

I clung to him, my safety line. I knew that with him there, nobody would lay a finger on me.

"Are you mad?" he asked, pulling away. "How much did you see of me and those guys?"

I noted a big red spot on the left side of Logan's face, where I guess he was hit.

"I'm not mad," I said softly, remembering what happened. "I just saw you sock that guy in the face."

"Sorry," he said, ashamed. "I never wanted you to see me lose it."

I twisted my lips and dropped my eyes, nodding.

"That bitch carved his initials into my paint," Logan growled to himself. "What was I supposed to do?"

"I know," I said. "I was mad about it, too."

"I didn't hurt them too bad, I promise. They were drunk jokes- just knocked em around."

I nodded silently and he took my face in his hands, kissing my forehead. I guess he must have seen my tears, but dared not say anything about them aloud.

"This was a bad idea," he said softly. "Way too risky. I shoulda known better. Sure you're okay?"

"Just shook up. And scarred."

Logan thanked his friends again before putting a protective arm around my torso and leading me along. It surprised me that gays weren't targeted here- I saw a few gay couples myself, and nobody said a word about it. I was glad.

"I'm sorry about all of this. About you seeing me beat the shit outta those guys and about having to wonder off and about almost getting beat up by those douchebags," Logan said softly, us walking fast.

"Your friends were nice, though," I said, trying to cheer myself up as well as him.

"Not my friends."

"They call you 'Hollywood'."

Logan smirked and rolled his eyes.

"I'm not even from Hollywood. I'm from Malibu," he laughed.

* * *

**Whew. That was a long one. But I loved it. :D I loved the gentle beginning and the makeout scenes and the fighting. I just loved it all. Next one's gonna be intense, too! :)**


	10. Trouble

**A lot of you have been reviewing every chapter and every other chapter, and thank you so much! I looove reading your thoughts even if they're short. :D**

**But I just wanted to give a shout out of EveryDayImBTRushering for her/his (just in case) awesome username and her/his loooong reviews, because I look forward to your reviews, man! I love them. :D**

**I would shout out to other faithful followers, but I don't want anyone to feel left out! **

**So, to you- YES, you, reading my work right now. Thank you. Love you. Rock on. :D**

* * *

Logan picked me up from work that day- our last week of school EVER. He came on foot- his bike was still getting repainted from the whole drag racing incident.

It was about sunset when we started walking hand-in-hand. James had taken the car home, but I decided against it. I hadn't spent a lot of time with Logan lately- he had been stressing over finals and studying like crazy.

"How's studying going?" I asked as we walked slowly.

"I haven't been studying a lot, sweetie," Logan sighed. "I haven't really had time."

"Why? What've you been doing?" I asked, my chipper mood fading a little. I could tell something was on his mind.

"Mom's not doing so good… She's in the hospital. I've been there a lot, taking care of her."

My brows knitted, stomach dropping. I had grown to really like Mrs. Mitchell- I respected her like crazy. She was such a nice lady and she raised and dealt with Logan, plus Alex, who was crazy.

"Is she gonna be okay?" I asked.

"I dunno, Carlos," Logan said softly, squeezing my hand a little. He kept his eyes down, not looking at me. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say anything. "We DID come here for the awesome cancer program, and I believe in them. I just hope they don't let anything happen to her."

"I'm sorry, Loge," I said softly. "I love your mom and I hate to hear this."

"She says that if she gets too much worse, she wants my aunt and Alex to fly down here," Logan said, looking over at me, dark eyes open for me to enter, but reserved. "And you know what that means."

I sighed and twisted my lips at him, not knowing what to say. I didn't want Mrs. Mitchell to die- obviously. If she died, would Logan stay here or go back to California to be with Alex? He was 18- he could do what he wanted. But what did he want more- to stay with me or be with his baby brother? I couldn't control his decision- I would never keep him from Alex.

He was silent for a while and I could sense that I didn't need to say anything- he just wanted me there by his side. I watched as his eyes rose and looked at the streetlamp, blinking away tears.

I stopped walking and looked up at him.

"It's okay to cry," I said softly.

"I don't need to cry, sweetheart," Logan laughed a little, rolling his eyes, the tears disappearing. "I need to be strong for her and stay positive."

I smiled a little- my rock. But I knew that even rocks erode and crack sometimes.

"You don't have to be big, bad, strong Logan all the time," I said. "I'm your boyfriend. It's my job to let you cry on my shoulder without judgment."

"Okay," he smiled a little before he smiled pitifully and leaned his forehead on mine, seemingly exhausted. I wondered when he last slept and how he had done on his finals thus far.

"I'm sorry I haven't given you the attention you need lately," he said, dark eyes on mine.

"Don't worry about it."

I pulled back to press a long kiss to his forehead, something he did a lot to me but I don't believe I had ever done to him. I knew that it felt so good to have my forehead kissed, and even if Logan was "fine" and "didn't need to cry", I knew he needed this. My lips fell to his nose, kissed it, before kissing his lips.

Suddenly a car pulled up and stopped behind Logan, catching my attention.

A white car… With a big MSPD logo on it.

"Shit," I whispered, frozen. Logan looked back and immediately cut off all contact between us, eyes wide on the sidewalk, knowing that it had to be my dad getting out of the car right now. And that wasn't good.

"Get in the car," Papi said to me, coming around the car. I looked up at Logan, and I could tell he was panicking. "GO, Carlos."

I quickly went to the car and got in the front seat as Papi reached Logan. My heart was beating hard, afraid of what Papi would say to me and Logan. Afraid of what the consequences would be. Afraid of what would come out of my mouth during Papi's lecture.

Logan never looked up as Papi started talking to him. He kept his eyes on the sidewalk as he was lectured. I couldn't hear much other than "poisoning my son" and "I can guarantee he won't be seeing you anymore" and "go home and leave him alone". I was glad that he didn't yell at Logan- Logan might have yelled back.

As we drove away, Logan turned to look at me, such emotion in his eyes. Worry, sorrow, apologies.

"Papi-" I began.

"We'll talk about this when we get home."

I fell silent, my eyes on the police radio on the dash. Papi seemed really mad- the kind of mad where he tries to ACT calm, but he would let it loose when we were in private. The kind of mad that I feared.

* * *

I was surprised to find James on the couch, studying when we got home. I knew he was on the brink of some bad final grades and had to bring them up on his tests.

He looked up and smiled, having beat me home, but then Papi came in looking angry and James' face turned grave and concerned.

"Go sit at the table, mijo," Papi ordered, and I went to the kitchen with my head bowed.

It took a long time of me sitting in my chair at the table staring at the wooden surface until Papi and Brooke came in and sat across from me. I knew that Brooke was my guardian and everything, but did she have to be here for this? I looked over to see James watching with concerned eyes, having obviously known that I should have come home via Logan.

"Didn't I tell you to stay away from that boy?" Papi began angrily.

"You did," I said, looking up into his dark eyes. I hated when I was in trouble with Papi. We had a bond that wasn't tolerant of tension.

"And why did you disobey me?"

I shook my head, showing that I had no answer, and dropped my eyes. Not in an inferior way, but in a way that showed that I would fight back, but not unless provoked.

"How long have you been friends with him?" Brooke demanded.

"Since he moved here."

"So you blatantly disobeyed your father," Brooke retorted.

"I did. For the first time EVER. Because I didn't believe that what he told me to do was right. I couldn't stay away from Logan because I knew how he really was, and still is."

"I saw you kiss him, Carlos," Papi said strongly. I nodded silently, not knowing what he would say about the matter. Surely he wouldn't reject me?

"It's one thing to hang around with him, and it's another to date him," Brooke said. "Since when are you homosexual, Carlos? Nobody knew about this."

"Are we here to talk about my sexuality or what I did wrong? Or maybe my sexuality IS what I did wrong, Brooke?" I snapped.

"What EVER made you want to date HIM?" Papi said.

"LOGAN, Papi. His name is LOGAN. And he's not bad, Papi," I argued. "He's really sweet."

"Have you ridden his motorcycle?" Brooke asked. I bit my lips, not wanting to tell them the truth. If they knew everything I had done since meeting Logan, I would be DEAD.

"Carlos, I made it clear that I did not want you riding a motorcycle. Especially not with him."

"He's ridden it forever- he's really careful. He cares a lot about his bike and me especially. He told me he would never let me get hurt. As parents, isn't that all you can ask for?"

"That is a lie," Papi said angrily, voice raising. "No boys of that type want to keep you SAFE, Carlos. They only want to hurt you. Beat you. Get you drunk. Give you drugs."

"What? No!"

"I have seen his record, Carlos! FOUR times- that's four too many," Papi said, eyes burning coals, scaring me, making me recoil. "He is nothing but trouble!"

"You're wrong."

"Don't say that to me," Papi growled, his accent thickening and showing me that he was on the verge of going Spanish on me. "Where is your respect? See what this boy has done to you?"

"It's not HIM, it's ME saying this!" I growled back. "I had no reason to be disrespectful until you started judging a person that shouldn't be judged!"

"A person doesn't change so much in a matter of MONTHS," Brooke jumped in with equal hostility.

"You guys don't even know him!" I retorted. "All you know is his motorcycle, his appearance, and his past. You don't know that his dad's dead and his mom's about to be, or that his little brother lives in California or that he has a 4.0 GPA in school, do you?"

"We know that he's dirt," Brooke growled.

"Not good enough for you," Papi said angrily.

"Oh, whatever!

"I can guarantee that all he wants is sex," Brooke said, hazel eyes ablaze. "How many times, Carlos?"

"How many times WHAT?"

"Have you had sex with him?"

"What?" I squeaked. "No!"

"Yeah, right."

"Brooke! Do I look like I would rush into things like that? No! We haven't done that!"

"I'm sick of this!" Papi said with finality. "You are not seeing him anymore. And you are grounded."

"Grounded from WHAT?" I was suddenly on my feet. "I can't DO anything around here! My only entertainment is WORK! And you can't make me break up with him!"

"Yes I can. You are not an adult yet, I can make you do anything," Papi said, on his feet now, too.

"Fine! I'll run away!"

Papi's mouth shut and he stared at me, obviously not wanting me to leave, but not wanting to give in, either.

"I'll go pack!" I said, making to leave.

"And where will you go?" he challenged.

"To Mom's house! Maybe THERE she'll love me even though I'm gay and she won't judge my boyfriend!" I yelled, stopping.

"This has NOTHING to do with your sexuality, Carlos!" Brooke scolded. I knew that Papi would never disown a son for being gay, but he also didn't want it. Brooke was a little less accepting of it, I knew.

"Oh, yeah RIGHT. If Logan was a girl, you would bicker with me for like two minutes before you accepted her," I snapped at her. "This has EVERYTHING to do with my sexuality!"

Suddenly James was there beside me, making me reel and stare up at him with evil eyes.

"Logan's a really nice guy," he said sternly. "He really cares about Los a lot- I've seen it."

"This has NOTHING to do with you, James!" Brooke snapped.

"Yes it does! I've worked SO HARD to get them together and I'm not gonna sit back and watch you guys tear that apart! They're MEANT TO BE, Mom! Papi, you know I don't lie! And I'm not gonna let this happen and watch my best friend move to FLORIDA!"

"James-" Papi said in a warning voice.

"There's nothing to be mad about," James argued. "Just MEET Logan! You'll SEE how much he cares about Carlos and how NICE he is! You'll see your son's eyes glow when they look at each other and you'll see Carlos have FUN with him!"

I loved that James was defending Logan and I, and I was on the verge of breaking down when he did, but I felt so helpless standing there. HE had managed to calm them down, and HE had potentially won this battle. Not me.

"I don't want you seeing him anymore, Carlos," Papi said to me gently, dripping with finality.

"You can't make me break up with him," I said strongly. "I love him and he loves me."

James' head snapped my way, eyes wide, matching Brooke's gaze. Papi, however, took a deep breath through his nose and didn't even move.

What the hell did I just say? That wasn't supposed to come out! Was it true? I didn't think so.

"Go to your room- both of you," Papi said, sitting back down.

"What? I'm being punished for being in love?" I spat.

"Carlos," Papi warned. James' arm wrapped around my shoulders and he escorted me away, where we sat out of sight on the stairs to listen.

"All the way upstairs, door closed," Brooke called. James sighed and rolled his eyes as we climbed the stairs and obeyed.

As soon as the door closed, panic set in. I started to pace, thinking rapidly or possibilities.

What if Papi decided that it was either I dump Logan or move to Florida? I missed my mom, but I would miss Logan and James and Kendall and Papi too much to leave.

What if Papi decides to go and talk to Logan? A stern, angry policeman talk, in which Logan might mouth off and prove Papi's theories about him?

What if-

James cut through my thoughts.

"Do you really love him?" he asked.

"No," I retorted. I sighed and shook my head, realizing how bad it came across as. "No. I don't think so… It was just spur-of-the-moment."

"What if you do?"

"Then… I guess I'd have to tell Logan. But I don't."

James nodded thoughtfully and sat on his bed, watching me pace.

"I just YELLED at Papi and your mom," I said softly, brows knitted.

"Damn right you did. And it felt good, right?"

"Yeah."

"I wanted to yell at them, too. Papi was being really unreasonable. And my mom… I know how she is when she's yelling at you. You won't break up with him, right?"

"No… But I don't wanna move, either."

"Were you serious about that? Don't leave me, Los."

"It was just a threat… Maybe I would go to Kendall's or Logan's or live with one of my brothers," I sighed. "Probably wouldn't go all the way to Florida."

James nodded, relaxing a little.

"You didn't wash up when you came in," James noted, realizing that I hadn't washed my hands like usual.

"Sure didn't."

* * *

I wasn't expecting anything else about the matter. I assumed that Papi's word was final, but not to be obeyed, that I was to break up with Logan and not see him anymore.

However, later that night I was called down to talk to Papi in the kitchen.

He was calm now, in his uniform still. I assumed Brooke was in bed or something, and I knew that James was listening on the stairs.

"Tell me about him," Papi said across from me.

"Logan, Papi. His name is Logan."

Papi looked up at me, silent.

"You'd like him, Dad. If you gave him a chance."

"Do you really love him?" Papi asked.

"Yeah."

Papi blinked and nodded silently, obviously not knowing how to talk to me about this.

"I know that I should have told you, and I would have- if he was anyone else," I said softly. "I knew that if you knew about him, you would be mad. James and Kendall were the only people who knew that I was gay, because I didn't think it was a big deal."

"Tell me the truth… Have you had sex?"

"No, Papi," I smiled a little, and he seemed to let out a breath of relief. "He's had a boyfriend before, but I haven't. I'm more careful about this, and he knows that and he respects it."

I smirked a little, realizing how uncomfortable Papi was about the matter, talking to his son about gay sex and his boyfriend. But at least he seemed accepting.

"Brooke and I talked about it, and I decided that I would be a horrible father to make my son separate from a person he loves," Papi said.

"Thanks, Papi," I said appreciatively.

"As usual, your mother is coming up for our camping trip. Kendall is coming along… I thought maybe Logan could come, too."

"Really?" I beamed. Wow- this was a big step. Logan would be meeting my mom (who would LOVE him), Papi, and Brooke. I hoped he wouldn't turn it down. My mom always came up every first-week-of-summer, and normally my brothers came camping, too, but this year they weren't- too busy.

"If you love him, I need to try to, too," Papi sighed. "But you will NOT share a tent."

"Thanks, Papi. This is AWESOME."

"I'm not saying that Brooke and I will LIKE him immediately- but maybe we should get to know him a little more."

I couldn't help but note that if I hadn't lied and told Papi that I loved Logan, this would have turned out a lot worse. Maybe there would be more yelling. Maybe I would end up leaving. Logan would DEFINITELY not be going on our family camping trip with us.

"You'll love him, Papi," I said, grinning ear-to-ear. "He's so awesome."

* * *

**Kind of a short chapter I'm sorry, but next one will probably be long and awesome, SO. I can't wait to write it! :D I started before I even finished this chapter.**


	11. Camping

I was nervous, and I knew Logan was, too, as I lead him down the sidewalk. He told me he didn't want to leave his mom to go have fun, but I told him it was only a few days, and it was really important.

"Brooke says you can't come in the house," I said. We weren't holding hands or anything- Logan was scared shitless to even touch me. "But we're loading the truck up, and you can help with that. Are you scared?"

"I'm terrified," Logan admitted.

"Me, too. But Papi will like you if you just be yourself," I assured. "Brooke's opinion doesn't really matter, so don't worry about her. And my mom's really nice, and she'll love you right off the bat. That's her right there."

We reached the truck, where only my mom was, fighting with roasting stakes. Yesterday she was at my graduation and stayed for the trip.

"Mom?" I asked timidly.

"Yes, baby?" Mom breathed, looking back at me. She did a double take, marveling at my boyfriend, before she turned to us. "Is this him?"

"This is him," I beamed. Mom looked him over happily before throwing her arms around him. My mom never even questioned me when I said that my BOYFRIEND would be coming with us.

"Oh, you're so HANDSOME," she said, pulling away. "My baby did good."

Logan laughed, showing his dimples, relaxing a lot. I didn't want to tell him that Brooke and Papi would NOT be like this when they met him.

"I'm Sylvia. Call me that or Mom or just anything."

"Okay. I'm Logan," Logan grinned.

"Well obviously."

I knew that mom would like Logan. She liked pretty much everyone her sons dated until they broke up, in which case "she was a bitch anyway". I knew she would marvel at how handsome he was and how polite and caring he was- she would see everything good about him that Papi wouldn't. Of course she would see the piercing and the tattoos, but that just made him more handsome. I think my mom and I had the same taste in men- is that weird?

"Now Roberto is gonna try to scare you, and he WILL succeed," Mom said to him sternly. "But I know he'll come around."

Logan opened his mouth to talk, but was cut off by Kendall approaching.

"Hey, Logan," he smiled. "Excited?"

"I've never camped before," Logan said to us. "It should be interesting."

"Camping Garcia style is the way to go," Mom breathed. "I just love coming down to spend some time with my boys. Even if only one is really mine."

"Logan's one of the boys now?" Kendall smirked at Logan.

"Well of course," Mom beamed. "He's one of MY boys."

I took Logan's backpack and brought it around to the back of the truck as Mom started telling Logan about Andres, Antonio, and Javi- my brothers.

"Is he here?" Papi asked, coming to toss fishing poles into the back.

"Yeah. And he's really nervous, so be gentle," I said sternly. Papi looked over at Logan, who was smiling cutely at my mom- I knew they would hit it off- obviously hesitating.

I followed Papi over to Logan, Kendall, and Mom, Logan's eyes setting on him and he seemed to tense up. It's not easy for a person to be casual when they know that a person dislikes them.

"H-hello, sir," Logan said, actually being SHY, which I had never seen before. He offered his hand, which Papi hesitantly took. I was kind of afraid that Papi thought that Logan's "gay" would rub off on him. But I could tell that Logan's firm handshake impressed Papi. "I'm Logan."

"I know."

Logan fell silent as their hands dropped.

"Thank you for inviting me, sir. I've never been camping before."

"I guess it will be an experience, then," Papi said. His eyes dropped to Logan's exposed tattoo. "You want to be in the army?"

"Not necessarily," Logan said, looking down at his tattoo. "My dad passed in the army."

"You were underage when you got that done," Papi said simply. Logan was silent, not knowing what to say that wouldn't screw everything up. I watched him gnaw on his lip ring, unsure of himself.

"But all of them have meanings," I reasoned, coming to Logan's rescue as I approached.

"ALL of them? How many?"

"That one's in honor of my dad," Logan said, pointing to his arm. He rose his left hand to show the Alexander tattoo on his finger. "And this one is my little brother's name. I hope to get another one for my mom- a dove, I think."

Papi looked at Logan's army tattoo a little longer.

"What would make a teenager go through such pain for that?" he asked.

"Well… I made a lot of dumb decisions, Mr. Garcia, but I don't think the tattoos were one."

"I think they were."

With that, Papi turned to Kendall to start talking to him. Logan looked over at me, brows upturned. I sighed and twisted my lips, knowing he thought that he made a horrible first impression.

* * *

"Don't go too far," Mom called after Logan and I as we started down the trail from our campsite as everyone else started to set everything up. I wasn't allowed to set up tents- I always screwed it up.

I waited until we were out of sight to take Logan's hand.

"In California, nobody cared how much affection you showed in public. Even your family," Logan noted, looking up at the canopy of trees in wonder.

"My mom doesn't care, but I think Papi will take a second to adjust before we could," I sighed.

"He hates me."

"No. He just doesn't know about you yet. Just be yourself."

"Brooke hates me."

"Brooke hates ME. Who cares?" I laughed. "I'm surprised she comes camping with us, with how germaphobic she is. I think she just doesn't want my mom hitting on my dad while Brooke's not around. Like that would happen."

"Why did they get divorced?"

"I dunno," I shrugged. "They just had too many differences, I guess."

Logan nodded, eyes on the dirt trail. I wondered how his mom was, but didn't ask.

We arrived at the lake, where we sat on a dock, out feet over the edge.

"There's fish down there," Logan noted, almost astonished, head bowed as he looked at the fish swimming around near the surface. I smirked, nudging him with my shoulder, loving how ADORABLE he was. He looked over at me and grinned, kissing me, making me hum in content. After another quick peck, Logan looked back down to the water, mesmerized at the fish coming up for air.

"Mom likes you," I said, watching him.

"She's so nice- I see where you get it."

"Papi's nice, too. Just not to you. Not yet," I said.

"I don't think I'll ever get him to be nice to ME. He ragged on my ink first thing."

"He's just finding reasons to not like you," I reasoned. "No matter how much he insists he doesn't care, he secretly doesn't want me to be gay."

"My dad woulda been mad if he knew," Logan said, looking up at me. "Big military man with a gay son. Forget about it."

I twisted my lips and lay my head on his shoulder as he looked out over the landscape.

"I'm worried about Mom," Logan sighed, his cheek on my hair. "What if she needs me?"

"She'll call if she does."

"I shouldn't have left her in her time of need."

"It's only a few days, baby," I assured. "She'll be okay."

* * *

"You're eating s'mores for dinner?" Logan smirked, in the camping chair beside me before the fire with the buzz of bugs all around us and my family in the dark woods.

"I'll have a few hotdogs, too," I assured. "I just like to start off with desert."

"Tell me when it's done- I have no clue," Logan said, unsure, having been holding his hotdog on the poker over the fire for quite some time.

"It's REALLY done, bro," James laughed. Logan raised his stick and I laughed, seeing that the hotdog was charred.

I reached out to pull the poker to me, but of course, having been heated in the fire, the metal singed me, making me hiss in pain. REAL smooth, Carlos.

"Carlos! Come ON, common sense," Logan scolded. I sucked on my burn pitifully, but it didn't hurt that bad. "Are you okay?"

"He does that every time," Kendall smirked. "He doesn't learn."

"It doesn't hurt that bad," I assured. "It's just a little red."

"Do you need ice?"

"Noooo, I'm FINE," I assured Logan.

"If you don't want that, honey, I know Roberto likes them burnt," Mom said from Logan's other side, pointing to the hotdog.

"Mr. Garcia?" Logan offered, tilting the charred meat to my dad. Papi looked at him, then the hotdog before shrugging and nodding. I was glad that he wasn't so set on hating my boyfriend that he refused the hotdog that I KNEW he wanted.

"You can make the s'mores- those are SUPPOSED to be burnt," I said, giving my poker loaded with marshmallows to my boyfriend. "I'll make hotdogs."

"Deal."

As I twisted the hotdogs in the fire, listening to Kendall and James talk on my other side, I watched the fire glow in Logan's eyes- literally. He looked at me and I grinned, biting my lip. Since my argument with Papi, I kept thinking about the whole "I love you" thing. Sometimes I thought that there was no way I loved him, but others I thought there was no way I COULDN'T love him.

Logan opened his mouth to say something softly to me, but Brooke interrupted.

"What about the sleeping arrangements?" she asked the group.

"Carlos and Logan are not together," Papi said sternly. Logan never looked up from his marshmallows.

"How about you two in one," Mom said, gesturing to Papi and Brooke. "Then James, Logan, and Kendall in the big one and Carlos and I in the last one?"

"You'll let him out," Brooke said coldly to Mom.

"Will not."

"Yeah, Mom, we won't let Carlitos in," James assured, smirking at me.

I giggled a little, knowing that if I wanted, I would have no trouble going to cuddle with Logan in his tent.

Logan pulled the toasted marshmallows from the fire and showed them to James on my other side.

"Are they good?" he asked.

"Perfect," James beamed, taking the goo from the poker and dropping it into his mouth.

I made a few s'mores as Logan made some hot dogs.

"Now try THIS," I said, offering a gooey masterpiece of s'mores to him. "Just a bite."

Logan leaned forward, me holding it as he bit into it. He came away chewing thoughtfully, white sugary goo dropping down his chin.

"It's good," he finally said. I giggled and reached over to scrape the marshmallow from his chin, my thumb plunging into my mouth flirtatiously to suck the goo from it. Logan groaned and bit his lip ring, obviously tempted to kiss me but not in front of my parents.

Glancing behind him and seeing that my parents were preoccupied, I stole a sweet, s'more-flavored peck on his lips, then another one before pulling away, leaving him with an adorable blush across his face.

"You're cute," I smirked, biting into the s'more he just ate.

"YOU'RE cute."

I was leaning in for another kiss when James interrupted.

"How about a nighttime swim, guys?" he suggested.

"Oh, boys, I hate when you do that," Mom whined.

"Yeah! Let's go!" I beamed. I loved swimming in the lake, the little fish tickling my legs and the waves lapping off of the dock. I looked excitedly to Logan, who looked doubtful. I knew he would come anyway- it was that or stay here with my parents.

We finished eating before going down to the dock in the dark. There's something spooky and rebellious and magical about the lake at night, and I loved it.

Kendall and James wasted no time in stripping off their clothes down to their boxers, Kendall shoving James into the warm water before he cannon-balled in himself.

I was a little nervous as I stripped my clothes. I wasn't a good swimmer at all. I could save my own life- MAYBE- but I couldn't rescue another person. I was just barely good enough to keep my head above water for a minute or two. I knew Logan was probably an expert swimmer, having come from the beach, and was a little embarrassed and was thinking about bailing out.

THEN I looked over to see Logan in his boxers, pulling his dark shirt over his head. He turned away from me to toss his clothes aside, showing dimples at the bottom of his back. Suddenly I wanted to be wherever he was.

He turned to me, smirking.

"Sorry I'm not all you pictured me to be," he said sarcastically. "You've never even seen my legs."

Okay, maybe I expected him to have a toned torso, although I felt how soft he was below his shirt when we hugged. He definitely wasn't fat, but he wasn't James buff, either.

"You're cute," I smiled, my eyes running over him.

"You've made me soft," he joked, hand running over his hairless body. Well, not HAIRLESS. It was like Kendall's, with a patch of dark hair on his chest, but a lot less that Kendall had.

My eyes fell on something poking out of his waistband, off to the left a little. I thought it was hair and was a little embarrassed, then I realized it was another tattoo.

"What's that?" I asked, pointing to it.

"You weren't supposed to notice," Logan smirked. He pealed his waistband down to show fancy cursive, the same as his "Alexander" tattoo, except fancier.

I burst into laughter, realizing what it said.

"Fuck you," I read, looking up at him. "How nice."

"I was a little drunk when I had it done. I'm just glad I got it in fancy writing at least. AND it's spelled right."

"And why did I not know about this?" I asked in mock offense.

"Because how do you tell your boyfriend that your sensitive region says 'fuck you'? I figured it would be a nice pre-first-time surprise."

"Think so? Any more I should know about?"

"Oh, I have one of Matt's name," Logan said jokingly. "On my ass."

I laughed and rolled my eyes.

Swimming, just the four of us, was a lot of fun. Logan was a great swimmer, but I stayed near the dock to hang onto it.

Logan seemed to get along well with James and Kendall, which surprised me. I don't think that they knew that Logan had dimples until that night. He looked so cute, having fun with his hair limp and laying sideways, the ends curling against his temple.

Soon Kendall got out to go to camp for towels, but I noticed that he had a pair of boxers in his hand and James seemed mad as he went after him. I didn't look, but I assumed James was naked.

Logan swam over to me below the dock. It was silent, save the lapping of the gentle waves against the dock and the bugs buzzing.

"Hey, sexy," I smiled as Logan faced me with his hand beside mine on the dock.

"I've been dying to kiss you all night," he said, leaning in to press his lips to mine. His hand moved through the water to pull me to him, our bare skin pressing together and driving me nuts. Only two layers of paper-thin cloth separated my "sensitive region", as Logan put it, from his. Although we got a few kisses at the fire, I knew what he meant. He wanted a REAL kiss.

He hummed in content as my lips moved to his neck, close to the water. His bare skin was so wet and warm beneath my lips, his pulse speeding up.

His hand moved from my waist to my waistband, fingers burrowing beneath it and gaining access. I reached back to pull the hand from beneath my boxers, but I realized that maybe I liked it a little bit more than I expected.

The hand slid from the back to the front of my boxers, making me jump and pull it out before he could touch me.

"What're you afraid of?" he whispered, my face coming back up to his to kiss his lips. I didn't know WHAT I was afraid of- why I didn't want him to touch me there?- so I didn't answer.

I let go of the dock to wrap my arms around his neck as we kissed, his hand still firm on the wood to keep us afloat.

"Hey! No sex in the lake!" I heard Kendall say just above us. I raised a hand to give him the bird, hearing he and James crack up laughing.

* * *

I tried to be quiet as I got into mine and Mom's tent. I didn't want her to wake up because I wasn't tired and I wanted to go hang out in Logan's tent. That, and I had to change my wet boxers and even if she IS my mom, she wouldn't want to see her grown son buck naked.

Lucky me, though, she wasn't even asleep. She was on her phone.

Mom rolled over in her sleeping bag.

"Did you have fun?" she asked.

"Oh yeah," I said, unzipping my bag to get dry clothes. "I think Logan came out of his shell a lot."

"Does he not like Kendall and James?"

"He does, he's just kinda reserved," I shrugged. "Don't look, I'm about to get naked for a few seconds."

Mom laughed and rolled over.

"Just make sure that you come back here before morning," she said to me. "Your dad wouldn't like to find you in their tent."

"Thanks, Mom," I beamed. "You're the best."

* * *

I was surprised to find Logan, Kendall, and James up and talking in the tent. I expected Kendall and James to be goofing off, but not Logan.

"So we're setting off these fireworks thirty feet from Jim Carrey's house," Logan continued as I sat beside him. James and Kendall were watching him through the darkness like kids around a fire. "One of them falls over and just crashes through his window. We make a run for it and Jim Carrey's pissed as all hell. My buddy ended up getting caught, but nobody else."

"Oh my GOD," Kendall laughed. "That's insane!"

"We were complete idiots when I lived there," Logan giggled, rolling his eyes.

"Still are," I breathed jokingly.

"Hey!" he said in surprise. "When did you get here?"

I laughed and shrugged.

"He has a LOT of stories, Carlitos," James beamed. "A lot."

"Are you being friendly again?" I admonished Logan jokingly. "I told you to stop that."

Logan told us a few more stories- about a motorcycle crash he was in (he was okay afterward) and about how he was mugged on the street once and then another mugger mugged his mugger and he got away. It was then that I realized maybe his lifestyle back in California wasn't so bad- it gave him a lot of great memories.

After a while, James and Kendall went out to play with the dying fire outside. I knew Logan wanted to, too- he loved fire- but stayed with me instead. He seemed to get along well with them, and had a lot in common with them.

We climbed into his sleeping bag- I loved the close contact. I heard James and Kendall laughing like idiots outside as Logan lay his head on his folded arm, face level with mine.

I smiled a little, reaching up to caress his jaw with my thumb, then drag it over his lips before he leaned forward for a kiss. "You're stubbly," I giggled.

"You, too," he smirked, kissing my chin and jaw. "I like it."

I laughed as he pulled me closer to him, kissing my neck and nibbling just a tiny bit.

"You've been driving me nuts all night," he whispered.

"ME?" I laughed.

"You. I need you."

"Not here," I giggled. "My parents are here."

"Let's go in the woods."

"Logie," I laughed.

"God I love that," he groaned, his nails scraping gently along my back. He was really good at making me feel wanted and desired. Like I was sexy as all hell. He was ALSO really good at seducing me, and he knew it.

"You're gonna get yourself into trouble," I whispered.

"Gonna spank me?"

I burst into laughter, but he didn't seem to mind. He flipped me to my back, suddenly straddling me and smothering me with kisses. Okay, this was getting heated and maybe I didn't want to stop him.

I found my hands running up his thighs as we kissed, my heart beating in my throat just like every time he did this to me- made me excited.

"We're all alone," he whispered, loose hair brushing my forehead. "Don't hold back. I want it."

Granted permission, my hands went right for his ass, making his moan. I didn't understand WHY he liked doing this to me so much. Maybe my butt felt better than his, but this wasn't doing much for me. He seemed to like it, though, so I didn't pull my hands away.

His hips moved, creating friction on my "sensitive region" and making me whimper, brows upturned, and my hands claw into his flesh, making him groan, too.

"L-Logie," I whispered. "We can't be loud."

He bit at his lip ring deviously and moved his hips, harder on me now.

He muffled my whimper with a kiss this time, and I clamped down on his lip ring with my teeth, trying not to squeak as he ground on me again.

Suddenly his hand was trailing down my stomach… Down… Down…

"Logan," I whispered fearfully.

"It's okay, baby," he whispered as his hand slid into my pants and cupped me.

I gasped and bolted upright, knocking out foreheads together- HARD. His hand pulled from my pants to hold his head in shock.

"Oh my God," I gasped, rubbing my forehead. "Are you okay?"

"What the HELL?"

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so, so sorry."

He rubbed his forehead for a second before looking down at me.

"Are you alright?" he asked.

"I'm okay."

Suddenly Logan was giggling, shaking his head.

"This isn't funny," I mumbled.

"I think it is."

I pouted up to him and he giggled and kissed me, making me melt backward.

"Let's try again," he murmured. "Are you ready for this?"

"Wait," I said quickly, making him sit up. "Can we trade places?"

"Gladly."

We traded places, and as I sat King Of The Hill on Logan, I realized I had no idea what to do.

Luckily, Logan knew exactly what to do- as usual. He sat up and tugged my shirt over my head, then his own. His hands moved up my bare ribs, creating goosebumps as he kissed me.

"You're shaking," he said softly. "We don't have to do this."

I didn't even think about bailing out. Logan thought that I was ready for this, or he would have stopped by now. And if he thought so, I MUST be ready, right?

I pushed him down to lay on his back and kissed his collarbone, his hands going to my hair and his legs wrapping around my waist. He knew what he was doing- giving me confidence to keep going, and I did.

He hummed in content as I trailed kisses down his body.

"Fuck," he hissed as I sucked hard just above his belly button. I came away with a pop, satisfied with the start of a bruise that would be there later. A bruise that meant "This man is MINE. Don't touch him!", even though nobody would ever see it but me.

I kept kissing, down, down, until I got to his waistband. He looked down, smirking, curious to see what I would do. I gave him a mischievous look and swiped the flannel PJ's from his waist like a magician revealing something beneath a cloth, making him bite his lip ring.

Okay, I had never seen another guy's penis in real life, okay? ESPECIALLY not an erect one, which I had caused, that belonged to a man I might love that had "fuck you" tattooed beside it. So when I was presented with this one, I couldn't really look away.

"Should I start?" he asked with a little laugh.

"Show me how it's done," I nodded flirtatiously, although I was nervous.

* * *

I lay on my back, catching my breath, Logan hugging my side with his cheek on my bare shoulder. His finger traced my jaw and flipped off of my chin, bringing my face to his for a gentle kiss.

"I love you," I whispered. His eyes didn't change on mine, his little smile didn't lower, it was almost like he didn't hear me. Great. Typical virgin thing to say after sex. FANTASTIC.

"How do you know?" he whispered back.

"I don't."

"I don't want you to be mad that I can't say it back yet," he murmured.

"I'm not."

"Some people expect that," he said. "But you said it fast- it'll take me a little longer."

"Take as much time as you need."

Logan smiled and kissed me a few times before making to get up.

"I have to smoke," he said. I nodded and he pulled on boxers and a shirt before he grabbed a pack of cigarettes and a Zippo from his bag and left.

I watched him go before shifting my eyes to James and Kendall at the fire. I smirked a little, seeing that James was sitting against a camping chair in the dirt, Kendall lying lazily between his legs. James' hands were absently playing with Kendall's hair as they stared at the dying fire and talked. James would tell me if something romantic happened with Kendall, right? Or even if he just had feelings for him? I wondered this all the time, because they did things like this that seemed a little too intimate for even life-long best friends.

Suddenly Kendall looked up at James and said something, faces an inch apart, and got up to follow Logan down the trail to the lake.

After a while, I lay down in Logan's sleeping bag and James came in.

"Kendall said he had to talk to Logan. I dunno about what, though," James yawned.

"I'll just… Rest my eyes while we wait," I yawned- hey, it's contagious!

I ended up falling asleep, and I don't know how long it took before I heard Kendall and Logan come in. In the midst of my sleep, I felt Logan kiss my forehead and he never lay down with me.


	12. It's My Job

I woke up to loons singing and sun shining in on me. I sat up sleepily, looking over to see James and Kendall in James' sleeping bag, Kendall's blond hair poking out of the top and James' leg wrapped around his form. I groaned a little to myself, shifting my position. I was soar in all the wrong places. Or are they all the RIGHT places?

I got up, figuring maybe Logan sneaked off to smoke or something, but finding that nobody but Brooke was up yet, and she was in the car putting on makeup.

I went into Mom's tent, where I SHOULD have slept, and was surprised to find Logan in my sleeping bag, sleeping like a log.

He must have slept in here, knowing we couldn't be found in the same tent. THAT'S why I felt him kiss my forehead and leave last night.

Mom was sitting up already, also putting on makeup. She smiled up at me, obviously oblivious to what her innocent youngest son did the night before in the tent beside hers. I was glad- we worked hard to be quiet.

"I fell asleep in the other tent," I whispered, sneaking past my sleeping boyfriend to get clothes from my bag.

"I figured. Did you have fun? You didn't tell ghost stories, did you?" Mom smirked.

"No- we didn't. Yeah… It was a lot of fun. Turns out Logan has a lot in common with James and Kendall," I said, feeling awkward about how much "fun" I really had.

"Well your dad says that Logan doesn't seem so bad," Mom said, continuing applying makeup, like she needed it. "I knew that already, but he needed proof. He really cares about you, baby."

"I know he does," I smiled a little down to his sleeping body.

I grabbed clothes and toiletries before heading down to the shower house. I didn't like the shower house- it was full of bugs and baby frogs and it was disgusting and smelled bad, but I couldn't very well walk around smelling like sex, could I?

* * *

I was washing my hair in the warm water when I saw someone's bare feet appear in the stall beside me and the water turn on. I didn't think anything of it until the person talked.

"Carlos?" Logan asked. "That's you, right?"

"Yeah," I laughed. His voice sent my heart skipping a beat, remembering everything that happened the night before. Suddenly I thought I could hear his voice from a mile away, craved it wafting to my ears again.

I sat my supplies between our stalls for his access, feeling like there was something on his mind. Was it about my whole "I love you" thing last night? Did he regret having sex with me? Did Papi yell at him?

"You didn't sleep with me last night," I noted.

"I didn't want your dad to find us," Logan said.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I'm just debating on telling you something…"

"A secret?"

"Yeah. About Kendall."

"Tell me."

I watched the feet below the wall walk away and jumped when my curtain opened and Logan entered. My first instinct, like a loser, was to cover myself, but Logan didn't even look at my body.

"Kendall came and talked to me while I was smoking last night," Logan said, stepping close, dark eyes hesitant. "I don't know WHY he came to me instead of you, but he did."

"What did he say?"

"He asked me how I knew I was gay," Logan said, eyes on what I suspected to be a spider on the wall behind me, but I didn't look. "And I told him, and he said that he had a dream about James. A lot of dreams. Like… SEXY dreams."

My brows furrowed in confusion and Logan gave me a "tell me about it" look.

"He asked me what I thought it meant, and I told him the truth."

"What did you say?" I asked.

"I told him that I didn't know what it meant, but they're practically dating already," Logan explained. "And that he should tell James about it and see what he thinks."

"Does he like James?"

"By the sound of it, I don't think he knows. He's scared about it- he either doesn't want to be gay in general or doesn't want to get his heart broken," Logan shrugged. "I told him that James wouldn't act like he does if he didn't like him just a little."

"They've always acted that way. It's just a joke."

"But it's not a joke anymore when they cuddle by the fire with nobody around. That's real. It's not a joke when they sleep in the same sleeping bag. It's not a joke the way they look at each other."

I twisted my lips and nodded.

"What do you think James'll say when Kendall tells him?" Logan asked me.

"I dunno. It could either go really well or horribly bad."

Logan nodded, eyes dropping to my chest.

"Are you sore?" he asked.

"A little," I smirked a little. My hart fluttered as he leaned in for a kiss, an innocent hand on my naked arm. This time when we kissed… It was different somehow. Like we knew secrets about one another and we could only talk about it through touching. It may have something to do with what we did last night in the tent, or maybe that I told him I love him. Either, way, I think he felt it, too, because he let in a deep breath through his nose against my cheek, his fingers squeezing my arm a little.

"Do you remember what you said to me last night?" he asked before kissing me again.

"I said a lot."

"You said that you love me."

"I remember. Are you mad?" I asked, pulling my face away hesitantly.

"Why would I be mad?" he grinned, kissing my nose. "No… I just wanted to make sure that wasn't some stupid slip-up… It happens."

"Why are you so set on me not loving you?"

"I don't want you to make a mistake."

"You think I am?"

"I want you to be sure you're not. You don't seem absolutely POSITIVE."

I was about to get defensive, but then I looked up into his eyes to see that he was teasing me. He giggled and kissed my cheek before hurrying back to his stall just in time for someone else to enter.

"What does that mean?" I laughed as I heard the familiar giggling the belonged to my idiot brother and Kendall.

"It means that you make it PERFECTLY clear that you know you feel that way," Logan laughed a little. "You wear your heart on your sleeve, baby."

* * *

"Papi, can you help?" I whined, holding the helpless little maggot in my palm. Its legs pulled at my skin as it tried to get away- how could I shank that onto a hook and drown it to feed a fish?

"Baby," Kendall smirked, lying on his stomach beside me as he fished.

"He has a heart of gold," Papi shrugged, taking my hook and worm. I looked away as he mercilessly harpooned the thing. "Always has, always will."

I heard James start dying of laughter and I cast my line before looking over. James was practically rolling as he laughed, Logan looking a little agitated as he tried to free himself from his hook embedded in the back of his shirt- I guessed he wasn't so good at fishing. It WAS his first time.

Papi giggled a little as he went to help Logan.

"It's not for everyone," Papi said as he let the baited hook swing before Logan's nose dangerously. "Is that how you got that hole in your lip? Caught the hook on you?"

Logan looked up worriedly, then saw that my dad was smiling and smiled, too.

"Not quite," he laughed.

Papi assumed his position beside me on the dock and I looked over to Logan to give him a thumbs-up. Papi joked with him! AND he helped get the hook from his shirt! That's a big deal! He grinned at me as James took his pole to cast the line for him.

"So? Do you like him even a LITTLE?" I asked Papi hopefully.

"I can tolerate him," Papi said simply. I beamed happily at him and he rolled his eyes. "Sure- he is polite and respectful, but he also has tattoos and piercings."

"So what?"

"I don't know, Carlos," Papi sighed. "I am just used to seeing that on criminals."

I looked over to Logan, who was looking mesmerized into the lake at the little fish, too small to be caught. I loved how innocent he was on this trip, watching fish and not knowing how to cast a fishing line or cook a hotdog. He wasn't a criminal. Sure- he had been to jail and been arrested, but I think of CRIMINALS more like thieves and murderers. Not Logan.

After a while, Logan's phone rang in his pocket.

"Sorry, guys. It's my mom," he said, getting up. "I have to take this."

He disappeared, phone to his ear, and I sensed his fear.

"His mom has breast cancer- she's not doing very well," I explained. "He's been worried about her."

"Awe," James pouted. "That's sad."

"Carlos?" Logan asked softly at the base of the dock. My head snapped his way, but his eyes didn't meet mine. "I have to go."

"What?" I got up, laying my pole down. "What's going on?"

"Alex and my aunt are in town… They're coming to get me in my mom's car and we're going to the hospital," Logan almost whispered, not looking at me as I approached.

My stomach dropped. I knew what that meant. Mrs. Mitchell had gotten worse and she was dying. She had to say goodbye to her sister and Alex.

"Oh, Logie," I murmured.

"Is it okay if I leave my stuff here?"

"Of course. Will you be okay alone?"

"Yeah… I don't think I'm coming back…" he said. "I had a lot of fun- thanks for inviting me. And… Last night was amazing."

I smiled solemnly and nodded, hugging him around the neck. Honestly, I was sad. I liked Mrs. Mitchell. She was so cool and incredibly nice- she loved me!

Logan talked to Papi about the situation and thanked him, then went to my mom and Brooke and did the same. Of course Mom was sympathetic and huggy, telling him she would see him at Christmas, or maybe our wedding if it's soon enough (joking, of course)

"Call me if you need me," I said as his car pulled up.

"Okay," he said, hugging me tight.

"I love you," I said softly, sending butterflies in my stomach. It's horrible to feel good at a time like this, but it felt SO good to say it.

I kissed his cheek and he smiled a little before getting into the van. I waved at Alex, who recognized me, and Logan waved solemnly at me before closing the door.

I would have liked to say goodbye to Mrs. Mitchell, just because she could potentially be my mother-in-law in the future, if she lived. She knew me and she liked me, and she was a really cool lady. Maybe I would get a chance later.

* * *

"Have you met his mother?" Mom asked me as she and I hiked along a trail- just Mother-Son time, I think.

"Yeah- I've seen her a lot," I said. "She's really cool and she's been through a lot with raising Logan- she still loves him to death. I just hate this- she's so nice and I think I'll cry if she dies. WHEN she dies. It's gonna be hard on Logan and his brother. What if Logan decides to move to California to be with his brother? Mom, what will I do?"

Mom looked solemnly over at me, obviously sympathetic.

"I mean, I know he really misses Alex and everything. And what choice does he have? He can't pay for his house on his own. And he wants to be with Alex so bad, I know he does…"

"Have you talked to him about it?"

"How do you talk to your boyfriend about what happens when his mom dies?" I pointed out. "It's a sensitive subject."

"I don't know what to say, baby…"

"I told him I love him last night… For the first time," I said, brows upturned, eyes on the trail before us. "I hate to say that just to lose him."

"You won't lose him. I've seen the way he looks at you."

"I can't be with him when he's across the country. Even if he loved me back, he's a catch in California. A lady's man, and probably has guys all over him, too. How could I ask him to keep his hands off?"

"Do you trust him?"

"I trust him with my life, and with my secrets, but I don't know how to trust someone with my heart. I've never done it before, Mom, and I'm scared."

Mom looked over at me, surprised at how deep I just got.

"I hate to dump this all on you, but I haven't talked to anyone about it," I sighed.

"It's okay- I'm your mommy, it's my job. I just don't know how to help," she said. "I've never been in the position where my son has boyfriend trouble, you know."

I sighed and nodded, looking out into the woods, where it was alive if you looked close enough. It was like what I was feeling. There were squirrels out there, playing and being happy. Then there were butterflies fluttering around with their mates. Birds were up in the nests singing their hearts out. But then somewhere out there was a deer, running for its life from a bear or a wolf, completely scared out of its mind. Are bears and wolves out during the day? I don't know, but you get the point.

"You gave him your heart," Mom said, holding out her hands clasped like she was holding a baby bird. "Beating and all, and you have to trust him to put it in a locked cage and protect it. Sometimes he'll poke at it and agitate it, but then he'll make it better. You have to trust that he'll keep it safe and doesn't break it, and in just a little while he'll give you his heart and you have to do the same thing."

I was silent, thinking about it.

Before I could get too deep into thought, my phone buzzed. I looked at the text, thinking maybe James was telling me that he and Kendall were going swimming or something, and was surprised to see that it was Logan.

_Hi, Carlos, it's Joanna. _It read. _I know you're busy, but Logan needs you. Could you make it sometime soon? _

"Who is it?" Mom asked.

"Logan's mom," I said as I stopped walking. "She says Logan needs me."

I looked up at Mom and saw that while she didn't want to miss a moment of visiting with me, she knew I needed to go to him.

"You should go," she said. "He's having a hard time. He really needs you."

* * *

I hated to leave behind the camping trip, especially as I walked through the halls of the hospital. A blanket of sadness fell over me- this was the cancer hall. People all around me were dying. I just wanted all this to not be happening, and to take Logan back to the camp sight and feed him s'mores and swim with him.

In this room, coming up quick, was the man I loved, weak and probably sobbing. I didn't want to see him sad- he was always so strong, my rock. How could I handle him crying?

I tapped on the door before entering.

In the bed, was a tiny looking Joanna, looking weak and hollow, with Alex beside her with a coloring book. I doubted Alex knew what was going on. In the corner of the room was Logan's aunt, obviously having been crying. And in the chair facing away from the door was Logan, who was turning to look at me.

I expected his eyes to be red and puffy, perfect face tear-stricken. I expected him to jump up and run into my arms, dying of grief.

But instead his face was solid, like usual, looking confused.

Even at a time like this, my heart fluttered and I wanted to sing at the sight of his perfect face.

"Hey," he said slowly. "What're you doing here?"

"I called him," Joanna said softly.

"Why?"

Logan stood, confused, and approached me. I could tell he hadn't shed a tear this whole time, which surprised me.

"Why don't you go for a walk?" Joanna suggested softly. "Get me something to eat."

I was just as confused as Logan as we went out in the hallway. He didn't touch me. Not in an "I'm ignoring you" way, but in a way that said that he just wanted to keep away from contact.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah."

"Well, you left all sad… And you look fine."

"I AM fine."

"Well what's up with your mom?"

"Her respiratory system is starting to fail," he said simply. "Soon she'll be on life-support, and she said when she gets to that point I have to order to pull the plug."

I was silent, my heart breaking. If this were me in his shoes, having to pull the plug on my own mother, I would be destroyed. But Logan was completely calm. Was he in denial?

"Of course I don't WANT to, but it's my responsibility. She says she doesn't want me or Alex to see her like that, and the sooner it happens the sooner we can heal," Logan said, dark eyes on mine.

"Why are you so calm?"

"Because I'm afraid that if I let it out, I won't be able to stop."

"You don't have to stop."

"Yes I do, because I might have to raise Alex and I have to be an adult and I have to figure out income and housing and a funeral for my own mother and-"

"That's all months and months from now," I interrupted. "We're talking about NOW."

"There's no time for crying, Carlos."

"There's time for crying, because if you don't you'll explode," I said sternly.

"I guess we have different opinions, then."

"Your mom called me here because she's worried about you. You're making her feel like you don't CARE about what's going on, Logan."

"She knows I care. She needs me to be strong. She needs me to show her that I'll be okay."

"But right now I need you to show me that you're not completely brain dead."

"You should just go back to the campsite and spend time with YOUR mom while YOU can, and I'll do the same. Okay?"

I twisted my lips, in a dilemma. Joanna wanted me to talk to Logan about this- obviously. But maybe Logan needed space, and maybe he had a different way of grieving, and maybe he really did want me to leave. This was a new step in our relationship, and I didn't know what to do.

"Do you really want me to go?" I asked seriously, showing that I wouldn't judge or get mad. I stopped walking to look at him expectantly.

Logan hesitated, sighing.

"No."

I nodded and pulled him out from the middle of the hallway against a panel of glass windows. I decided I wouldn't push it- if he didn't want to talk about it, fine. At least I might be able to cheer him up a little.

I grinned, seeing that the windows were looking in at the neonatal facility, babies in glass boxes in rows inside. Logan looked in absently, eyes on the babies- some impossibly tiny, some with tubes in their mouths.

"Alex was born two months early," Logan said to me. "We thought he would die, but he pulled through. My dad didn't meet him until he was almost a year old."

I didn't know why he was telling me this, maybe just to tell me, so I didn't say anything.

"At that point I wasn't bad- I was a good kid. And I worried about him and I always visited him and even PRAYED for him. If he didn't make it… I can guarantee I wouldn't be here right now. I might be in prison or even DEAD."

Logan's dark eyes stared at a little baby in a box in front of the window, who was sleeping peacefully.

"My life is just full of death and misfortunate events… Carlos, I dunno if I can even risk dating you at this point."

"What?" I snapped.

"I'm afraid that something'll happen to you, because it seems like SOMETHING happens to everyone I love. I'm afraid for Alex and my aunt… I dunno what to do about it."

"Nothing's gonna happen," I assured.

"Better not. I'm gonna need you."

I let out a silent breath of relief- there for a second I thought he would break up with me.

"I don't know if I could ever risk bringing a child into the world," he said softly, eyes on the baby before us. "I know something would happen to it… I don't want that for you."

"You're scaring me."

"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I'm being a downer."

"I wouldn't expect any less."

"Carlos?" Logan's voice was suddenly quiet, almost weak.

"Yeah?"

"I can't breathe."

I looked over, alarmed, afraid that he was having an asthma attack or some kind of heart failure, but found that his hand was over his mouth, brows knitted, tears in his eyes.

"It's okay to cry," I said softly.

Logan squeezed his eyes closed, a tear streaking his cheek.

"I don't wanna lose her," he said, voice choked. "I love her. She's my mommy."

"I know, baby," I said, hand on his back, rubbing soothingly. I didn't know if he wanted space or comforting hugs- I had never seen him cry before.

"She doesn't deserve this," he whined, and suddenly he was clashing into me, arms over his stomach, his cheek on my shoulder. I wrapped my arms around him, rubbing his back.

"She's ready for it," I said as he let out a sob, breaking my heart. Honestly, I felt like crying, too. "This isn't scary for her- she's prepared."

"Me and Alex'll be orphans," he said with heart-shattering panic. His hands clutched at my back now, clinging to me for dear life. "I don't know what to do."

That's my Logie. Not thinking about what's going on NOW, but more the unimportant details of the future.

"I can't handle another funeral," he sobbed.

I held him and stroked the back of his head- so fuzzy- as people walked by with sympathetic looks on their faces. I'm sure they thought that Logan's baby just died or something, since he was sobbing his heart out in front of the neonatal facility.

Hearing the sobs of the man I love, his cries of heartbreak, jerked tears at my eyes. They made me think about Joanna, how I didn't want to see her die either, and about how she would be leaving behind two amazing sons. I thought about how much Logan had been through, and how much he had changed and would continue to change since his father's death.

I let my tears slip silently, sniffling quietly as Logan's sobs subsided. It took about ten minutes, and I'm sure he had a wicked headache now and just wanted to sleep. His neck and back were sweating now, clammy and moist.

"I'm sorry," he snuffled.

"Don't ever be sorry for this. It's my job to hold you while you cry."

"You're too sweet for me."

"It's meant to be," I smiled a little, wiping my tears away over his shoulders. "I came right when you needed me. I love you."

* * *

**Woo. Emotional chapter. Thanks to everyone who's supported this story so far- stuff is happening for this story now- it's getting exciting. **


	13. Feels Right

I hadn't really heard from Logan for the past day, and all that I knew was that he and Alex and his aunt were staying at his house, and that Joanna was still alive. I didn't know anything about her condition other than that.

We were back from camping and Mom went back to Florida after my brothers came over for a few hours to see her. James and I were working that night, outside in the sun collecting carts. I talked to my brother the day before and we made plans for me to get the car that weekend- I already paid him for it.

My phone rang and I scoffed, mad that I was being interrupted with my shenanigans with James. Normally I tried to ignore my phone while I was working, but I knew it must be Logan. I dreaded answering it, knowing he was telling me that it had happened- Joanna passed.

"Hey," I answered, walking slowly to retrieve a stray cart.

"Hi," he said. "I just wanted to let you know that I'm not dead. I'm just trying to figure stuff out with my aunt, and be with Mom and make sure Alex is oblivious."

"It's okay."

"And… I have to talk to you about something," he said slowly.

"That doesn't sound good…" I said, leaning on the shopping cart.

"I'd prefer to talk to you in person, but I dunno when I'll see you next."

"Okay…"

"She wants to be taken off of machines this weekend, which is a death sentence," Logan said, not sounding sad but matter-of-fact.

"Oh…"

"She wants to go to California for her last days and see our family and stuff," Logan said. "And it'll happen there, and she wants to be buried there. I know that this is a lot to ask for, but do you think you could come?"

"To California?" I asked in disbelief.

"I know, I know. But I'll need you."

"Baby, I don't have the money for plane tickets," I said. "I just bought a car."

"Don't worry about money. Worry about ME. This is the one and only time I'm gonna tell you I need you."

I sighed, looking over at James as he gave me a questioning look.

"I'm at work right now," I said. "Can we talk about this later?"

"Are you gonna break up with me?" Logan asked, suddenly innocent.

"What? No."

"Okay. Will you come down to the hospital when you can?"

"I get off at 5."

"Okay. I lo-" Logan cut off, stopping himself.

"You what?"

"Nothing. I just tried to say I love you," Logan giggled. "I'm just used to it- being around my family."

I grinned, feeling my face heat up and my heart flutter. Okay, he didn't REALLY say he loves me, but he almost did. It was close enough.

* * *

I was glad to see that the vibe in the hospital room was happier this time when I entered. Logan was in his usual seat, Alex in his lap, as they watched a video on Logan's phone.

Joanna's eyes rose to me and she smiled a little, making me grin at her.

"Hey, Mrs. Mitchell," I said, catching Logan's attention, but Alex didn't give a shit. I approached the bed and sat carefully on it, handing over a single rose I might have stolen from my neighbor's rosebush. She smiled a weak smile and smelled it.

"Thanks, Carlos. You're so sweet."

I felt a presence beside me and looked up, being surprised with a kiss right on the lips.

"Hi," I said in surprise as Logan pulled away happily. Okay, why was everyone in such a chipper mood here? There was a mother DYING in this bed!

"Let's go talk."

He pulled me away by hand and I turned to wave at Mrs. Mitchell. Alex climbed into the bed with her and she smiled and kissed his hair.

"What's going on?" I asked hesitantly as Logan and I got out to the hallway and started walking.

"What?"

"Everyone's in such a good mood… It's weird."

"I know. I'm not complaining."

"So… What're we talking over?" I asked as he twisted his fingers with mine and we walked.

"My mommy's dying, sweetheart, and right now I'm calm but when it happens and I let it sink in… I think I'll crumble," Logan said, eyes on the passing white walls. "You're the only one I trust to crumble into. I know it's a lot to ask and if you really don't want to, okay. But I'm telling you that I need you there- at the funeral and at the hospital and everything."

"I'll go," I said gently, looking up at him. "But I hate to surround myself with so much sadness, you know?"

"Do you wanna come with me to get a tattoo?" he asked, completely off topic. "Like… Soon? Today?"

"Tattoo?"

"I want Mom to see it," he said. "I'm getting a dove, maybe on my other wrist. For her. And eventually I'll get her dates on there."

I smiled sentimentally and nodded.

"Sure," I said.

"Maybe you can get some ink, too. Maybe a big 'Logie' on your ass?"

"Yeah. RIGHT," I scoffed, rolling my eyes.

"Not today?"

"Not ever."

"Well then how about a classy 'fuck you' beside your junk?"

"Haha," I said sarcastically. "I'm not that dumb."

"Ouch," Logan hissed jokingly. "That was below the belt."

I opened my mouth to say something, and then I realized that he was making a joke about his tattoo literally being below the belt, and I giggled and rolled my eyes.

* * *

"Are you sleepy?" James asked softly as he and Kendall lay on their stomachs on Kendall's bed. Kendall's yellow-green eyes snapped open and looked at his best friend.

"No," he retorted. "I'm just resting my eyes."

"Mmm-hmm," James smirked, a single finger running down the bridge of Kendall's nose slowly. Dammit, Kendall hated when he did such intimate things, because he knew they didn't mean the same thing to James as they did to Kendall. James was just kidding around, being a best friend, but secretly things like this made Kendall's heart flutter.

"You can sleep," James said mischievously. "Just know that Katie and I WILL draw on your face."

Kendall's eyes closed lazily as James' fingers brushed blonde hair from his face and smoothed down his sideburns.

"Stoppit," Kendall croaked.

"You're just so preeeetty."

Kendall groaned and flipped his head to lay his other cheek on the pillow.

"Fine," James pouted, scooting in closer and laying his cheek on Kendall's shoulder blade.

Kendall welcomed it as he flipped to his side James relocating himself to cuddle into his chest. It was no big deal- another day in their friendship.

"Are you worried about something?" James asked.

Kendall's fingertips ran over James' soft hair in thought. He WAS worried about something- Logan told him to talk to James about his sexy dreams, but he hadn't gotten around to it. And by that, I mean he was too afraid of how James would react.

"Do you ever think that we go too far for even best friends?" he asked.

"What do you mean?"

"You and Carlos don't cuddle like this."

"Not cuddling. It's huddling- with an 'H'. For warmth," James corrected smartly. "And I think we go too far all the time, but who cares? You're the most ass I ever get."

Kendall laughed a little and all was silent.

"Why? Do you wanna stop?" James asked, looking up at his best friend. "Did Jo say something about it?"

"No- I haven't talked to Jo," Kendall said.

"Then what's up?"

"I dunno, Jame. I've just been thinking about it a lot lately."

"I try not to think too hard about it- it freaks me out," James said, his finger lightly tracing Kendall's spine. "Scares me to think about how gay we are."

_C'mon, Kendall. Just tell him._

"I have to tell you something really serious," Kendall said.

"Oh… Okay…"

Kendall sat up, rubbing his palms against his jeans and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. James did the same, looking to his best friend with concern. Given the previous conversation, he was prepared- he thought that Kendall was coming out to him.

"I talked to Logan about this while we were camping and he told me to talk to YOU about it," Kendall began. "I had a few dreams about you, Jame, and they scared me."

"What kind?"

"Sexy ones."

"WET ones?" James asked, trying to specify. Kendall shifted uncomfortably.

"A few."

"Well… Were they hot?"

Kendall's head snapped his way in confusion, making James smirk.

"Like, was I a sexy firefighter or a pirate out for the booty?" he asked thoughtfully. "Or was I just me?"

"I don't wanna talk about it!"

"Oh come ON!"

Kendall stared at James, confused, and saw that he had worried for nothing. Of COURSE James didn't see it as a big deal. He was JAMES!

"You were just you," Kendall gave in. "Most of them didn't even have scenarios."

"What about the ones that DID?"

"I'm not gonna tell you," Kendall retorted.

"Please? C'mon, Kenny, I'm your best friend."

"Exactly!"

"Please?"

Kendall sighed and blushed a little.

"I dunno- I guess there was one where I was… In the shower… And…"

"Oh, kinky shower sex?" James purred, biting his lip. "That's hot, Kenny."

Kendall refused to hold his best friend's gaze after that.

"Was I catcher or were you? Who was pitching?"

"I was, okay? No more questions," Kendall whined.

"C'mon, let's talk about your dreams!" James begged. "How big was I? Cause I think you know how big I really am, but, like, did your mind make me have like a superdick or something?"

"James!"

"And was I absolutely loving it, or are you dirty and made me squeal like a pig?"

"I'm not telling you," Kendall groaned as he got up, just hoping he doesn't get too excited from thinking about this.

"It's not a big deal, babycakes," James said soothingly. "Just because you'd like to do nasty things to me against the shower wall doesn't make you gay. It makes you a sane person, because I mean, look at me."

"Yeah. You're right," Kendall said, more to himself.

"But… If you decided that you DID like me, and maybe you do, don't be scared to tell me. I've been your best friend since forever and we can get through anything together," James said sincerely. "And I think if you told me you were in love with me, I wouldn't be too far behind you."

"What?" Kendall snapped. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I dunno," James shrugged. "I just think that if I really really thought about it, I'd realize that I'm in love with you, too. And that's why I don't think about it."

"Well… Thanks for not flipping your shit," Kendall said. "I was afraid you would never wanna see me again."

"No way, man. I wish I could see your dreams- they sound hot."

"Shut up," Kendall groaned.

"It's nothing to be embarrassed about," James insisted. "It doesn't mean you like me or that you're gay or anything. It's just a DREAM. Or however many you had."

"Yeah, yeah."

James got up and looked to his best friend, seriousness in his eyes.

"If I kissed you right now you would shove me away and like wipe your mouth," James said simply. "That's how I know you don't like me."

"Let's not try."

"Why? Are you afraid?"

"NO."

"I think you are."

"I am NOT."

"Then kiss me."

"James."

But James wasn't listening. He caught Kendall's lips in a kiss, holding it for a second before pulling back.

"You didn't push me away," he said in quiet fear.

Kendall hurriedly stepped away and stared at James with wide eyes.

"You didn't push me either," he pointed out.

"Well YEAH I love kissing."

Kendall's brows knitted and he dropped his eyes.

"Okay, that was a stupid test. Come lay with me and take a nap," James suggested. "Maybe you'll have another dream."

"Do you know how embarrassing that would be?" Kendall demanded.

"I think it would be cute. Like a puppy running in its sleep," James smirked.

Kendall lay back in his bed, facing away from James. He was overjoyed that James didn't say "Ew! Freak!" and run away, but now he felt weird.

James looked over at his best friend, twisting his lips. Did he go too far? He just wanted to make sure Kendall knew that he was okay with it.

* * *

I was impressed at how Logan was able to talk like normal as the tattoo artist ripped into his skin with a needle and ink. I guessed he had been through worse- he said that his army tattoo took five hours.

I roamed the empty shop, looking at pictures of other tattoos and patterns.

I thought about what I would get if I ever got "inked". I liked the tribal stuff, but I knew I would have to have a meaning behind whatever I would get.

"Oh, that's SICK," Logan said behind me and I turned. He was sitting in the tattoo chair, looking down at his wrist as the tattoo artist stopped the buzzing gun.

"Lemme see," I said cheerfully and approached him. I didn't mind that he got another tattoo- maybe I thought they were insanely sexy, so what? Besides- it had a good meaning behind it.

"That's gorgeous," I agreed, running my finger over the swollen skin, now permanently marked on. It was a pretty dove flying toward his body, flawless shading making it appear almost real. A light pink banner was in its beak, symbolizing breast cancer.

"It'll have more color to it once it heals," the tattoo guy said.

I smiled up at Logan, who was beaming.

"I like it, too," he said. "I can't wait till she sees it. Not till it's healed a little, though."

The tattoo artist bandaged the new art up and Logan slipped on his leather jacket.

"Next is a pretty little 'Carlos' on my ring finger," he sang as we joined hands to leave.

"I hope you're not thinking I'll do the same," I said smartly.

"Of course not. Why would you get your own name?" Logan asked jokingly. "No, I would expect a 'Logan'."

I smirked and rolled my eyes at him and he took his hand from mine to put his arm over my shoulders.

* * *

Kendall rolled over in the bed sound asleep, and James looked at him silently. For a best friend, he sure was cute- like a puppy.

James' finger reached out to trace the bridge of Kendall's nose, making Kendall scrunch it up. James giggled a little and brushed Kendall's bangs from his face.

He was thinking about the kiss.

Of course he loved kissing- always has, always will. And he hadn't kissed anyone since prom. Maybe the butterflies resulting from the kiss were just because he loved kissing. But maybe it was because he loved Kendall in all ways possible.

He slowly bent forward to press his lips to Kendall's forehead. No matter what happened, he would always take care of Kendall. He was like his baby. If it came down to it, James would never be afraid to be in love with Kendall.

Kendall's eyes opened sleepily and looked up at him.

"Did you just kiss me?" he asked.

"Yeah," James said softly.

"Why?"

"Cause I love you," James said simply. It wasn't unusual- he said it all the time.

"Hm," Kendall mumbled, closing his eyes again.

"Kendall?"

"Hm?"

"Don't worry about anything. It doesn't matter what you feel or what I feel."

"Okay."

"Okay. Go to sleep."

Kendall drifted off again and James kept staring. Kendall was truly beautiful, and he never thought about how he felt romantically about him. But now that the thought was in his mind, now that he knew what Kendall's lips felt like and they weren't six, it didn't seem like anything horrible.

He scooted in closer, his hand moving to Kendall's back, Kendall unconsciously cuddling closer. His hand ran over Kendall's back, to his arm, on down, to his fingers. Kendall's fingers twitched at the touch to his fingertips, and James' hand moved to Kendall's thigh, then back to his ass.

Kendall shifted, taking a deep breath through is sleep and let in out in a hum. James' hand dragged over his ass and to his back again.

Kendall's arms folded up and snuggled between his and James' chest.

James kissed Kendall's hair, holding him tighter. They had slept like this numerous times, but this time it felt different. It felt right.


	14. Fights

**Sorry for the late update- I always seem to update at night. I only apologize because some of you get like text alerts or emails, and I don't know how late it is where you are, but it's midnight here. :D So sorry if that bothers you. And sorry if you get that email and know it's there all through the day but have to wait till later to read. :D I just love teasing you guys. ;)**

* * *

Alex and Logan look almost exactly alike when they sleep. I know because Logan fell asleep on my shoulder on the plane, his baby brother's head in his lap. Joanna and her sister were in the row beside ours, Joanna with an oxygen tube taped below her nose, looking weak as she looked at magazines.

The whole way to Logan's aunt's car in the airport parking lot in California, Logan kept a strong arm around his mother's waist, Alex on her other side pulling along her oxygen tank.

Logan, being a secret doctor, asked his mom questions about how she was feeling in the car. She was in the back seat between me and Alex, and reluctantly said that she was tired, but otherwise okay.

I watched California go by outside, seeing trendy people walking around in sunglasses, some looking really friendly while others looked plain evil.

"I'm glad you could come," Joanna said to me with a little smile. "You'll get to meet the family."

Ice poured into my stomach at the thought. I didn't even consider that I would be meeting Logan's family and maybe some friends, and I was scared. Okay, so Logan knew my whole family besides my brothers, but that's different. In some way that I can't think of right now.

"And Logie'll need you," she murmured, looking at Logan in the front seat, watching out the window. "He acts like a rock, but he isn't. I'm glad he has you- you're so sweet."

"Thanks, Mrs. Mitchell."

"If I have to leave him with anyone, I'm glad it's you. Take good care of him, Carlos," she said softly. "And for God's sake, don't let him go off the deep end again. Do anything you can."

"What?"

"Keep him away from drinking and his old friends," she said sternly.

"Okay," I said softly, showing her that I promised to keep her wishes.

"If I never get to say goodbye, I am now. I know that you and Logie will be in love forever… It's just a matter of him not ruining it."

I searched her eyes, but she didn't explain anything in them.

"You're a sweet boy and I hope he's lucky enough to have you forever," she said with a little smile.

I smiled sadly and she turned to Alex, who was knocking on the window at someone, who knows who.

"Oh, Los," Logan suddenly said, turning excitedly to me. "You'll get to see my REAL baby. My bike."

"Hm?"

"I have another one here. It's so awesome I couldn't take it to Minnesota. I was scared it would get beat up on the plane."

* * *

The mood was dragged down a LOT when Logan's family arrived at his aunt's house. There was a lot of crying and a lot of hugging, and Logan stuck to my side like a puppy, looking stoic. I knew he was trying not to show emotion, but he didn't want me to leave him alone, judging by the way he followed me everywhere.

When people met me, Logan introduced me as his "friend from Minnesota". I didn't mind- I understood why he wouldn't want his family to know about us. I don't think he was really close with his family other than his mom, aunt, and Alex, so it didn't really matter to him if they knew me.

At one point, I think it got too much for Logan and he pulled me to Alex's room, locking the door behind him.

"What's the problem?" I asked as he started pacing.

"I just… I don't want to deal with this anymore," he whined pitifully. "Can we go for a ride?"

"No- you need to stay here."

"Why? These people hate me. I'm the disgrace of the family," Logan snapped.

"I couldn't tell. They seem nice enough."

"Yeah, well, you don't go up to a person whose mother is dying and spit in their face, Los."

I nodded, understanding, and I snagged him as he paced before me. I pulled him to me, arms around his torso, and hugged him. I think he really needed it, because he clung to me.

"It's okay to cry," I reminded him.

"I don't need to cry."

I pulled away and looked up at him to see no sign of weakness.

"Okay," I said softly. "Let's just stay here for a little while then you can show me your bike."

"Okay," he beamed.

I grinned and gave him a peck on the lips, making him hum.

"Can I have another?" he whispered seductively. I giggled and gave him a longer kiss this time before breaking away.

"Ready?" I asked, taking his hand to leave.

"Yeah."

* * *

Logan gently sat on Joanna's bed. I knew he was afraid she wouldn't wake up once she fell asleep, so he was quiet, almost tearful.

I bent and put my lips close to Logan's ear.

"Show her your tattoo," I whispered.

"Oh yeah," he beamed, looking up at me as I straightened. "Ma, I have something to show you."

He carefully removed the bandage from his wrist and I turned on the lamp for her to see better. She took her son's hand in hers and looked with a little smile.

"For you," Logan said softly.

"You didn't have to permanently mark on your skin for me," she said with a little smile.

"Why not? I have one for Alex and Dad."

"I love it," she said. "It's beautiful."

"It'll be prettier once it heals more."

Joanna reached up for him and he melted down to hug her gently. He was afraid for her. He was scared that this was the last time he would be able to see her alive.

I left the room, giving them time to be alone. I found Alex playing video games in the living room and sat on the couch with him. I knew he didn't know that his mom was dying- and that was good. He was too young to fully understand anyway.

Soon Logan came out of the bedroom, obviously having been crying.

"Bubby, will you play with me?" Alex asked, looking up at his brother.

"Maybe later," Logan said softly, ruffling his little brother's hair. "Me and Los are going for a ride."

"I wanna come!" Alex said excitedly.

"No, it's just us," Logan said sternly. "Besides- I don't have a helmet here."

"I don't need a helmet."

"You're just a baby, you know you need a helmet."

"Carlos doesn't need one."

"Carlos isn't my baby brother," Logan argued. "Carlos won't get hurt."

Alex huffed and Logan pulled me up.

"Love you, big guy," Logan said, ruffling his brother's hair as we went to the door.

* * *

"Isn't she beautiful?" Logan marveled as he uncovered the motorcycle in the garage. I knew he had been crying, but he didn't want to talk about it anymore. He wanted me to distract him.

I grinned, my fingers running over the pretty electric blue paint. It really was beautiful- more showy than Logan's black one with saddlebags and pretty rims.

"It seems like a waste to let it just sit here while you're in Minnesota," I said.

"Yeah, but I spent a LOT of money on it. Wanna ride?"

I boarded the bike behind him. This one had a seat-back for another passenger, but I preferred to hang on to Logan. It made me feel safer, although I had gotten more comfortable with riding bikes with him, I was still afraid sometimes. He was never reckless or a show-off, though. He always made sure to drive safe with me.

"How do you have money for this?" I asked.

"My dad," Logan said, the bike roaring to life, making me jump and hold onto his torso. "He had a lot of savings and I inherited it. After he died I just went nuts."

I lay my chin on his shoulder and inhaled his scent as we started down the driveway in the darkness.

I felt his worries and pent up tears blow with the wind as we sped through the streets. I got freaked out and hid my face in his shoulder blade when we hit traffic and he casually wove through the cars- I was sure he would crash into one.

We rode for a while until he pointed out all the stars on the sidewalk with the celebrities' names on them. Then we rode to see the Hollywood sign, and we parked in a vacant parking lot and sat in the grass nearby, looking at it the huge letters.

"Do you like it here?" Logan asked, his arm looped around my neck.

"I love it. It's so warm."

"Maybe we can go to the beach soon. And the boardwalk, as promised."

I beamed up at him and he grinned and kissed me. I hated to be enjoying this like a vacation while we were practically here to wait on Logan's mom to die, but I had never been to California before, and I loved it!

"Do you love it enough to… Move here?" he asked.

"Maybe not THAT."

"Not even for me?"

I looked over at him, brows furrowed. Where was this coming from?

"It's just… I wanna be here with Alex. I wanted to get an apartment and maybe get custody of him. And how perfect would it be to have you here with me?"

"But my family's in Minnesota. James and Kendall and Papi are there," I said, troubled. "I love you, Logie, but family's first. That's how I was raised."

"But you were gonna have to move out soon anyway."

"But not across the country!"

I could see that Logan was getting upset and frustrated, but I wasn't letting up. I would LOVE to live on my own with Logan here in California, but my family was in Minnesota and I would miss them. Even Brooke.

"Your mom lives in Florida, what's the difference?" Logan asked irritably.

"Are you being serious, Logan?" I demanded. "Are you getting mad at me for this?"

"You didn't even think about it!"

"I don't have to."

"Carlos, if you loved me-"

"Don't go there," I said angrily, getting up and making his arm fall from my shoulders. "This isn't about how much I love you. It's about how young I am and how I need to be around my family, Logan."

"Yeah, well I do, too."

"Well then…"

"Then what? Solve this problem, Carlos."

I growled and whirled around, needing to cool off. I had never fought with Logan before.

Logan sighed behind me and I heard him plop back into the grass.

"Let's just take one problem at a time," I finally said, turning to him. "We don't need to deal with this right now."

"But I'm worried about it."

"You should be worried about your mom," I said.

"I am. Can you just sit and talk to me like a normal person about this? Please?"

I didn't want to talk about it. My mind was made up- I wasn't moving here to California right now. I was practically still a kid and I needed everyone at home. Maybe once I was older and Logan and I were maybe engaged or something, I would think about it.

I sat beside his outstretched legs, facing him, hugging my knees.

"I see a legit future with you, Los. Don't you?" he asked.

"I do."

"And… I don't see how we could be together from across the country," Logan said softly. "We could, but it would be hard."

"Then stay in Minnesota. We could get an apartment, and maybe Alex could move there before school starts," I suggested. His eyes dropped, and I could tell he hadn't thought of that. "I don't wanna lose you either, and maybe if you decide to stay here, I could move once we're older."

"What does it matter how old we are?"

"I know it doesn't apply to you, but I'm still a kid. I need Papi and my friends," I said, my fingers running over his knee softly.

"I can take care of you here."

"I know you can. But… I can't do this," I said softly. "Maybe… Once we're engaged. Or maybe sooner."

"Fine. Then I'm asking you now- will you marry me? I'll make a ring of grass."

I giggled and watched as he started plucking grass from the ground.

"Logie," I laughed.

He twisted the blades together and tied them, taking my hand and slipping it onto my ring finger.

"See? Now we're engaged," he said charmingly, kissing my knuckles. I giggled when his dark eyes rose to me hopefully.

"You're sweet," I said finally.

"Is that a no?" he muttered.

"It's a 'not yet'."

"Not a no," he smiled, leaning in to kiss me.

"Not a yes."

"FAGGOTS!" The yell made me jump and jerk away from Logan, while Logan pulled back slowly, bowing his head.

I looked up to see a bunch of boys- maybe four or five- walking to us. They were in Logan attire, despite the hot weather. Leather jackets and torn jeans.

"There's no faggots aloud here, this is OUR territory," one of the guys growled.

"Um… We were just-" I began, but Logan punched my knee to get me to shut up.

He got up and pulled me up and away.

"Hey! It's LOOOOOGAN," another guy hooted, and suddenly they were running at him, shoving him backward. "Where'd you go, jackass? You disappeared."

Logan had a death grip on me as he pulled me behind him, making it clear I should sit back and shut up.

"I moved," Logan said strongly, his chin up, looking the guy in the eyes.

"Why? Did you get scared?"

"Oh, please. I owned you bitches," Logan spat, making me pinch his back. I didn't know these guys, but I could gather that he SHOULDN'T mouth off to them, although he obviously knew them.

I glanced over at Logan's bike, in case I had to escape for some reason. I don't know WHAT I was thinking, I couldn't drive that thing. Maybe I could run, but it was a long way to safety at that gas station.

"Where're you bikes, dickweeds?" Logan asked.

"On the hill," the guy said, peering at me over Logan's shoulder.

"Don't look at him," Logan snapped to the guy.

"I look at who I want to look at."

"Not him."

I had never heard such danger in Logan's voice, and it scared me. He was protecting me, so I wasn't afraid that he would hurt me, but I was afraid that he would KILL someone.

"We heard about what you did to Matthew," the guy spat. Logan tensed up, his hand tightening around my wrist.

"That's none of your damn business," Logan growled, venom seeping through his teeth with every word.

"Glad you did- not glad you didn't kill the little fag."

"You shut your dickhole before I do the same to you."

"Didn't know you were a faggot, too, Logan," the guy said, stepping closer. I watched Logan's eyes rise to meet the guy's, his head not moving to compensate for the height difference. Again, Logan had a bit of a Napoleon Complex and liked to act bigger than he was.

"I think it's about time you take your little dicklicker and beat it," the guy spat in Logan's face.

Not bothering with a warning, Logan let go of my wrists and his fist slammed into the guy's face.

With cat-like reflexes, the guy returned the punch before Logan's hand was even away from his face. Logan's head whipped to the side and a creepy chuckle escaped his mouth before he spat in the grass.

My heart was leaping now. Ideally, I could get Logan away with nobody chasing us. I knew that wouldn't happen. By the looks of it, I wouldn't even be able to get him away.

I felt like I might puke with all the adrenaline pumping through me now. I couldn't run. These guys would kill Logan, then run me down and kill ME.

"You wanna play?" the guy spat. "You're not king of this jungle anymore."

"I created you."

The guy chuckled creepily and pulled out a pocket knife from his leather jacket. Okay, this is going too far.

"What are you thinking?" I was suddenly bursting from behind Logan. "That's not fair! You can't use a KNIFE."

The guys laughed like idiots and Logan roughly shoved me behind him again.

"Shut the fuck up! What's your problem anyway?" I demanded, pushing Logan out of the way to look up at the guy. Maybe I was forgetting that I was tiny, defenseless Carlos, but I felt so ALIVE doing this. "This is CALIFORNIA! Just about everyone's gay, get used to it!"

The guy got closer to me, and now I was looking up into his eyes, feeling like a badass, but also bracing myself for a hit. BUT I knew if this guy hit me, Logan would take him down in a heartbeat.

"Do something!" I growled in the guy's face. "Or are you afraid that Logan'll kill your ass? Cause he will."

Logan jerked me backward by my belt loop and clapped a hand over my mouth.

"Contain your bitch," the guy spat to him, and his idiots giggled. I pried at Logan's hand, yelling at them about how disrespectful they were and how my dad was a cop (although it didn't matter here) and how I would kill them.

Logan started dragging me away, letting go of my mouth and letting my words ring free. I started for the gang of guys, all MUCH bigger than me, and Logan caught my wrist and towed me away, ignoring my threats.

"Better not see you on our territory again, Logan!" the main guy yelled.

"HE GOES WHERE HE WANTS!" I yelled to him, working hard against Logan, but he now had an arm looped around my torso and was pulling. "YOU CAN'T TELL HIM WHAT TO DO!"

The guys turned and walked away, acting like they had won some huge war or something.

"Carlos, you're lucky they didn't take you seriously," Logan hissed, swinging me around and accidentally making me fall to the asphalt. I sprang back up looking at him in angry concern.

"That guy had a knife! What if I didn't step in? He'd start shanking you, then all his buddies would chase me down and shank ME!"

"I had it under control," Logan retorted. "And what if they DID hurt you? Then I'd probably lose it and kill one of them, then what? I'd go to prison."

"What do you WANT, Logie? I'm running wild like you wanted!" I pleaded.

"Not like this."

"So it's okay for you to do it, but not me? We're practically the same size!"

"Get on the bike, Carlos, I'm not hearing anymore," Logan snapped like a mother.

"This is stupid!"

"No, what's stupid is that you thought you could defend me," Logan said, black eyes stern on mine. "You don't know them. I've seen what they can do to innocent people like you."

"But he HIT you! In your pretty little face!" I said in defense, reaching up to touch the red spot on the left side of his head.

"Get on the bike."

"Logie, don't be mad!" I pleaded.

"I AM mad. What if he hit you? I couldn't handle seeing that," he said, voice getting softer.

"I'm a grown man, Logan. Not a baby."

"You're MY baby. I have to look out for you. I promised your dad I would protect you while you were here."

I pouted and dropped my eyes. Not proving my point, I know, but I was coming down from my high.

"I've never seen you like that," he said softly. "It scared me to see YOU so angry..."

I looked up at him and watched him get on the bike and turn it on. I reluctantly boarded behind him.

I didn't know what was going on that night- we had been in two fights within fifteen minutes, when we have never fought before that. I knew he was stressed because of his mom, and maybe otherwise he wouldn't be so harsh on me.

But I knew he needed to be harsh on me for what I did. It was incredibly stupid for me to mouth off to that guy and challenge him like that. But it felt so GOOD. I felt so badass!

I apologized without words as I hugged his back and lay my cheek on his shoulder as we rode out of the parking lot.

"Can we get ice cream?" I asked innocently in his ear so he could hear over the bike. His jaw muscle twitched and I was sure he was going to deny me, because he didn't even acknowledge the question. Feeling like a shunned puppy, I sighed and lay my cheek back on his shoulder.

I noticed we were slowing and turning a while later, and looked up to see that we were stopping at a little ice cream stand. Logan parked the bike and got up.

"We have to get something to go for Alex before we leave," he said as I got off of the bike. "Even though it's his bed time."

I offered him an irresistible grin and he smirked and rolled his eyes.

"I love you," I sang.

"I love YOU," he said, smiling a little before looking up at the menu. DESPITE my raging butterflies, I kept my composure. "Which is why I was so mad at you."

"But not anymore?"

"I'm still kinda mad… But you got me to forget about what's going on at home, which is what I wanted."

We ordered and sat on the curb eating. He was adorable when he ate ice cream. Such a macho man, with tattoos and a pierced lip, was so neat and gentle with his ice cream.

We kept meeting eyes and he was drop his bashfully. I think he was embarrassed about saying that he loved me- maybe he didn't mean to. The important thing was that he didn't correct himself.

"Is yours good?" I asked, getting his eyes.

"Wanna taste?"

I smiled and nodded, leaning in to kiss him. He was surprised- he should have known that was my plan.

"You're clever," he said as I kissed him again.

"Your lip ring is freezing."

"Warm it up."

* * *

**Next chapter's a big one! I was gonna start it in this one, but I decided against it. Sorry, no Kames in this one! It IS a Cargan, after all. ;) **


	15. Fallen Angel

**So you're going to get some Logan POV in here. I wasn't gonna have any others but Carlos', but I couldn't capture the intensity I needed without Logan's POV in here. :D Hope you like it! I'll try to make it clear who's POV you're in at all times.**

* * *

As we started to ride back to Logan's aunt's, I kept replaying the little scene at the ice cream stand in my head. He said he loves me and he didn't correct himself!

I knew he had only said that to Matthew before me, and I expected him to take longer to say it to me because of that. I was glad he didn't, though.

I closed my eyes, chin on his shoulder, enjoying the warm breeze on my face. I was sleepy- it had been a long and emotional day. I could only imagine how tired Logan was.

Logan was stalling, although there was a hot fudge sundae for Alex melting in my lap in a little Styrofoam box. He didn't want to go home and find that Joanna had died in her sleep- he was EXPECTING that.

Then I started thinking about our argument before- how he wanted me to move here to California with him. That was way too much to ask. I'm barely 18 and we hadn't been together that long. It was stupid for Logan to pretty much demand I move here- like he wouldn't settle for less. He was NEVER like that.

We went onto a little road near Logan's aunt's house, the bike speeding up. I opened my eyes to see that we were going really fast now, and I squeezed Logan's stomach to tell him to slow down.

"It's okay!" he called over the wind and motor. I held on tighter to him, getting scared. I trusted him, I swear.

"SLOW DOWN!" I growled in his ear as we neared a turn. Logan giggled and slowed the bike down to a safe speed to turn. I let out a sigh of relief.

The last thing I remember was the screeching of wheels on the road and the bike being launched, Logan and I thrown off of the seat. Oh, wait. It think the last think I remember was my body cracking on the pavement and my arm and leg getting torn to pieces as I skidded.

* * *

"Shit," I mumbled to myself, my eyes opening slowly. I think I momentarily blacked out there for a second. Hell, maybe it was a few hours, I wouldn't know. Blinding headlights were in my eyes and I heard car doors open and slam shut.

I heard the velvety motor of my bike fade out as I focused on the stars above me. What the hell happened? I felt like I was numb all over, like I couldn't think and my vision was tunneled.

"Are you okay?" a pretty teen girl- maybe seventeen- asked, kneeling beside me. I had a little trouble focusing on her.

I sat up and she helped me. Across the way, my blue bike was crumpled on its side, fuel leaking on the road. Damn. That would take a while to fix.

Blinding rage hit me like a wrecking ball. That bike was my pride and joy! Now look at it! I turned to say something nasty to the girl, but she was getting up and going somewhere.

"Hey," I growled, stumbling to my feet. I wasn't mad that I could be hurt, I was mad that my bike was destroyed now.

"You need to stay down," the girl said to me sternly.

"You-" I began, but a woman caught my eye. She was kneeling before a person lying on the road…

It took me a second to realize that my baby had been holding onto my back when the accident happened. He had trusted me to keep him safe and I failed him.

And there he was, lying on his back on the black pavement, face tipped to the side with blood dripping from his mouth and nose.

My breath caught.

He was unconscious. And hurt.

"I'm calling 911," the woman said, standing up and quickly walking to her car. I feel to my knees beside Carlos, staring at him. He looked so… CRUMPLED. My angel was broken because of ME.

I hated the way tears pooled in my eyes as I took his hand carefully. The one with the grass ring on it. I hoped that he would live to let me put a REAL ring on his pretty little finger.

"Is he your brother?" the girl asked softly from Carlos' other side. I blinked away my tears, only succeeding in making one streak my face, and shook my head. That's all I could do- I didn't trust my voice.

The girl got up to aid her mom, and I brought Carlos' hand up to my lips, pressing a long kiss to his knuckles. In reality, I just wanted to pull him into my lap and rock him, but I knew I shouldn't move him in case he had broken bones.

"You'll be okay, baby," I whispered to his bloody face. "Everything's gonna be alright. I love you."

I stayed with him, holding his hand, watching with meticulous eyes as we waited on the police and ambulance. I wasn't mad about the bike anymore- I could care less about the bike at this point. I felt stupid for not realizing that Carlos was in the accident, too.

I slipped the grass ring from his finger and put it carefully on my own. I didn't want the doctors to rip it off and toss it away like it was nothing. It was SOMETHING to me.

Finally the ambulance came. The police needed me to talk to them about the accident and everything, but I was too worried about the EMT's being careful with my boyfriend. Most of them were, but some of them would just toss him in the back of the truck if it was up to them.

In the end, the woman who was driving the SUV that hit us concluded that it was both of our faults. We both knew it was my fault, though. She had the right of way, and as a motorcycle driver I should have looked both ways before turning. I made sure to thank her after that- my insurance would shoot up if she told them that it was all my fault.

In the ambulance, the EMT's seemed to only care about ME while my boyfriend looked like death on the stretcher in front of me. They felt my head and neck for cracks and checked my pupils and said that I didn't have any trauma. I kept telling them to work on Carlos, but they said that they couldn't do much while in the truck other than put a neck brace on him.

As we rode to the hospital, I looked at my Carlos. He really did look dead. He breathed just like he was sleeping, which was good, but I knew he was knocked out cold by the accident. He didn't make a twitch or a mumble the whole way.

I felt like I might puke everywhere.

I hated to let these idiots take care of him while I could do the same thing with loving hands. I knew I had to stand back and allow it, though. I had to stop being protective and ornery.

The EMT's didn't act like Carlos was in substantial danger, but through the eyes of an overprotective boyfriend who blames himself for the accident, Carlos was obviously dying and these idiots better save him.

I had JUST told him I love him. I can't lose him now.

I was never very religious, and I didn't know how this whole "praying" thing worked. But I figure that if someone goes their whole lives without asking God of anything serious, and that person suddenly asks Him for something life-or-death, maybe He would let it happen.

I took Carlos' hand in both of mine and pressed his knuckles to my forehead.

_Please, God. At least let Carlos live through this. You know that he doesn't deserve this._

I thought it sort of odd that I didn't pray for my mom. Maybe because I knew she was doomed anyway but that point.

"You should have been wearing helmets," one EMT said sternly to me. I knew that.

Not two hours ago I was telling Alex about how Carlos didn't NEED a helmet- he would be fine without. Now look. If Carlos had a helmet, he would be awake right now. What if he died? Then Logan would have to deal with the loss of the love of his life AND his mother. He would go off the deep end- no question.

* * *

"Logan seemed really worried," James said, pacing the kitchen with the phone pressed to his ear. Papi was at the table with Brooke. He knew he should be mad- Logan assured him he would take care of Carlos while he was gone. But how could he be mad while his son may be dying across the country?

"I know, I know. But it's not like we can up and fly across the country, you know?" James said to Mrs. Garcia over the phone. "I would love to go see him, but… You know. It's not that easy."

James looked over to see Papi, head in his hands. He was worried sick about his youngest son, like Mrs. Garcia, but Papi knew all about motorcycle accidents. He saw them multiple times a year, being a cop, and knew that a lot of them proved to be fatal.

"I'll be sure to let you know as soon as Logan tells me anything, Sylvia," James said to the hysterical woman on the other line. He heard the front door open and turned to see a troubled looking Kendall approaching. "We're worried, too. I think he'll be okay- Logan's really serious about Carlos, he could be overreacting. I'm sure he'll be okay."

James hung up the phone and sighed, leaning his back on the counter.

"Someone has to go," Brooke said as Kendall sat at the table with her and Papi.

"That's across the country, Mom," James reasoned.

"We can't just leave him there alone," Brooke argued with her son.

"Look. Let's just wait. He'll wake up soon, and Logan'll tell us how he is. If there's something seriously wrong, someone should go. But if he's just banged up, there's no reason."

"But they will still need his insurance information," Papi reasoned. "I need to go."

"You can fax that stuff," Kendall reasoned. Although James and Kendall wanted Carlos to be taken care of as much as the next people, James knew that Carlos wouldn't like Papi to show up and yell at Logan and make Carlos come home.

Papi followed Brooke away, leaving James and Kendall alone in solemn silence.

"What if he dies?" Kendall asked absently.

"He won't DIE. He's Los. He- he can't die," James said, brows furrowed. He had never thought about what would happen if someone close to him died. ESPECIALLY not Carlos.

Kendall got to his feet, approaching his best friend.

"I mean, if I was in an accident with Los, I would probably overreact, too," James said.

"What if Logan wasn't overreacting?"

James looked up solemnly and accepted Kendall's hug.

"It'll be okay," Kendall assured softly, clutching to his best friend. "We're in this together. You and me and Papi and Logan."

"Thanks, bud."

"How was Logan on the phone?" Kendall asked, backing out of the hug.

"He wasn't crying, but he seemed so upset. He told me he hated it- that he walked away pretty much unhurt and Carlos is like this."

"I get it."

"Honestly, to me it sounds like Los was just knocked out," James reasoned. "He'll come to soon. Wanna stay up with me till he does?"

"Yeah."

* * *

I sat beside Carlos' bed, holding his hands in both of mine. He didn't look as broken since they took off his neck brace.

His shirt had been cut off and his left side and arm were bandaged up from where the skin was scraped off. An oxygen tube was taped below his nose, a heart monitor on his finger, and an IV giving him pain meds through his arm.

The nurse had come in a while ago to take off his neck brace and told me that he had entered a sleeping phase and should be waking up soon. Before, he was knocked out, his brain inactive. Now he could be dreaming.

It relieved me beyond belief when I first noticed his eyes flicking below his lids. He was dreaming. I wanted more than anything to wake him up, to see those eyes I love so much open, but how could I do that? He needs his rest anyway.

Now that I look back, I can't believe that I thought that Carlos would die. I felt so stupid.

* * *

_Logan and I were in a meadow, long, green grass surrounding us and a cool breeze blowing his dark hair. I had a flower- a daisy, to be specific, and I was absently plucking the petals. We were sitting pretzel-style, facing one another._

_"I know you'll be okay," he said softly to me, dark eyes loving. "You're Carlos. Of course you'll be okay. I prayed for you, and I'm no expert, but I haven't asked for anything in my whole life from God. I was thinking he would give me this."_

_I grinned happily, heart melting at the thought of Logan praying for me._

_"I don't know if you can hear me," he continued. "But I need you to wake up soon. I know you're just sleeping, but I NEED to see you awake."_

_I gave him a confused look and opened my mouth to ask what he meant, but found that I couldn't speak. _

_"Because if you don't wake up, I'll be alone. If you left me, Los, I'd be here dying of grief over losing you AND my mom. I can't handle both at the same time. You're my emotional outlet. I need you. And when you wake up, I'll take you to the boardwalk, just like you wanted."_

_I was beyond confused, but since this was a dream, it didn't really matter._

_"I know it's all my fault. I should have looked both ways before I turned. For God's sake, Los, it was dark- I should have seen the headlights. I hurt you, and I told you I would never do that. I'm sorry, sweetheart."_

_I twisted my lips and shook his head at him. I didn't know what he was talking about, but I knew that I didn't want him to feel bad about whatever he was feeling bad about._

_"Los?" Logan asked, face turning confused. I cocked my head, feeling puzzled, as his face started to fade. "Los! Come on! Open your eyes."_

_I tried with all my might to hang onto the dream, to not drift away. I loved the dream too much to leave this poor Logie behind._

_"Almost there!" Logan grinned._

* * *

"Almost there!"

I opened my eyes, bright light blinding me and making me squeeze them closed with a groan. Immediately I felt warm kisses on my soar face and I moaned again before the kisses disappeared.

My eyes opened and focused on a chair across the room. The wall behind it was baby blue, and there was dim light pouring in from the open window. Was it sunset or sunrise?

I slowly looked over to see a happy looking Logan, staring at me with a dimply grin.

"You're alive," he said, like for some reason he thought I wouldn't wake up alive.

He held a straw to my lips and told me to drink, and I took in refreshingly cold water, making me realize how dry my mouth was. I looked up at him as he set the glass aside again. I thought maybe we were in a hotel at first- maybe we came here to get dirty? But then I saw the heavy-looking door behind my boyfriend, and its glass window with wire diamonds in it.

I gave my Logan a confused look and he bent to kiss my forehead for a long time.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked, catching how puzzled I was. He looked at me in fear, and I giggled a little. I stopped that immediately, though- it hurt to laugh. He smiled a little, but still looked worried.

"You're my Logie," I croaked, making him let out a sigh of relief.

"Do you know what happened?" he asked, taking my hand in both of his. I looked down to see that there was a white plastic bracelet around my wrist- a hospital bracelet? There was an IV in my arm, too…

I looked up at him in a panic, shaking my head. Yeah, that hurts. Don't do that anymore.

"They just took you outta your neck brace," he said softly, lightly touching the back of my neck. "You looked so broken with it on."

"What happened?" I demanded, but it came out weak and meager.

Logan cleared his throat and looked down at our hands.

"We were riding home on my bike," he began. "I was being stupid and wasn't paying attention. We were hit by a car. You were thrown off like a rag doll- the whole left side of your body's all cut up. I- I thought you were gone."

It was then that I realized that Logan was talking to me while I slept, and I heard everything he said.

"Is the bike okay?" I croaked. He looked up and grinned.

"I dunno how the bike is. Don't worry about the bike."

"You love it, though."

"But I love you more than a piece of metal," Logan said sincerely. "I'm more worried about YOU."

I smiled a little and squeezed his hand as much as I could. I didn't feel anything- I must be on some good pain medicine.

"Time is it?" I slurred.

"Probably five AM."

"Have you slept?"

"Do I look like I've slept?" he asked frankly. I realized that he really probably hasn't slept a wink- his hair was still made up, dark circles showcased his tired eyes, and his talking was a bit slurred.

We locked eyes, and it was the first time he let me see how he was really feeling. He was cracked. About to burst and deteriorate.

"It's okay," I murmured, squeezing his hand again. "I'M okay."

"I'm not," Logan said, voice cracking. His head bowed, and I knew he was hiding tears from me.

"Oh, baby," I melted.

"I thought you were gonna die," Logan whimpered, looking pitifully up at me. My brows upturned and he sat on the edge of my bed, making me wince in pain, but not show it. He curled himself up, forehead on my good shoulder, and I reached up with the arm that WASN'T attached to an IV and stroked the back of his hair.

"It's okay," I assured. "I'm alive. Everything's alright."

"How would I deal with losing you and Mom at the same time?" he sniffled in a panic.

"You don't have to."

"I was so scared," he was sobbing now, and it broke my heart.

"I know," I murmured in his ear. His tears were making my bare skin slick now, but I didn't care. This poor soul thought he was losing me. I knew I would be devastated if I was in his position.

"What would I do if I killed you?" he asked.

"You wouldn't have killed me. It was an accident."

"What would I do, Los, if you d-died?"

"You don't have to think about it anymore," I whispered soothingly. "I'm here. I'm not leaving you."

"It was so scary," he sobbed. His sobs and whimpers made me want to just hug him and never let him go- if it didn't hurt so bad. Hearing the man you love cry so hard is difficult- especially when you know that he never cries otherwise.

He cried for about five minutes before he moved to put his aching forehead on my neck, cheek on my wet shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he sniffled.

"I thought I told you to never be sorry for crying."

I guessed that Joanna was still alive, or Logan would have said something.

"I love you," I whispered, tracing his sideburn with my finger.

"I love you, too," he said softly. It felt good to hear it.

I demanded Logan sleep a little as I watched "Family Feud" on the TV in my room. He stayed in his chair, my hand still in both of his, as he lay his head on my bed and almost immediately fell asleep.

* * *

James and Kendall were up late that night waiting on news about Carlos. It was about 3 AM.

They were on the couch, Kendall sitting against the arm with James' head in his lap as they watched TV. Kendall's hand was slowly stroking James' hair as James drifted off.

Kendall was thinking about what had happened the other day with James. The kiss.

They hadn't kissed since, but things hadn't changed. Kendall had been timid and awkward after that, but James hadn't changed at all. He still taunted Kendall with kisses on the cheek and flirty ways, but Kendall thought that he felt a hint of seriousness behind it all.

He hadn't had any more dreams about James since then. He was glad for that, although he had to admit that he loved the dreams.

James' phone beeped in his pocket and Kendall retrieved it, getting an unconscious groan of teasing sexual pleasure from the sleeping boy. A text from Logan? This is what they were waiting for!

_Hey, I already called Papi. It's Los. I'm alive. Don't worry about me. Luv u. :)_

Kendall smiled and shook James awake. The big guy grumbled and sat up.

"What?" he mumbled, the glare of the TV lighting his face.

"Los texted. He's okay," Kendall said brightly. James beamed and looked at the text that he had been waiting for. His brother was okay.

"C'mon, Jay. Let's go to bed," Kendall said, getting up and pulling James up. James clicked the TV off and hurried to catch up with Kendall through the darkness, gripping his hand for fear something unseen would snatch him.

They arrived to his and Carlos' bedroom, not bothering with turning on the lights.

"I'll sleep in Los' bed," Kendall said sleepily. James pulled him away from the ladder to the top bunk and toward him.

"Why?"

"Because?"

"Just sleep with me," James said quietly, backing Kendall against the bed.

"James," Kendall warned.

"What?"

"Don't. Please?"

"Why not?" James asked. They both knew what they were talking about. Don't kiss me.

"Because that's not what friends do."

"Why not? We did it when we were kids."

"Like 3 years old. That's different."

"So if I kissed you right now," James said, like trying to prove a point. "You wouldn't absolutely love it?"

"I would. That's the problem."

"Stop it, Kendall. Just let me do what I want."

Kendall was silent, and James saw that he was serious. He didn't want to be kissed. He dropped his eyes and nodded a little, backing away.

"I guess you can do what you want, too," he sighed.

"Well… Maybe a goodnight kiss… Because we're both tired and loopy… Wouldn't be so bad," Kendall said, not wanting to upset James.

"How long?"

"Maybe a few seconds."

James happily took Kendall's face in his hands and pressed a kiss to his lips. Kendall's hands gripped James' wrists for control, but melted as James reinitiated the kiss one time, then another.

"Night," James said softly, face still close to Kendall's. Kendall was breathless and weak.

"Night."

James placed another peck on Kendall's lips before happily swooping down in his bed. Kendall, trying to unfreeze himself, felt James tug at his hand, making him lay in the bed beside him.

"Can we make out?" James asked as he pulled the blankets over them.

"No. I know where making out leads to with you," Kendall laughed a little as James snuggled into his side.

"That's the point."

Kendall laughed a little and shook his head, James dropping the question.

* * *

Carlos stroked his sleeping boyfriend's hair gingerly. He was so sweet.

A strange woman and her teen daughter came in at about 8 while Logan was sleeping.

"Um… Hi?" Carlos said, confused, not knowing who they were or why they were there. "Can I help you?"

"You're okay," the teen girl said happily.

"Yeah?"

"Sorry," the woman laughed, standing on the other side of his bed, her daughter following. "We're the ones who hit your motorcycle."

"Oh," Carlos said understandingly.

"We just wanted to come by and make sure you were okay," the teen girl said.

"Do you know what happened?" the woman asked.

"To an extent."

Logan stirred and flipped his head to face Carlos, and Carlos stroked his hair again to soothe him.

"I guess neither of us were really paying attention," the woman said to Carlos. "But I accidentally hit the rear of your motorcycle."

"It was scary- the way you guys were thrown off. You hit your head on the road and skidded," the girl said, eyes wide.

"How are you?" the woman asked.

"I'm okay. The doctor said I was lucky my head wasn't cracked open and that I should have been wearing a helmet. I know that. I'm getting x-rays soon, but I don't think anything's broken. Obviously I'm really scraped up."

"At least you're alive," the woman said. "I have filed that it was both of our faults, because it was. Tell him that when he wakes up, will you?"

"I will. Thanks."

Carlos looked down at Logan's cherubic sleeping face- the side that was up was bruising from the guy punching him the previous night. The women left without Carlos noticing.

He wondered how Joanna was. Wouldn't someone have called Logan if she died? He didn't have any calls or texts when Carlos used his phone to call Papi and James. His own phone was shattered in the accident.

The nurse entered with a smile on her face.

"How are we feeling?" she asked cheerfully.

"Pretty good- I think my pain meds are wearing down, though," he said.

"We'll get that taken care of. How about we wheel you to get your x-rays and get your boyfriend into the bed. I can't imagine how tired he must be."

"That sounds good. Thanks."

* * *

**I'm sorry if this was a confusing chapter. Writing just flows freer when I'm writing in 1st person, and I had the whole thing written out with Logan's part in 3rd, but decided I didn't like it. But I loved writing this chapter in general, and I hope you loved reading it!**

**Oh, and Happy Easter! If you don't celebrate it, Happy Sunday!**


	16. Crumbling

**Really sorry it took so long! I had something different, then I changed it, and I haven't been very motivated to write lately. BUT here it is, and I hope you like it. Sorry it's so sad. :)**

* * *

"CARLOS?" I heard Logan's voice echoing through the hall as I was being wheeled back to my room after my x-rays. Good news- no broken bones. Just a little fracture in my back, which would be soar but okay to be untreated.

My brows furrowed. It was strange for him to yell at all, much less in a public place. I didn't know where he was- he was in some random hallway, and the nurse took me to my room.

"CARLOS?" Logan kept calling, and finally he stood in the doorway.

I never wanted to see that look in his eyes again. He looked almost insane, his face tear-stricken, hair messy from being asleep. His eyes screamed HELP ME.

"What the hell, Logan?" I scolded. "There are people sleeping."

Tears sprang to his eyes and he stared at me, staying in the doorway. I had gotten a little too used to seeing him cry, and I hated it because it broke my heart.

I got to my feet, slowly walking to him.

"My aunt called," he choked. My heart crumbled and I stepped forward to hug him, but he backed away like a scared animal. Why was he so furiously looking for me to the point of calling my name if he didn't want me to hug him? His mother just died, for God's sake. What was WRONG with him?

The silver ring hugging his bottom lip quivered. His tearful eyes dropped to the floor and squeezed closed, and I didn't miss the two tears of pure agony and heartbreak that streamed down his cheeks.

This time he let me wrap my arms around him. There was a lump in my own throat, but right now I had to be strong for him. I knew there was a reason Joanna didn't get very close to me. Not because she didn't like me, but because she didn't want her death to cause me heartbreak when I needed to aid to her sons.

Logan started to shake in my arms, gasping for breath that wouldn't come. My poor baby was hurting so bad, and I couldn't help him.

"I didn't g-get to say g-goodbye," Logan said hysterically into my shoulder. "I should have b-been by her side when it h-happened."

"She wouldn't have wanted you to see," I murmured, watching a nurse walk by and give me a concerned look as she passed.

Logan's knees gave out and I struggled to make his landing on the floor as graceful and gentle as possible. He curled up between my legs, shaking hard, taking breaths in staccato gasps. He was panicking. I knew what it was like to cry like this. I cried like this when my parents got divorced. Of course, I was just a kid then. And nobody died.

I had never seen this man so weak. He was always so tough and put-together, but now he was crumbling in my arms, sobbing, shaking.

I let his tears drop and stain his shirt, finding no use in trying to wipe them away. I did, however, wipe his nose to keep it from going into his mouth. I delivered gentle kisses to his forehead and pressed my cheek to his hair, blinking away tears of my own but letting a few slide.

Soon he got to the point that he was exhausted. I knew this was one of many times I would be holding him while he sobbed during the coming days.

He was well prepared for this, and I knew it. He had known since the day she was admitted to the hospital that she was going to die, and had been getting ready for it. He was prepared for having to take care of Alex and of having to deal with where he was going to live and of having to be alone- an orphan with his brother. Except he knew he wasn't alone. I was here. Always.

"I h-hope she didn't know about th-the accident," Logan said. "I wouldn't want her to b-be worried."

"I doubt she knew."

"I wish I got to say goodbye again."

"You said goodbye to her before we went out on the bike," I said softly, brushing dark hair from his sweaty face. "I know you were afraid, and you talked to her for a long time."

Logan sniffled and looked up at me with pitiful doe eyes. I had never seen such innocence in my rough-n-tumble boyfriend.

"Alex found her," he said with heartbreaking evenness. "He went in to wake her up like he always does. And she was just… Gone."

I shook my head, tears springing to my eyes. Alex was just a little kid. He shouldn't have had to go through that. That was a traumatic experience that he would never forget.

"I wish I could have found her. I'm the man of the house- I could have taken it."

"She wouldn't want that for anyone," I said, voice shaking. "Especially not you."

Logan's brows furrowed and he turned his face into my chest. I stroked his hair and rubbed his back, and I had a feeling that he was falling asleep against his will.

* * *

Logan didn't say much as we left the hospital. He was drained physically and emotionally, and his face was stone-cold. He let me clasp his hand in mine in the taxi, and he clung to me like a magnet, silently begging me not to leave him.

We rolled up in the taxi from the hospital to find Alex on the front steps. As soon as we were out of the car, Alex was sprinting to Logan, his bare feet padding on the concrete.

His little adorable face was screwed up, his lip puffed out in a pout. Logan got to his knees to catch his baby brother in a hug.

Suddenly they were both sobbing, bringing tears to my eyes.

Both Alex and Logan liked to act like hard-asses, but this moment right here showed just how much they felt, and how much they needed one another.

I decided to leave them alone and go inside. I found their aunt in her room, the door wide open, just staring at the wall.

"Excuse me?" I murmured, tapping on the door frame. Her eyes flicked to me, no emotion crossing her face. I didn't really know their aunt all that well, so I felt awkward. "Is there anything I can do?"

"No, honey," she said, shaking her head. "It's okay."

She returned to staring at the wall. Okay… I guess she was in shock. I went to the kitchen, not knowing what to do. I thought about making food for everyone, since I knew at least Logan and I were hungry, but decided that they wouldn't have an appetite. I didn't, either. Besides, I wouldn't want to be insensitive to the situation.

I ended up standing at the sink, watching Logan and Alex outside. Logan was getting up, carrying Alex, whose face was buried in his shoulder. He was traumatized. Any kid would be if they found their mother dead in her bed.

They sat on the porch swing right in front of the window. I could hear them through the glass.

"She's not sick in heaven," Logan said softly, trying to be the strong big brother that Alex saw him as. "She's up there with Dad now. She's happy."

"I want her here," Alex said. The brothers looked at each other with matching eyes. Alex's were innocent and tearful, waiting for guidance. Logan's were strong and assuring, but I knew that the wall built over them wasn't as strong as he made it seem.

"Me, too. But I wouldn't want her here if she was sad and sick," Logan said soothingly. "It's better this way."

Alex laid his head in Logan's lap, little body curled up. Logan brushed at a tear before rubbing the little boy's arm.

"What did she say to you before she went to sleep?" he asked Alex.

"Nothing. I showed her some of my new cars and she said she likeded them," Alex said, taking about his beloved Hot Wheels. "Then before I leaved she said she loves me a lot and she kissed me. Oh, and she said to take care of you."

The two brothers sat out of the swing for a long time, silent, Logan rocking the swing and stroking Alex's hair. I could hear him sniffle now and again, but other than that I didn't think he was crying.

* * *

Every person has a time in their life when they are in immense emotional pain.

I know, here we go again, another long, boring Carlos speech. But you better listen up, because it happens every day.

Everyone has to lose someone, everyone has to lose someTHING, everyone has to be vulnerable at some point. Whether or not they show their pain is another story. Some people, like a lot of people at this funeral, including Logan's aunt, couldn't stop sobbing. Some were quiet and stayed in the corner, like Logan.

Some people have one or two of these times and heal. Others, like Logan, seem to have lives full of tragedy after tragedy- the waves beating at his boat yet somehow he presses on.

Logan, I found, had a strange way of grieving. He didn't want anyone to see him cry- God forbid- over his mother. Nobody but me. He didn't say anything, didn't really look around. He just stood there beside me, hands in his tuxedo pockets, staring at the ugly carpet of the funeral home. Sometimes someone would come and say they were sorry for his loss, and he would glance up at them carelessly. Then I would say something like "He's in his own little world lately" and the person would nod understandably and walk away.

And it wouldn't be a lie. Logan was in his own world.

I didn't know what he wanted me to do. Did he want me to hug him to me and stroke his hair? Did he want me to fuck off and leave him alone?

He absolutely refused to go up to the casket until the end, when he realized he would never see her again once the casket lid was closed.

As he looked at her accusingly, like the body was fake and this was all a sick joke, I looked at the pictures set up. There were a lot of her childhood, and some of her during two different ages holding two little raven-headed babies wrapped in blue blankets.

I saw Logan in different stages of life- he was an adorable kid- and he seemed so happy with his parents. Then Alex came into the pictures as a baby and he seemed to glow- his dimples evident in his complexion. His dad- who I had never seen before- was in a lot of pictures. Of course he looked just like Logan and Alex. Some pictures suggested he was harsh and strict, but others said that he was understanding and loose. A few pictures I looked at and couldn't tell if it was three-year-old Logan or Alex, and I had to look at the dates.

"I need to smoke," Logan said stiffly as he passed behind me. I watched him go and realized that he hadn't smoked much since his mom started going downhill.

I myself couldn't bring myself to look at Joanna. Dead bodies freaked me out- mainly their stillness. This woman would have someday been my mother-in-law. She would have babysat our children and been there for birthday parties. She would be there to call when one of our kids is sick and we don't know what to do. But I guess not anymore.

I sat down and Alex sat beside me- he didn't really know many people at the funeral.

"Where's Bubby?" he asked in his little tuxedo.

"He's outside. He needed some air," I explained.

"Oh. How come he isn't sad? I'm sad."

"He IS sad, Alex," I said. "He just doesn't like to show it. You know how he is."

"Oh."

* * *

We stood in the grass around the deep hole before the gravestone. Logan refused to help carry the casket, so his cousins and uncles had to do it without him.

I rubbed his back soothingly with one hand as we watched the casket be set above the hole. Alex stood before him, Logan's hands on his shoulders.

Logan was completely silent- he hadn't said a word since he left to smoke. There was an intensity in his movements and eyes that suggested he felt like bolting like a scared rabbit. He was alert now, and dammit, if I left him, he wouldn't know what to do. I was his rock right now, which was strange.

"You're freaking me out," I said softly- something I had wanted to say this whole time. Logan's eyes turned to me quizzically.

"Why?"

"Shouldn't you be upset?"

"I am."

I twisted my lips and he shrugged, dropping his eyes to smooth down Alex's hair.

"I'm fine, sweetheart," he said to me softly. I sighed and continued rubbing circles in his back. It was about all I could do- he didn't really want his family to know about us.

* * *

"Yeah, Papi, I'm fine," I said, pacing the guest room as I talked to my father over the phone. "No, you can't talk to him.

"Why not?" Papi challenged.

"Why? Because you'll yell at him! Papi, his mother just died- he doesn't need your lectures right now."

"I need you home."

"I can't come home," I sighed. "I have to stay and take care of Logan."

"He doesn't need you to take care of him."

"If he didn't, why would he ask me to come?" I argued. "This isn't your decision. I'm staying."

Suddenly the other line went muffled and then cleared up.

"Carlitos?" came James' voice cheerfully.

"Hey!"

"I miss you so much, man," James whimpered playfully. "Come home really soon, kay?"

"I'll try. I miss you guys, too- what's going on over there?"

"Nothing much- working and hanging with Kendall," James answered, and I knew he shrugged. James had been trying to tell me something about Kendall for a long time, and every time he either chickened out or was interrupted. I hated that he was afraid to tell me something, but maybe it was a secret that I shouldn't know. "We've been driving your car a lot- I hope it's okay."

"That's-" I began, but then the door opened. Logan entered in just a white towel around his waist, his hair dripping and limp, water running in streams down his body. "Um… I uh…"

"Carlos?" James laughed. "You okay?"

"I have to go," I said quickly as Logan neared me. I didn't even wait for a response before I hung up on James. I looked up to Logan, but he was pressing his body to mine, his arms around my torso and water staining my clothes.

"You're the best," he said, his wet head against mine.

"Are you drunk?" I laughed.

"Nope. I need to be, though."

"Let's get you dressed," I said, pushing him away gently. I went to his drawers and pulled out some boxers and gym shorts with a big t-shirt- what he liked to sleep in. I turned to find that he had pulled the towel from around his waist and was now drying his hair. I totally allowed my eyes to linger- I'm not going to lie.

"Are you looking?" he asked, tossing the towel aside and pushing his tasseled hair back with his fingers.

"I'm looking."

He took the clothes from me and got dressed as I put on the radio to a low whisper, the way he liked.

"Hey, babe?" Logan asked softly, lying on the bed.

"Hm?"

"Will you go in the kitchen and get me the bottle of whiskey?" he asked pitifully, looking up at me like he knew he was cute and could get anything he asked for.

"No."

"I need it."

"You don't need it, baby," I sighed, lying on my side beside him. "There are ways to be less sad besides alcohol- I promise."

Logan's request scared me. Joanna had told me not to let him get back into alcohol and go back to his old friends, but I didn't take it seriously. Maybe I should keep an eye on it, though.

Logan looked at me, not touching me in any way.

"I'm an orphan," he said softly.

"I know."

"What am I gonna do?"

"I dunno," I sighed, reaching up to push wet dark locks from his forehead. "I guess the first step is going back to Minnesota and packing up."

"Then what?"

"Then you either find an apartment there or here," I said softly, afraid of his decision. If he stayed here in California, I wouldn't be able to see him. Could we keep up a long-distance relationship? But if he went to Minnesota with me, Alex would move there most likely and be away from the school they worked so hard to keep him in.

"Don't make me choose."

"I'm not. You've got time."

"Only until August, when I have to enlist Alex in school. That's not that far away."

"Maybe you can leave him to your aunt…"

"I don't want to. Neither does he. We need to be together- no matter what I decide," Logan reminded me pitifully. "I just… I'm not used to having to be an adult. Tell me what to do, Los."

"Well…" I began, pressing my palm with his. "You can stay here and have Alex in this apparently top-notch school. Or you can both move to Minnesota, where the school isn't bad at all."

"So… High education for my baby brother plus exposure to family, or being with the love of my life…" Logan said slowly. "How am I expected to choose?"

"I'd like to tell you to stay here… But I don't want that. It's selfish, I know," I sighed, lacing my fingers with his, our palms together. I started to think about how Logan probably went to this top-notch school, and look at him now. He read textbooks for fun.

"You couldn't be selfish if you tried," Logan said sweetly.

"You need to sleep," I said softly. "I know you didn't get any sleep the past few nights."

"I don't need sleep."

"Yes you do. You're exhausted," I said.

Logan rolled over and pulled me against his back- something that he had never done before- and hummed along to the radio for a long time before he trailed off and fell asleep.

* * *

I don't remember what I was dreaming about, but I remember jumping awake and popping my eyes open. Immediately tears rushed to my eyes, and I didn't know why.

"Logie?" Carlos' soft voice murmured through the darkness, and I felt his weight shift. I climbed over him and got to my feet, pacing, hyperventilating.

What was that damn dream?

Carlos got to his feet and pulled on my arm to make me stop pacing. The moonlight outside lit his face, showing how concerned he looked.

"Are you okay?" he asked. My sweet, sweet Carlos. He broke my heart sometimes.

I felt a tear streak my cheek, and I knew it was all over. Everything was coming out. I was exploding from not shedding a tear at Mom's funeral. Okay, ONE tear. When I went to smoke. That's it. It comes from my dad- he was, of course, an army man. I would fall and he would tell me not to cry- I was okay. My hamster would die and Dad said that if I cried, I was weak. Mom always yelled at him for that- she didn't want me to think that crying was bad- but it was too late. It was drilled into my head. Luckily Dad didn't have such a huge part in bringing up Alex, and he was a NORMAL kid.

A person could go crazy hearing what went through my head during Mom and Dad's funerals. _Don't cry, Logan. Crying is a sign of weakness. You're not weak._

My dad's and Carlos' voices whirled around in there at these times. _Get back up, Champ, it's just a little blood! _Dad would say, which would be argued with Carlos' sweet voice. _It's okay to cry, Logie. Everyone does it._

I don't have some deep grudge with my late father, I swear. It's just that when things are told to you from the time you were a kid, it sticks. I can't help it.

Carlos pulled me to him, and I couldn't help but clutch his warmth to me. I felt like he was giving me his strength, and I was drawing it in through touch.

I felt like a complete idiot, as I always did when I cried. The thing was, I knew Carlos wasn't judging me. He was just hugging me, shushing me like a baby, loving me because that's what he does.

"It'll get better," he whispered close to my ear. I felt myself start to shake, and I hated that. WOULD it get better? Or was it all downhill from here?

Carlos took me to the bed and laid my head in his lap- he knew exactly what I needed. He stroked my hair with the gentlest of hands and said nothing- just waited as I cried like a damn baby.

This had been every night since Mom died. I would be completely silent all day, then at night I would wake up or not even sleep, and just sob. And every night, like the sweetheart he is, Carlos stayed up with me. He says that I'm exhausted, which I was, but he got just as little sleep as I did.

He rarely ever said anything- his actions said it all. He would hold me or pet me soothingly and kiss my forehead.

I was just thinking about Mom. I had prepared myself for her death- it shouldn't be this painful.

But that was the woman who birthed me. Who raised me even with my dad overseas. Who put up with me even when I was just drunken scum that came home angry. Who took me to Minnesota to take care of her, not knowing that I would meet the man I was sure to marry one day. Who forgave every bad thing I ever did- believe me, that's saying a lot- and loved me unconditionally, like a mother should. My Mommy.

I couldn't imagine the pain I would be going through if Carlos wasn't here. When my mom was first admitted to the hospital and I wasn't with Carlos for a few days, I went home and just cried. I couldn't stop.

Finally my cries subsided, and Carlos wiped my nose and cheeks with a Kleenex, like a mother. He pulled sweaty hair from my forehead and placed a ginger kiss in its place.

"I love you," he murmured sweetly.

I was silent and I looked up at him. The thing about my Carlos is that he expects nothing in return. Right now, he wasn't even mad that I didn't say I loved him, too. He just stroked my sweaty cheek and smiled a little. Maybe he expected that one day, when Papi had a heart attack or when James was in a bad car accident, I would hold him this way while he cried and I would take care of him.

And I would. I would always take care of him. No person had ever affected me like he does.

"Do you want anything?" he asked. "I know you're starved."

I WAS hungry. But every time I thought about eating, I just felt like puking. I had eaten a little- what Carlos basically shoved down my throat- but I knew that soon I would start losing weight if I didn't start taking care of myself.

He didn't wait for a response. He gently lifted my head from his lap and put it onto the bed.

"I'll be back with some water," he said, kissing my nose sweetly. "And whatever I can find to eat."

That all sounded appetizing, and I wanted to stay up to eat, but I was exhausted. Every breath felt hollow and stung my lungs. Every blink was almost painful. Every move was soar. I was cried out, and I fell asleep involuntarily.

Maybe Carlos woke me up to force me to eat, but I don't remember.


	17. The Deep End

The next few days Logan wasn't himself. I didn't expect him to be- he was grieving, of course- but he was being kind of nasty, which I wasn't okay with.

Alex seemed to miss his old "Bubby". He actually seemed to cling to me a little, which was weird. He was comfortable enough around me before, but I didn't foresee him holding my hand instead of Logan's like he had.

On the plane, Alex had tried to sleep on Logan, but Logan pushed him off and forced him to lean against the window.

"Logan, what the hell?" I hissed, watching the little boy pout as he stared out the window. "I get that you're grieving, but he is, too. You can't be a dick to him."

Logan's face turned to me, burning anger in his dark eyes, which scared me. Immediately they changed and softened, realizing what he had done. He gave me a look to kill.

"I'm sorry, babe," he said quickly. "I didn't mean to."

I shook my head and turned forward, staring at the seat in front of me.

"I know I'm being cranky… I just need a smoke," Logan pleaded.

"Whatever."

"I love you," he offered and he kissed my cheek. When I didn't look at him or say it back, he sighed and pulled Alex into his lap to stroke his hair.

* * *

James and Kendall and I were at Logan's house in Minnesota now. Kendall and I were putting boxes together while Logan and James were packing things. Alex was God knows where doing God knows what in the house.

"Yeah, it hurts when something touches it," I shrugged to Kendall, talking about the crack in my back from the accident. "But not when I move."

"I got a fracture in my arm once when I was a kid and it hurt like holy hell," he said. I shrugged and he did, too. It was silent for a while, the sound of James trying to talk to Logan but Logan basically ignoring him coming from the kitchen. "So how's Alex? Is he okay with all this?"

"He doesn't really understand it," I sighed. "He found their mom dead, you know, and that day was hard on him. But that's about it. Of course Logan's off in his own little world and Alex doesn't get why, so I have to take care of them both lately."

"Well he's young… I guess he wouldn't under-" Kendall began, but we both jumped at the sound of glass shattering from the kitchen.

"What the hell?!" I heard Logan yell angrily. "Be careful, asshole!"

"Logan!" I reprimanded loudly, rolling my eyes.

"Fuck this! Fuck all of this!" Logan yelled shrilly. I heard his heavy boots coming fast and I got up. "I hate everything! I have to LEAVE!"

I caught Logan's forearm before he got to the door and he whirled around, eyes fiery on mine, muscles tense and ready to rip me to pieces as he shoved me away.

"Logan," I said angrily, quite frankly DONE with his shit. The shove wasn't a big deal. Maybe it would have been if I was a girl and I had fallen or something, but I was a man, I was shoved all the time. It was a warning between men, saying "don't fuck with me" and I knew that. Besides- he didn't hurt me. It would be different if he hurt me.

Logan's dark eyes darted from mine up to James who I knew was standing behind me ready to rip his throat out.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled before stealing out the door.

* * *

Papi absolutely loved Alex when we brought him home for dinner. Logan still hadn't returned home, and his motorcycle was gone from the garage.

Alex, however, was Brooke's worst nightmare. He washed his hands when he came in, but just to be deceitful like his beloved brother he would touch EVERYTHING in sight. If Kendall hadn't gone home instead of here, she would be having a panic attack from TWO dirty strangers in the house.

Papi wan't happy with Logan, needless to say.

He almost killed me in a bike accident, he argued and yelled at him over the phone, and now he took off without his cell phone out of a temper tantrum.

Alex was having a better time than he had in a long time. He got to hang out with the "big boys" and sit in my bed and play video games. I left a note on Logan's table that said that Alex was with me, but I didn't know if Logan would panic when he came home to an empty house.

James liked Alex because Alex was so adorable and he loved to wrestle. Of course James would go easy on him since he was so tiny.

Alex had fallen asleep in my bed later that night when I heard the muffled rumble of a motorcycle passing by. James picked Alex up and we went to his house.

"Are you gonna stay here?" James asked as we climbed the porch.

"I don't think so. Thanks for carrying him- he's kinda heavy," I answered as I opened the door.

We entered as Logan was closing the garage door, holding a clear bottle by the neck, mostly empty.

Alex grumbled and woke up, and James quickly took him off to his room so that he wouldn't see Logan the way he was. As if Alex hadn't seen it before. I didn't want to see him this way.

"What're you doing here?" Logan demanded, dropping his motorcycle key on the linoleum kitchen floor accidentally but not noticing.

"We're just bringing Alex back."

"You took him? That's kidnap!"

"What was I supposed to do?" I argued calmly, watching Logan take a swig of the mysterious brown liquid before carelessly setting it on the table. "His caretaker ran off in a fit to get drunk."

"What, now I'm a bad person?"

"No, I never said that."

"I can see it," Logan growled, dark eyes fiery. "You're judging me! Like you're BETTER than me!"

"Okay," I sighed, rolling my eyes. "We're gonna go. Can you be trusted to not bother your baby brother in his room or should we take him?"

"No. Nobody's taking him from me," Logan argued, stepping closer, but I stood my ground. As he neared, I could smell the alcohol on his breath. "Why are you looking at me like that? Like you HATE me."

"I DO hate you right now!"

"Why?" he demanded.

"Because you left me out of a temper tantrum to take care of your brother! THEN you come home DRUNK past midnight and you're picking a fight with me."

"I don't need you to lecture me! Ma used to lecture me and now look. She's dead!"

"I'm lecturing you because I love you and I'm trying to protect you!"

"I don't need your help!" Logan snapped. "I'm an adult! I can take care of everything!"

"Apparently not," I said softly. "You're not responsible enough to stay away from alcohol to take care of your brother."

"Fuck you!"

"Don't say that to me ever again," I said coldly, my eyes set angrily on his. Those weren't the slightly guarded, sweet black eyes of my baby. These were burning coals that looked at me like everyone else, not a hint of gentleness in them.

"You think you're so much better than me because-" Logan began, but I cut him off.

"I'm going home now. We'll talk about this when you're sober."

With that, I started to walk toward Alex's room to gather James and maybe Alex, but my wrist was caught in a hold that was a little too firm, that made to crush my bone.

"When's the next time I'm gonna be sober?" he asked, jerking me back to him.

"Logan." I tried to sound like I was warning him, but even to myself I sounded like I was afraid.

He had beaten his last boyfriend almost to death when he was drunk. He said he regrets it and promised to never hurt me… But this wasn't him right now. And he had already hurt me just with that death grip. I had never been afraid of him before that moment, when I saw in his eyes that there was no shred of my Logie left in him until morning.

I found a bit of comfort in knowing that my big step brother would be here in a flash if I yelled.

I struggled against Logan's hand- the one with the sweet Alexander and dove tattoos, and managed to slip free. I stepped back, accusation in my eyes.

"You're an asshole," I said coldly.

"This is ME, sweetheart!" he growled. "Get used to it!"

"I'm leaving," I said coldly, turning again.

My veins exploded with adrenaline as my shoulders were whirled around and my back was cracked against the kitchen wall. I screamed in pain as my fractured spinal disk from the accident slammed against the wall. Then I realized that Logan's arm was across my throat, pressing enough to scare me, his dark eyes close to my now tearful ones.

His promise was broken.

He had hurt me.

"You think it'll PHASE me if you stop loving me?" he laughed evilly in my face.

With that, he pulled me back only to slam me to the wall again, making my back explode with pain again. I let out a cry, and realized that I couldn't breathe through the pressure on my throat.

"You think you can control me?" he asked angrily, and another slam made my knees collapse out of pain. My hands shot up to pry at his arm that was choking me and a pinning me to the wall, and to my surprise it disappeared.

I fell to the floor coughing and gasping, hearing shuffling and yelling and slamming just feet away.

The biggest boom got my attention and I looked up to find that Logan had been slammed to the linoleum floor, James' knee in his chest and hand around his throat. His hazel eyes were absolutely murderous on Logan's dark ones, and Logan clawed at James' hand.

"Don't you EVER touch him again!" James spat, his fingers tightening around Logan's throat. Logan's eyes didn't soften or get scared, they just stared at James with pure hatred.

James' fingernails started turning white with pressure and Logan's fighting started to weaken.

"James," I said, struggling to my knees to try to stop him. My fractured disk screamed in pain and I yelped and fell to the linoleum. I was in tears from both pain and fear.

James was by my side, asking if I was okay. Logan was still on the floor, sputtering and coughing.

* * *

On my way to Logan's house the next morning, I made a decision.

If he was going to drink regularly and make bad decisions like he used to after his father died, then I wouldn't put up with it. I would send Alex back to his aunt in California and try to help Logan. If he didn't get better, I would have no choice but to leave him.

But that was worst case-scenario.

He was different now. He would be sober when I got there- asleep and hung over- and I would talk to him very sternly and tell him what he did and he wouldn't want to drink anymore. Hopefully my point of view on the matter and the fact that he almost killed me would be enough.

James wanted to come with me and beat some sense into Logan. He wasn't happy with my boyfriend, and I wasn't either. I of course left James at home for Logan's safety, no matter how much I wanted James to knock him in place.

I entered the house and found Alex at the table pouring cereal into a bowl. The TV was playing Spongebob quietly and all the lights were off. I entered the kitchen, where I saw another side of my sweet Logie last night.

"Where's Logie?" I asked, pouring the milk for Alex.

"In the bathroom," Alex said, twisting his lips and digging his spoon into his breakfast. "He throwed up."

"Did you sleep okay?" I asked, hoping Logan didn't wake him up. We should have taken him home with us, but we left Logan passed out on the kitchen floor and figured nothing would happen. I almost came back multiple times for him, but every time thought better of it.

"Good," Alex said, shoving cereal into his mouth. "I like that boy at your house."

"James?"

"Yeah."

"That's my brother," I smiled a little. "He likes you, too."

Alex beamed and I smirked and ruffled his hair before going to get a glass of water and ibuprofen.

I opened the door to the bathroom and turned on the light, making Logan groan and curl up from his place before the toilet.

"Good morning, Logan," I said stiffly, nudging him with my foot as I wetted a rag with cold water. "Have a good night?"

"No," he groaned. I knelt beside him and pulled his hands from his face to offer him the water and medicine. He chugged the water, the pills going down in the midst, as I wiped his forehead with the cool rag, his head in my lap.

"You're an asshole you know," I mumbled as I wiped his sweaty skin and pulled dark hair back from his forehead.

"What did I do?"

"You did a lot. What do you remember?"

"Just being mad at James for something before I left," he said, squinting against the bathroom lights. "How bad was it?"

He looked up at me with the innocent, pitiful eyes of a man that was truly sorry for whatever he had done.

"Not too bad," I lied, stroking his hair. "You were really pissed off."

"Carlos… Did I do anything to you?" he asked. I wanted to say that he did nothing to me, that all was well and that he should go back to sleep. But I couldn't just lie. My back was bruised up around my fracture and hurt like hell. "What did I do?"

"Nothing. You just… Argued with me. Then you tried to strangle me," I said softly, shaking my head gently. "James took care of it."

Logan's eyes squeezed shut and he turned away. I didn't want to tell him what he did- it was just more stress on him. It was too late now.

"Logan… If this becomes a regular thing…" I began.

"I know."

"I didn't like you last night," I said, staring at the tiles beneath him. "You scared me. I was afraid of you."

He looked up at me, pure agony in his eyes, and he shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Carlos," he said softly. "If you ever forgive me, I won't do it again."

* * *

Kendall stared at his best friend with horror in his eyes as James ranted on about what happened the previous night. They were sitting side-by-side in a tree in the park on that cloudy summer day.

"I hated to do it- I love Logan," James finished. "But he wasn't himself. And he was really hurting Los. What else was I supposed to do?"

"That's nuts," Kendall answered in a daze. "I can't even imagine."

"And if he ever does it again I'm not letting him close to Los before I beat some sense into him," James said hotly. "That's not okay. You don't ever hit your boyfriend. Or girlfriend, for that matter."

"Maybe you should talk to him about it."

"I know he feels bad about it now. It's when he's wasted that's the problem."

Kendall nodded thoughtfully.

"Hopefully Los is talking to him about it," James shrugged. "Maybe it'll be different this time, since he's got Alex to take care of. Los says when his dad died he went off the deep end like this."

"It'll work out. Los has him wrapped around his finger- he'll take care of it. You don't have to be his body guard," Kendall said softly.

"Los won't do anything about it if Logan hits him. He won't fight back, I know it."

"Then that's his issue."

"I have to protect him. I'd do the same for you."

"You wouldn't have to protect me from yourself," Kendall shrugged, looking past the tree branches to the park.

"You're right," James said certainly, kissing Kendall's cheek. Kendall blushed and turned to his friend, finding that James looked at him with simple dreaminess. "Do you think that's weird? When I kiss you?"

Kendall smiled a little and shook his head, making James beam. This time they met for a sweet kiss on the lips, which sent their hearts leaping.

"Maybe being with your best friend is where it's at," Kendall said thoughtfully after they broke the kiss.

"Why?"

"Because we already know each other. We've seen each other naked. We know each other's secrets and preferences. And when you're as close as we are, we even know what each other likes sexually. Like I know that you like music playing while you're fucking, and you know that I like the lights turned off. Stuff like that."

"Good point," James nodded.

"And I thought it would be awkward, but it isn't."

"Well we were handsy before," James shrugged.

"Before what, though?"

"Before we got together."

"Together?"

James looked over at his best friend, for the first time uncertainty in his hazel eyes.

"Nevermind," he said. "I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?"

"I just thought we were a thing is all," James said painfully. "I guess we weren't on the same page."

Kendall was silent, not knowing what to say, and he kicked his feet in the air through the branches.

"But wouldn't it be cool?" James mused, getting Kendall's eyes again. "Like, holding hands and kissing and snuggling and going on dates together?"

"We already do all that," Kendall laughed a little. "Does that mean we're together?"

A mischievous smirk overtook James' face.

"Do you want it to?" he asked.

"I think I do."

"Then who am I to say no?"

Kendall smiled bashfully and bowed his head.

"You're cute," James giggled. "So shy. I don't know WHY- this isn't any different than how it HAS been."

"You're right," Kendall nodded, remembering all the times James kissed his cheek or held his hand or snuggled him in the past, even if that was in a joking manner.

"Except now we can fuck," James whispered mischievously, earning a scared look from Kendall. "In time. When we're ready."

"I know you're ready… I'm not. I've had sex before, but not with a guy," Kendall said apologetically.

"I'm not ready either," James confessed. "It doesn't matter when. I don't care."

Kendall melted and smiled up at his boyfriend of only a minute or two, and was kissed on the nose.

"Nothing even matters," James said softly. "Who even cares?"

"Not me."


End file.
